The Reluctant Red Nose

Today I got the last of my tattoos. I had a skin cancer scar that needed covering

I also had the added complication of this needing to blend with my other tattoo….so I was skeptical since it was two different artists but I think he did fabulous!

I chose yellow roses because when I was 16 my Dad had 17 pink and yellow roses delivered to the school (one to grow on)

There is even a picture somewhere with me and my roses and my big braces smiling while holding them…he always loved yellow roses.

So, I thought what better way to remember him than have a permanent reminder….

I think it turned out fabulous!

When it’s all healed I will show it again…..

And guess what? My dahlias are starting to do their magic!

We are back from our work trip. The JCK Vegas show was the best it had ever been….there were so many fun activities to do….our hotel was quiet and beautiful and had fantastic security just the way I like it!

I had a huge bubble tub all to myself.

Every day we ate at a Dennys and we had the most amazing waitress Lilly…we saw her everyday! She was amazing!

We saw amazing things and the weather was actually not too bad!

Met a new box company and received a huge box of Chinese candy….so fun! They insisted on a photo together!

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We are bringing back some amazing pieces!

We hope to see this someday….hopefully it will be at the sphere next year. We simply ran out of time.

We really had a good time….Vegas was pleasant and actually fun this time…this was our 17th or 18th visit.

Some of our staff came too

So fun!

But I was so happy to see….

Who in the world decided to throw Mother’s Day in the mix of May needs to have their head examined. I feel just as stressed in May as I do in December….

Yesterday was a hard day and thankfully I knew myself well enough to know that being away was the best medicine….so we are at a Airbnb….my absolute fave one and we went thrifting….and dinner and of course reading and needlepoint.

The host was amazing…..gained some knowledge of the most amazing detergent I have ever smelled….so good my husband noticed.

She’s an amazing Gardner and she left me these….

I cannot wait!

We went thrifting which is not my husbands fave thing to do but I appreciate his love for me. I found some great things! Can’t wait to show you when I return home!

The next day we headed to BellaVista and went on a short hike

We then headed to Bentonville and I had some F 150 ice cream just like Sam Walton would have wanted.

My emotions have been strong and all over the place.

My daughter leaning the nest, my father being gone for a year, my mother not doing real great in the nursing home…and I just turned 52 as I write this…

My heart wants to cry….but also celebrate as we have good things in our future but I still don’t know how to process….my biggest hero is gone…and life will never be as sweet again.

I haven’t written in my blog in awhile, simply because I have had some very big feelings that I felt needed to be properly vetted before expressing.

There is a lot that has happened in the last three weeks so I will begin at the end and then go backwards….because I am weird and that feels right and the easiest to manage.

After work today I went to see my Mom and I got there around dinner time. I helped my Mom eat her dinner….she kept telling me to make sure my Dad had enough to eat…she keeps getting my Dad confused with a man named Jack who looks nothing like my Dad…but it seemed to calm her when I told her he was eating good and enjoying the food. she would kiss my hands and put her hand to my face….I don’t recall this happening to me as a child. She told me I always had soft skin…which is true…I have…my husband tells me the same. She got upset when I left…she always does….and I miss my Dad and wish he was here and I hate dementia so much.

Ellianna turned 19 yesterday…..and I cannot believe it…..

I have homeschooled since 2009 I believe…so around 17 years and this is the first time that I will not be buying new curriculum for the following year….final transcript was sent to her university….and my job is done….and it feels really weird. I’m sad for the days of school and learning and activities that are gone. However, I am also happy for her to be doing what she loves and the joy that she will feel as she chases her dreams.

Lastly, my husband and I will be empty nesters since the first time in our marriage and we are excited about it. We almost don’t know what to do with ourselves.

I will not miss the rat race….the lessons, the nagging, the sports, the instruments, the learning how to drive, the anxiety, the reading, the studying of one’s papers and grading….the drama of clothing and hair and makeup and all of the things because if I’m being completely honest….I am tired….

I am tired of all that comes with having adult children and school children, running a business and caring for aging parents, dealing with your parents death and dealing with cancer. I am just plain tired.

I am sure this makes me sound horrible. I love my children but I have trained them to enjoy their lives and to be independent. I want them to come home and I can spoil them but I also want them to want to go back to their homes and their lives that they have created.

