Today I had an early meeting at our church where they wanted to get to know me and have me play keyboard to see if this is something that I would be interested in doing. I had debated it for awhile and the timing just never felt right…until now.
It was a lovely conversation and I enjoyed playing. One of the songs she chose was “the Goodness of God” that song was played on my mother’s video and it brought a smile and at the same time tears to my soul.
Sweet people have asked how I am doing all day today…:
I first went to my favorite place for a fall drink today and enjoyed my sweet pumpkin they put on top. That made me smile.
I then went to my booth to rearrange and add some things, found a cute picture with a clown on it for my office and possible fun thing to display for Halloween. that made me smile.
Went to hobby lobby and Jamie’s secret garden where I met amazing sales staff that were super sweet….and then I went home to clean. I haven’t had a chance to put my house back together since the funeral. Beautiful flowers that people sent all around my house are dying…and bedrooms just had to be put back together.
Then I had a hair appointment and I still did not cry but I got very close…::
Grief I have found, is like a heavy coat on a 93 degree day in August. I feel that I can take on the day with no issues….and then all the sudden that heaviness of that winter coat just weighs you down. Grief is an actual physical pain…you have to acknowledge it…you have to walk it…you have to feel it.
I make myself do hard hard things….like I went through her belongings and decided to leave them in the suitcases for now….and I can’t bring myself to go through her blankets yet….but I did go to the graveside and was very grateful for the way they had placed the flowers on her grave.
Believe it or not this picture made me give myself a little hug at the graveside. I love the heart flowers where they put them…it was like my sister and I were saying our last goodbyes to our Mom. I couldn’t help but smile.
I drove away from the graveside ready to go to the nursing home to check on Mom….fully then realizing that I no longer needed to go there. Life….boy, have you changed.
I struggle to hear their voices in my head…my mother’s voice changed last year…I don’t understand why but I’m sure it has to do with lung capacity. I struggle to remember their hugs…
My garden I have neglected…what gave me great joy…just now reminds me of my Mother and I am overwhelmed by weeds and tomatoes that need to be picked but I am excited about the cantaloupe that I’m growing! Truly!
My booth has been a wonderful distraction…and for that I’m grateful
I received this necklace yesterday, it’s a picture of my Mother and I and has her fingerprint. I wear it everyday.
The night before my Mom died I got this amazing idea to open a booth. I love love to thrift. So I messaged an antique store where I live in town…and they had just opened up their basement for new vendors and I was soo excited!!!
So I signed up and had plans to move in and get to work….but life happens…and plans change…and disasters happen like your Mother heading to heaven without checking with you first.
So, today, I finally got to start sitting up my booth!
I did one haul and tomorrow I have a big one. At this point I’m looking for shelving….but today was a good start!
Mira keeps me smiling!
My love of thrifting has been going on for well over a year and this booth helps feed their that creativity in a thoughtful way. It is also the best thing I can do right now….stay busy!
If I do not stay very busy I will definitely become quite depressed…. My garden right now seems to make me sad as well….I will keep trying.
So thankful for this opportunity, will share more once it’s all set up!
The few hours after my Mother had passed, the first thing I did was get sick….then it felt like I had the flu for about three days. I went to work and was able to get through but I just would collapse at night.
I thought after her funeral I would start to get my legs under me….but a few days this week I felt better (except for crying at anything at anytime) then yesterday and today I have had a horrible headache and just totally achy.
Tomorrow I have several distractions and I think that’s good. This week requires me to get my antique booth up and get my house and store decorated for fall. I am grateful for these distractions.
When you lose your parents a year after the other the emptiness is hard to explain….but the fact that we were all cheated because of dementia became a much harder pill to swallow.
I am thankful that I no longer have to walk into a the nursing home and hear my Mom screaming for me to help her….but I also know that wasn’t her…not really.
It became hard when the nurses had to remind her who I was…
The first person that greeted me when I came into this world is gone. The woman who helped me walk and eat…and introduced me to berries and let me have my own goat and dogs and puppies and cats and taught me how to take care of them…is gone. The people who knew me best…who watched me grow and marry and have children and knew every single part of me….and I am alone.
How do you come back from that? Yes I will see them in heaven but what about the years that were robbed of me that I could have had with them? What about the Time I missed out on….
How many times will our family get together now that our parents are gone?
What becomes of all of us?
Do we all become wrapped up in our own families? Do we all just get together every other year? I can hear dad’s words in my ears “always love each other.”
Feelings after my parents have passed are raw….
I’m working on not holding grudges, not being upset when I have had to do things alone…..
I wonder what it would be like to just not do it…rely on someone else? I am my father’s daughter….I will see it to the end….and I have.
