The Reluctant Red Nose

I’m laying in bed on day three of sickness. We missed our trip to see our adult children and as I lay here with a fever listening to the wind blow….hoping power stays on and my igloo does not blow away and end up in my neighbors yard.

I feel my anxiety is sky high….once again….things beyond my control.

I remember when a storm would blow in Dad would call me telling me a storm was coming. He would say “batton down the hatches!” As a kid I never worried….he would stand on the porch or by the window and watch the storm blow in….he would worry, just as I am now.

I think that’s the hardest part of losing my Dad….no matter how old I got….call me when you get home. Even when dementia came and he would go to the driveway to wave at me….he still said it….

When he would find out we were sick (even as adults) he would call us to see what was wrong….

Now the wind blows and I have a fever…and I am thinking about him and missing him.

Thankful for my husband who has had to take care of both my daughter and myself, trying hard to not get sick again himself….this year has been brutal for all of us.

Then, just for fun….we need a new AC unit and furnace….because….adulting….

I wish I was better at storms and when the wind blows….I wish I could trust….I wish I could be like the guy sleeping on the plane so hard with horrible turbulents that he almost landed in the aisle….blissfully unconcerned…..while I sat there with hands that went numb because I forget to breathe….each…..and…..every…..time.

Who are you when the wind blows…..do you rest in the comfort that you will get through it like the guy sleeping on the plane….or are you like me?

There hasn’t been one thing I haven’t gone through that God didn’t hold my hand through the fire….I didn’t always want to take His hand….I very much wanted to run….

I wanted to say….let someone else have this trial….I am not smart enough….I am not brave enough….You have asked too much of me already….why do you ask more…..

Then He does the most beautiful things with all the pieces….the torn up bits….the igloo in the neighbors yard….the broken HVAC….the torn off roof….the cheating husband…the uncaring Pastor and the so called “Christ followers” the back biting friends…the jealous people who spread lies….and He fixes it…:and never in the way we ever imagined.

The heartbreak is real…the pain is deep….and somedays I feel I cannot breathe with the enormity of it all….

I have walked through enormous tragedies….i have seen the modern versions of the Red Sea being parted….and walking through….I have seen absolute miracles…..

Still….as I walk through new trials, more hurdles, anxiety still attacks me….and my prayers are always like….”You’ve got this right God?” Just checking!!!! And I am sure that He must become so frustrated with me….because how many times has He proved that He can and He will???

Once I prayed for a miracle and the answer He gave is not what I wanted….and I did not understand…I could not comprehend the why….snd somedays I still cannot. I also know that there are many things I do not know….and will never know this side of heaven.

As I lay here tonight….listening to the wind…..praying for the electricity to stay on….the trees to stay upright….the igloo to remain grounded…the fever to leave….graduation party and college to go well for my daughter….my dogs to be well at the places they are staying right now….my store….. ALL of the things.

My chest is tight….anxiety is here….time to pray and let go…..so much harder than you can even imagine.

Remain thankful and quit trying to control.

I have been married for around 24 years. We both came with our scars and our regrets. Blending families is excruciatingly hard. It is hard because you are putting broken lives that are in pieces back together with other broken lives and pieces. All of us broken and scarred because of the decisions of others. Our lives affected because of their selfishness.

I came with a broken heart and a sweet two year old boy…he came with a broken heart and two wounded little girls….and immaturity on my part as a young 29 year old still trying to maneuver through grief and the mistakes I made are many….and my husband would say the same…..

Somehow….you have the after story….by God’s amazing grace….we stand. We have scars….we have hurt….but we stand…and we made it.

Five years after we were married, I gave up hope I would ever have another child….then came…my bouncing baby girl!

She is leaving the nest….college has been chosen…cap and gown ordered….and my homeschooling journey of over 15 years is coming to an end. For the first time in our entire marriage, we will be without children.

I cry when I think about her being out in the world. The world is ugly and I worry for her heart. It is kind and tender and there will be many hard lessons that we have tried to prepare her for…but they must be learned….and they are difficult to do.