I would like to start clowning again and volunteering besides just working at my business….I would like to garden and work on my health and read and embroider and needlepoint and all the granny things I can fit in in a day…..

I want to do things that feed my soul….because I still have so much to give and my tank is running on empty and I need to be refueled.

I did not cry when Ellie walked across the stage….I smiled….because she earned all the good things that have come her way….and I’m immensely grateful to call her my daughter….now let’s go watch and see what she does!

To say we are tired would be an understatement….for about two months we have worked and worked to get our yard and garden and house ready….and here are a few of our projects…..

Graduation was a beautiful day….we could have not asked for better..::

Truly a beautiful day…..

I am not sure if you’ve ever been a witness to watching your kids dreams come true but it is an amazing feeling.

Yesterday we went to my daughter’s college for a visit and a lab where she could visit all the classes she wanted and ask all the questions.

Since she was 10 this has been her dream…and I am just floored watching it all come true.

My heart is so filled…..

And I would like to introduce Pip….

We got him from the shelter…his name was propane….we obviously changed it…..

We are in ♥️♥️♥️♥️

We came in on Thursday night….and had a lovely dinner with our eldest and enjoyed a Dosa! If you haven’t had it…you must try one!

Friday we just kind of explored Bethesda

Saturdays we went to see the pandas!

We learned how to use the Metro…..

We went to a Nationals game

Got free hats!

Went to an amazing restaurant after

Had an amazing dinner at a place called Hot Pot! That was Friday night

Today we went to our fave coffee shop and will go back there later today….

Today we are just relaxing

Tonight we will go out to a lovely dinner

Have a lovely day!

Trip cancelled….sickness came…whatcha gonna do?

I could whine and cry and I could be mad but my body failed me once again and in a way I think it was saying uncle.

Owning a business is extremely stressful. When we are busy it’s stressful and when it’s not it’s stressful. I’m responsible for people and their children and I don’t carry that responsibility lightly. I have amazing employees now and it has taken us several years to get there….and lots of frogs. Customers lately have become unhinged and everyone is talking about it….and I think my body said I need a break….

I had a fever everyday and some days it got to 103. Yesterday was the first day I quit having a fever in a week and a half….I would wake up every morning at 2:30am dry heaving and sometimes throwing up….thankfully my doctor gave me something for the queasiness and that was a game changer.

So what did I do to keep from going crazy? Found a Netflix series to watch….got all the stuff done for my daughter’s graduation….ordered stuff for the store that I had put off….had a new HVAC unit installed and did a ton of needlepoint. Rescheduled our trip and got tickets for a wedding in the fall, and did I say needlepoint?

Read and listened to the Bible on audio….watched the snow fall and then two days later be 80 degrees…. Went through housing for Ellie’s college with her….made plans for getting her a cat for her anxiety to take with her to school.

So I say to you…..somedays….you have to listen to your body….and then for those hard of hearing like me….really listen when she starts to scream.

I had every test and was negative for them all. My doctor said everyone is sick and it’s taking three weeks for people to feel like themselves again….I am halfway there….

I will be a weirdo for a few weeks and will be wearing a mask at work because since I work with the public someone came in with something….and I can’t afford to be ill again.

For those of you who go places when you have fevers and are sick….please re think that….and please just stop….the rest of us are tired of getting sick because you don’t want to stay home.

Enjoy the needlepoint that was completed!

Here is my next needlepoint project but it will be awhile before it’s completed because my garden is calling and I must answer!!!

Stay well everyone!!!!!

I’m laying in bed on day three of sickness. We missed our trip to see our adult children and as I lay here with a fever listening to the wind blow….hoping power stays on and my igloo does not blow away and end up in my neighbors yard.

I feel my anxiety is sky high….once again….things beyond my control.

I remember when a storm would blow in Dad would call me telling me a storm was coming. He would say “batton down the hatches!” As a kid I never worried….he would stand on the porch or by the window and watch the storm blow in….he would worry, just as I am now.

I think that’s the hardest part of losing my Dad….no matter how old I got….call me when you get home. Even when dementia came and he would go to the driveway to wave at me….he still said it….

When he would find out we were sick (even as adults) he would call us to see what was wrong….

Now the wind blows and I have a fever…and I am thinking about him and missing him.

Thankful for my husband who has had to take care of both my daughter and myself, trying hard to not get sick again himself….this year has been brutal for all of us.