My job is complete….I feel I ran the race well….but everything imaginable has changed. I have visited and looked after my parents for so long I don’t know how to not do this? How do I just go on?
I am thankful for warm kitties who for now, heal my soul….and give me comfort.
I like to think that God orchestrated me getting her at just the right time.
So tomorrow we begin a new way of life….and we will just keep putting one foot in front of the other….
We laid our Mother to rest yesterday. The tears flowed as we watched videos of our parents and that the legacy is gone. The man with all the answers tried to prepare us for this but we were unprepared for dementia.
Three years ago we had to take matters into our own hands…and I wish those things on no one.
Having your Dad cry as you leave is a pain unimaginable. Having your Mom call you around 18 times in one hour to go and get your Dad out of the nursing home was something that I can’t describe. My parents had never been apart and my Mother felt she could care for my Dad and she could not. He would be out wandering the streets…we are so grateful that God watched over him.
My Mother joined him at the nursing home and for awhile we thought we would be in smoother waters, but Dad declined. He didn’t eat much and got an infection and two days before my birthday, he went to heaven after lasting seven days. He went only after I promised him I would take care of Mom (and I hope he was pleased.)
We then decided moving Mom closer to me was best. My sisters health was failing (where Mom and dad were) and it was too much for her to take care of. So, I moved mom to a wonderful facility here…which she instantly called a hell hole. It was anything but a hell hole…it is the nicest place here in town. She had wonderful nurses who loved her but in the beginning it was rough.
I would be called to the home because she refused to take her meds at night or go to bed. She would yell at the nurses for beds made badly (I grew up with that so I fully understand the wrath) she hated bunchy sheets. I would also be called to the home because mom was trying to break a patient named Larry out of his room (she thought it was Dad) and apparently started quite a drama for the evening nurses.
Later we brought hospice in to come alongside the nurses and we used them for bathing and changing and sitting with her and she enjoyed the minister…they would give me several weekly reports…as well as the regular nurses.
I set up people to also visit and we just figured it out as we went along. Mom sometimes called me her sister…then would recognize me and called me by my name.
Towards the end she yelled constantly and me holding her hand would help for a little. Meds changed…more sleep…and then one day with no warning….
She decided that she was done….she wanted to be with Dad. She was tired of being in pain…and she just took off for heaven without a second thought.
So here I am trying to understand what happened, and how things can change so fast.
I’m also mad because I should have been able to have more time. I should have been able to enjoy more conversations…I should have been able to tell her things…but we were all deprived of so many things. I never got to tell her I had cancer. I never got to tell her about gardening and ask her questions that I had. Nothing who it canning…or fishing.
She would regularly ask me to go get my Dad and ask me where he was. Several times during my visit she would ask why she hasn’t seen him…
Sometimes I would drive from the facility numb
Now…..I wish I could hear their voices…. I wish I could hug them…I wish I could sit with them one last time.
I know they are in heaven….I know I will see them again…but that feels like eternity. It feels so lonely. I feel so very alone.
I hope I did a good job Dad of watching over Mother.
So we become empty nesters for the first time, o learn how to be without any parents.
If I had a word that described my Mother best….it would be the details.
From a very early age I learned how to set a proper table. Cloth napkins were best when nicely ironed.
Saturday nights were cause for hair washing and socks in the hair for my never ending straight hair to give it some curl. Dresses were ironed, shoes were polished and ribbons were laid out.
Easter always had the same Easter basket year after year. A Peter Rabbit chocolate bunny, robin eggs, jelly beans which I didn’t like and the candy eggs with white fluffy center. The Easter basket was always hidden in a new place, and we always had brand new dresses and socks, sometimes my sister and I matched…but as she grew older not so much.
Valentines Day was always a special table setting….we each got a card and some chocolates. Mom made a cheesecake and we had pretty felt hearts all decorated around the table.
Christmas was always a treat. We had a Christmas breakfast with a pretty candle and our Christmas breakfast presents were usually books or something like that. I found out later that Dad would always pick our oranges and apples and I wish I would have known that, I would have said thank you more.
My Mother kept a very pretty house. We learned early how to put a room together and how to decorate. How to vacuum and dust properly…and most importantly how to make a bed properly.
Her attention to detail flowed over into my piano playing. She couldn’t read music but she always pointed out the mistakes I had made. As a teenager I found this so irritating but now as an adult I understand what she was doing….and I’m a better keyboard player because of it.
My Mother was an excellent seamstress, a skill none of us girls except Kathie, were able to accomplish. She made bridesmaids dresses, and flower girl dresses, prom dresses and school dresses and my favorite dresses were the ones she made. I had dolls that she made and stuffed animals, some of those I still have to this day.