I’m not one of those moms who lived through their children’s sports and dreams. I’m a GenXer through and through. I did not go to every game and every rehearsal and every single thing on the planet. My children didn’t play every sport known to man and I hold absolutely no stock in any sport whatsoever. I believe sports serve a purpose but personally I don’t understand the absolute devotion to families who never see each other during the week…don’t eat at the table together….and their kids haven’t read a book except that which is required for literature. I am completely alone in this theory…and having two homeschooled kids who were both accepted into very good schools and one college graduate doing pretty well for himself…I think I know from which I speak.

I have always found my own hobbies and interests…and my kids know this.

It’s just…no more curriculum to pick out…no more homeschool groups…no more grading and keeping track of hours….and no more transcripts to fill out….and that makes me sad.

When I was able to stay home full time and homeschool and read books that went along with our curriculum and all the fun we had I’m so glad I got to do it. I have no regrets except I wish I would have been able to not have to work as much…I wish we would have had more time.

As we start on a new journey….I of course have my hobbies and my dogs and our business to invest in…but what I am most proud about is the two humans that I raised.

I hope that they feel the same….I hope they felt loved and I hope they always know they can come home ♥️ but not for too long 🥴.

I feel closer to my Dad right now than I have in years. I just keep hearing him whisper to me….you are your father’s daughter.

I am beyond tired physically and emotionally. I find comfort that there are people in this world that are two types. There are those who are the fighters and the doers….the get er doners (yes I know that isn’t a word). They carry it all, they do the grunt work and receive no praise. They get sick and still can’t relax because they have to fix all of the things. They are irreplaceable, but no one knows it until they are gone. They are the creative ones who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They spread happiness quietly, no fanfare….

They walk through fire and people say how are they standing? They suffer through pain silently…they find humor in places where none can be found…because they know happiness gives us all strength.

They make everything around them beautiful….and that is how they speak….they speak through beautiful spaces and how they dress and garden and flowers….and crafting and giving.

They receive no awards….no recognition….and this bothers them somewhat…..but the beauty of what they do is in the overheard conversations of nurses proclaiming joy out of things they received….the exclamations of people enjoying the spaces interior and exterior….the praise is in the laughter….the reward is in their joy.

You might be the person who plans the trips, and keeps everything together. The person who plans the parties and decorates. The person that is able to carry out every single detail….the one who makes it all happen. The one who steps in when others are sick and eases the burden. The one who keeps the secrets , that shares in the hurt of others. The one who does the ugly….and sees the sick and the hurting and the confused and marches in alone. The one who does the things that are heartbreaking….alone….who wants to just break down and cry but they knows they can’t…..because they are it….they are the glue.

I find myself here….in a world where most days…I want nothing more than to just disappear….to get into a bathtub and turn off all the noise….to not solve one problem…to not help one person.

Then I realize, that there are people that are just like me….and I cling to them….I can cry and they hug me…I don’t have to explain myself.

They cheer me on through dark and physically hard days….and they know just what I need.

To the clowns in my life……thank you for holding me together….so I can be the glue to everyone else. I love you all!!!

I hope you have people in your corner like I do! I would do anything for them….they are my glue, my confidants, my laughter, my strength….they make me unstoppable.

I admit, life has gotten me down and sometimes we just keep swimming and we really have no idea how hard we have worked and tired that we are until we go someplace beautiful where we are given an opportunity to be waited on and have amazing service.

It is not often that we are at a place where doors are held open and service is at an all time high. Where luxury experiences are something you get used to because it’s just how things are done here. It makes you want to do better in your own store and see how we can bring those same experiences to our store.

We were ridiculously lucky to have amazing weather. It was warmer in Colorado than at home. We were experiencing 64 to 70 degree days!

The nights were magical with lights in the trees….

The inside of the hotel was amazing….everywhere you looked there was beauty….every detail was absolutely thought of.