Then, just for fun….we need a new AC unit and furnace….because….adulting….

I wish I was better at storms and when the wind blows….I wish I could trust….I wish I could be like the guy sleeping on the plane so hard with horrible turbulents that he almost landed in the aisle….blissfully unconcerned…..while I sat there with hands that went numb because I forget to breathe….each…..and…..every…..time.

Who are you when the wind blows…..do you rest in the comfort that you will get through it like the guy sleeping on the plane….or are you like me?

There hasn’t been one thing I haven’t gone through that God didn’t hold my hand through the fire….I didn’t always want to take His hand….I very much wanted to run….

I wanted to say….let someone else have this trial….I am not smart enough….I am not brave enough….You have asked too much of me already….why do you ask more…..

Then He does the most beautiful things with all the pieces….the torn up bits….the igloo in the neighbors yard….the broken HVAC….the torn off roof….the cheating husband…the uncaring Pastor and the so called “Christ followers” the back biting friends…the jealous people who spread lies….and He fixes it…:and never in the way we ever imagined.

The heartbreak is real…the pain is deep….and somedays I feel I cannot breathe with the enormity of it all….

I have walked through enormous tragedies….i have seen the modern versions of the Red Sea being parted….and walking through….I have seen absolute miracles…..

Still….as I walk through new trials, more hurdles, anxiety still attacks me….and my prayers are always like….”You’ve got this right God?” Just checking!!!! And I am sure that He must become so frustrated with me….because how many times has He proved that He can and He will???

Once I prayed for a miracle and the answer He gave is not what I wanted….and I did not understand…I could not comprehend the why….snd somedays I still cannot. I also know that there are many things I do not know….and will never know this side of heaven.

As I lay here tonight….listening to the wind…..praying for the electricity to stay on….the trees to stay upright….the igloo to remain grounded…the fever to leave….graduation party and college to go well for my daughter….my dogs to be well at the places they are staying right now….my store….. ALL of the things.

My chest is tight….anxiety is here….time to pray and let go…..so much harder than you can even imagine.

Remain thankful and quit trying to control.

I have been married for around 24 years. We both came with our scars and our regrets. Blending families is excruciatingly hard. It is hard because you are putting broken lives that are in pieces back together with other broken lives and pieces. All of us broken and scarred because of the decisions of others. Our lives affected because of their selfishness.

I came with a broken heart and a sweet two year old boy…he came with a broken heart and two wounded little girls….and immaturity on my part as a young 29 year old still trying to maneuver through grief and the mistakes I made are many….and my husband would say the same…..

Somehow….you have the after story….by God’s amazing grace….we stand. We have scars….we have hurt….but we stand…and we made it.

Five years after we were married, I gave up hope I would ever have another child….then came…my bouncing baby girl!

She is leaving the nest….college has been chosen…cap and gown ordered….and my homeschooling journey of over 15 years is coming to an end. For the first time in our entire marriage, we will be without children.

I cry when I think about her being out in the world. The world is ugly and I worry for her heart. It is kind and tender and there will be many hard lessons that we have tried to prepare her for…but they must be learned….and they are difficult to do.

I’m not one of those moms who lived through their children’s sports and dreams. I’m a GenXer through and through. I did not go to every game and every rehearsal and every single thing on the planet. My children didn’t play every sport known to man and I hold absolutely no stock in any sport whatsoever. I believe sports serve a purpose but personally I don’t understand the absolute devotion to families who never see each other during the week…don’t eat at the table together….and their kids haven’t read a book except that which is required for literature. I am completely alone in this theory…and having two homeschooled kids who were both accepted into very good schools and one college graduate doing pretty well for himself…I think I know from which I speak.

I have always found my own hobbies and interests…and my kids know this.

It’s just…no more curriculum to pick out…no more homeschool groups…no more grading and keeping track of hours….and no more transcripts to fill out….and that makes me sad.

When I was able to stay home full time and homeschool and read books that went along with our curriculum and all the fun we had I’m so glad I got to do it. I have no regrets except I wish I would have been able to not have to work as much…I wish we would have had more time.

As we start on a new journey….I of course have my hobbies and my dogs and our business to invest in…but what I am most proud about is the two humans that I raised.

I hope that they feel the same….I hope they felt loved and I hope they always know they can come home ♥️ but not for too long 🥴.