The Last Christmas

Today, I can successfully say that we have accomplished what we needed to for school with my fourth grader.  We had a successful day! YEAH!

I came home from her violin lesson….and the clouds rolled in.  I have to say that even though I am an extrovert….I find myself becoming more and more an introvert.  As the clouds rolled in, I could feel the sadness roll in with it.  I guess if I’m being honest, certain Christmas songs remind me of other times…times when my baby boy was only a month old.  I was tired, scared….and my husband wasn’t coming home.  I was hungry, running out of milk and money.  I would rock him and as I did I would cry over his little body.  The tears falling down and we would sob together.  I was too proud to ask my parents for help, to proud to tell my sister what was going on.  I was scared….I had done everything right…and still…my life was in pieces….and I was left completely undone.

So, I don’t really like Christmas music….and some of the songs I do like…I hear too much.  Today though….my thoughts went back to a nursery with Boyd bears decorated….that my baby boy never really got to grow up in.  Today….his biggest worry is geometry.  My biggest worry for him….is everything. Next year, he goes off to college….and I’m not really upset that that is happening.  I’m more concerned about completely letting go.  I find myself trying to come up with things frantically….like, did I teach him how to wash his clothes enough, sorta iron….and wash dishes.  He can run a vacuum, I have given up on teaching how the dirty clothes go into the laundry basket….and I have given up on teaching how to properly make a bed…and I’m sorry to say….not sure he knows what a sham is and the difference between a decorative pillow.  I also  am not confident that he’s aware that bathroom towels should be hung after use….but you cannot put a Mom down for trying! I also can say….that I remain the ONLY one in this household that can change a toilet paper roll….seriously….and I even made them where you can just literally “hang” the toilet paper on it.  I also can’t tell you that he knows how to wear a winter coat or jeans in cold weather.  It is very possible that on any given cold day you can find him wearing shorts….I have tried to have a reasonable conversation….but I’m pretty sure when I speak he only hears dolphin sounds.

If there is anything I have learned raising children….it is….I know nothing.  God and I have lots of talks….and I am convinced that He’s as frustrated as I am….but He has WAY more children than I do.

It’s the most difficult thing in the world to let your kid get in their car and drive away…..especially since his father died in a car accident….it terrifies me….it used to almost suffocate me.  I would be in a panic until he was safe and sound where he was supposed to go that evening….but that is not how God wants me to live.  I finally was able to get used to him driving….then he had a silly accident ;( Then we were walking around a college campus….and I see all these distractions…and I just want to pack him up….get back in the car….and drive to a farm…where he needs to stay with us forever…join the Amish community….I don’t know….anything but this.  How can we be here already? I just got used to the routine. He used to be at home with me everyday….getting rid of yucky bugs or helping me open jars….now my Ellie and I have to figure it out alone…and she misses wrestling with him….and I have to say….I miss their fighting.. I miss his messes…I miss the endless dishes and bowls that I would find…the shortage of spoons because they were in his room.  I miss the smell of “boy” as we would walk by his room.  I miss the hugs as he towers over me…I miss his chubby hands when he was little telling me that “everything will be ok.” I miss him helping me grocery shop….I miss him cuddling with our dog….and those things will never ever be the same again.  He hasn’t left home yet…but every mother knows that their Senior year….they are never home…and its just the beginning.

I miss things that I haven’t even thought of yet….the endless bottles of half drank gatorade….the endless amounts of stinky shoes.

I can’t stand in the way….all I can do is continue to cheer from the sideline…celebrate his victories…help him to conquer his failures.  Encourage him through mistakes…and push him ever towards God.

What I want to do is sit and cry….and eat chocolate….but…there is so much good to come. I can’t lay down and fear what may come.  He is not mine….I keep saying that to myself….I keep muttering it like some crazy person….but he really isn’t.  God gave him free will….and he must decide what person he wants to be.

As for me….I’m gonna have a lot of projects next year….and probably stay on my knees…a lot.