Umbrellas everywhere….just in case….

I felt that I was a real character in Downtown Abbey…

Our bedroom spectacular

Our water bottles….every detail

Coffee shop….amazing….never a bad….anything

One night we went to the golden bee where they throw golden bees at you until they stick….mine worked at 1….it took 5 for Mark.

The first time at the IJO show and our classes were fabulous! The show was wonderful and we are so excited to bring home a new line!

We met wonderful people!

I hope you can find a place that makes you feel special…that pays attention to every detail….

I hope you find a place where you can rest…and see such beauty.

So grateful for this opportunity!

Today I had a mammogram at 7:15 am…..because I always stress about it and I just wanted it done. Came back clear and I’m overwhelmingly grateful. I’ve heard that scary word and I never want to hear it again!

I rewarded myself with a matcha from my fave place since having my boobs smashed I feel (snd the boob smasher tech agreed) that a treat is a must! I’m sure she goes by that title!

My daughter is still sick so off to the doctor we went where hopefully a steroid and a antibiotic will nip this in the bud.

Our town is sooo sick I hope you are better. Have not been able to see my Mom because of sickness but I’m very glad to keep getting updates from the nurses and she is doing soo good!

Enjoyed making this adorable garden for my daffodils. I got the large bowl from the thrift and the cute little kitty….this will make it feel like spring when it gets so cold because we will have another cold snap that I assure you!

I hope right now with all the heavy news you get some tulips that make you smile. I miss when we didn’t know all the crap of the world….we are not made to bear such grief.

I haven’t clowned since clown camp….I seem to keep that part of me knit closely to my chest right now….I just don’t feel qualified to necessarily bring that kind of joy.

My clown family is extremely important to me….when you go through big things and people who see you once a year for 24 hours a day for a week….you bond with them….theywill never NOT be extremely important to me.

My youngest is going away to college at the same time clown camp is….snd even though I love my clown family….I am a Mom first….it breaks my heart but me and my clown besties will return in 2027.

The past two years have been difficult. I lost my father last year and went through breast cancer in 2023….I am still receiving hormonal treatments and oncology appointments every three months. It is wearing on me….my body hurts but I keep pressing on.

My Mother right now is in a nursing home and she has dementia….not as bad as my Dad but wouldn’t be able to care for herself. A month ago she got Covid and we did not think she would make it but miraculously she pulled through.

I have a store with employees and customers and it requires a lot of my time.

My daughter is ending her senior year and finalizations for that ceremony and figuring out where she should go….there are two choices of places she’s been accepted to.

Right now my red nose doesn’t bring me joy…..I am not quitting but I am in a funk I just can’t seem to get out of.

For now my thrifting hobbies and garden hobbies and needle point and reading and embroidery are giving me life….and I’m just going to embrace this season….and keep trying to find my clown heart once again.

I never thought I would believe it….but it is true. Thrifting has ruined me from shopping.

This year hits the five year mark in my house where it’s time to redecorate….and thrifting allows that.

I went to TJ Maxx and their Clearance items were $10 and that was way too high for me.

I see sweaters on sale for $49 and I throw up in my mouth. I’ve gotten pickier about clothing…and home furnishings by and I only buy name brands because they have such great quality….and if I decide I don’t love it? No worries…..I just donate it again…..here are just a few of my recent finds….and you had better be careful before thrifting ruins you to.

These are the items for the past three months….not including amazing clothing…..

Go see what you can find!!!! Such a fun way to create unique spaces and have a very different wardrobe!

It’s a very complicated relationship we have with our mothers. I know that my own Mother had a very challenging relationship with her own.

I was the last daughter….the oops….the last try for a boy. The one that was named Jamie because there would be no James.

My Mother taught me several things….some good…and some bad.

Holidays were always a big deal to my Mom. Setting a proper table….wrapping perfect presents, and never using the guest bathroom towels or soaps.

House cleaning was done on Saturday…and my mother would come through to inspect…I rarely passed…but to this day I can’t really find anyone to clean my house that is up to my standards 🥴.

Beds were made daily and they had to be a certain way….even in the nursing home she has told nurses how bad they make the bed. I can’t help but giggle….

My Mother was adored by my Father. The sun rose and set on my Mother and now that he is gone her heart is broken.

The death of my Father has been so difficult. Knowing that the person who loved me more than anything is gone…fills my heart with great sadness. I am lonely….I can’t call him….I can’t send packages to him and I still haven’t taken his address off my Amazon que nor have I taken his phone number that no longer exists off my phone.

I haven’t been able to visit my Mother much due to sickness, but when I do she is tired and in pain…it is hard to keep going….but it is important to always show up.

I cannot tell you how empty things feel right now….all we have our memories of our lives and family get togethers….

My family was loud….there was always a birthday…a fight….drama…

My Mother held a very high bar which I rarely made it to. I think it was the same bar she held for herself. I wish she could have learned about the Jesus I found out about at 28….instead of the judgement of Jesus and only that.

I hope when she gets to heaven and our Savior is there to greet her that she will see that she was good enough….and I hope that so many that live like her will understand what loss comes when you completely judge your kids and your grandkids and everyone else in between. It makes for a very lonely life.

I know that someday when I die many will add my faults and things I did wrong….but I think when you decide to change how you were raised and how you raised your kids…great things and relationships can still be had. We are not just our mistakes….and those that only hold onto our mistakes will end up bitter and alone themselves….

Until that fine day Momma…..thank you for believing and making me play piano….

I hope I made you proud.

We had an amazing Christmas season but our bodies are done in. We closed our store after Christmas for four days….reopened for three and after New Years, we took an additional four days. Our staff was exhausted….Mark has been sick the entire month and our poor Ellie has been sick since December 26th….she is finally starting to do better.

So needless to say….we needed some time off. We needed to rest, we needed to get projects done and we needed to have some fun. All work and no play makes me a very dull girl.

So this next week we are so ready to go to art galleries and get Christmas lights down and just get stuff done that has been on my list forever. My car is full with stuff to go to the Thrift. We have been purging and getting rid of all sorts of stuff.

Yesterday, we had some fun and did some vintage shopping at a place in my hometown that I haven’t had time to go to in five years.

I found this amazing frame and winter painting….

And the best food…

I also found these amazing vases….

Today I vacuumed and mopped and cleaned bathrooms and washed clothes and watered plants and took care of two dogs….

I have all Christmas down inside the house. I keep up greenery and plain trees until March….it just helps with the winter snow and ice etc. Makes the house feel cozy.

Today I out some Vday charm out….

I then moved some things around to make our sitting room not feel as cramped…..

I hope your house is cozy….I hope you learn to decorate with what brings you joy.

Someday when I die I want people to say…. Oh that’s gonna be a good estate sale! She has the craziest taste!

Stay tuned! Lots of thrifting and gardening and projects going on this week!!!!

Pray I stay well!!!!!

I am extremely grateful for a record breaking December. We are exhausted but so grateful.

Mark for the first time in the time I have known him missed all Saturdays of December and the one Sunday we were open due to extreme illness which he is still battling.

We are enjoying a few days off….being with our children….and like everything fun it’s over to fast.

I think we measure an experience by how long we were able to enjoy one another….but we just really just think about the moments. I used to constantly measure how good a holiday was by how long my son would be home….but now I just count the moments. I think it’s important not to show disappointment with our adult children with how long g they decide to spend with us…:to respect their time and be glad they chose some time with us. I never want to guilt them….home should bring comfort….never where they don’t measure up.

It should be a place of their favorite snacks and clean sheets and long mornings. It should bring fluffy towels and hot showers and still getting stockings.

It should be where they feel safe…..and loved and a place where they can relax….a haven.

Our youngest launches soon….and no….:I am not ready

Merry Christmas and I can’t wait to show you the projects and trips of 2026!!!!!