If my Mother would be raising children today , she would have been known as a “crunchy” Mom. She made us try goats milk which did not go over well with my dad nor my nieces and nephews. We had a goat each…my goat was named Heidi. We then switched to cows milk after all of us complained, and especially my Dad . I learned about scraping cream from the top, I learned this by getting in trouble for pouring the milk and cream in my cereal. When I did remember she would sometimes make me churn butter and then we would put it in a pretty butter mold.
She loved nature and camping…I remember how I would always make fun of how she took pictures of landscape and animals…and now when I reach to do the same…I get it.
She loved gardening and even though she tried…I didn’t have the love for it until older. I did enjoying running the tiller. She loved plants and we had lots of those. She dried flowers that she grew, she canned and she did freezer corn…to this day I am not a fan of corn. I just hated how sticky everything was.
She took me blackberry picking and gooseberry picking and raspberry picking…and I had to wear long sleeves so I didn’t scratch my arms. I loved this chore for the most part because I loved to eat the berries….but the jam Mom made was top tier.
There were special days when we would come home and I would open the fridge and Mom would put in fancy glass cups some jellos with fruit in it with whipping cream or even chocolate pudding….I absolutely loved our fancy dishes and how fun it was to eat out of them.
Summer was all about swimming in the pool and my job was getting the bugs off the pool…a job I did not like, nor did I do it well. Suntan lotion was never heard of…so on day two after a sunburn I would wear my dad’s white t shirt. We would play all day and only come in at night to watch the muppets and eat frozen yogurt…which was in fact….Andersen Erickson yogurt ….that we froze.
Every morning my Mother could be found in her spot reading her bible and praying …every Wednesday night she was at choir practice which felt like five ever and I would play with the other kids who found themselves in the same position. My Mother loved music and was adamant that we learn how to play an instrument since she never got to.
She was a tea drinker while my Dad was a coffee drinker. She taught my Ellie to get at least get two cups of tea out of each tea bag. This is a tradition my Ellie does to this day.
My Mother was raised during the depression. We saved every bit of food, every plastic bag and every piece of aluminum foil.
She taught me to go thrifting before it was cool and check name brands and to buy finer quality.
We learned how to stretch a dollar early and what was important to spend money on and what wasn’t.
My favorite thing to do in this life was to make my Mother laugh. she would sit downstairs and read our school paper and laugh and laugh when she would read my articles and I would do anything to hear that laugh again.
She was an amazing self taught artist…she was thrilled to hear that Ellianna was headed to art school….which today was her first day, and there is no doubt her skill comes from her grandmother.
Kansas City Art Institute
My favorite memories would be when we would drive home from church. It was a long trip…about 45 minutes to home. Dad would be driving and Mom would start singing and I would be laying in the back windshield (back when seatbelts were not a requirement) and I would look at the stars and listen as my Dad would sing with us. My mother soprano my sister alto and I would just sing the melody…and Dad would join in wherever he felt like singing.
I would pay a million dollars to have that moment one more time…in our gray Buick driving down the road with our maroon velvet seats…and me without a care in this world.
Exactly two cars and three cartloads and another load within the next week and an Amazon order to the rescue and we will have her settled.
We needed to get some new merchandise…
The dorm rooms are very spacious. We were not sure we would have room for everything but I knew we would and we do…
Mark and I went to a fabulous hamburger joint with the best name…
Then we went across the street to a fabulous ice cream joint owned by the same owner…
Right now we are trying to find our new normal. I can’t seem to catch my breath. There is so much to do and my body is grieving all of life’s events right now and I am having a very hard time coping.
Mira likes the light while I do needlepointing. She sleeps on my chest right now and she’s giving me all the feels.
Today I finished up looking through pics….reminded of all the amazing dresses and stuffed animals and dolls my mom made me. I always thought that was just normal.
I had an amazing childhood…and now I feel desperate to remember it….
Christmas was always special I now am the owner of this nativity set and it’s my favorite possession in all the worldMy parents were building a house when I was little…took about a year to complete…Barbies were my love language My absolute fave gift of all time Mom made these for all my sisters I still have theseWe were getting a pool and I was helping….I think there’s a speck of sand on my shovelHuge fan of Holly Hobbie jewelry Christmas breakfast with our special presents and the candle that was lit for maybe five minutes every Christmas Cake was always my fave Raise your hand if you had skates like these Another doll my mom made meHomemade cakes always I always tried to be brave but our horse always scared me with how big she was My grandma, great grandma, sister Ronda, and Mom….now only Ronda and I This pic of dad and I standing the same and me very unimpressed with Old Faithful…Dad wanted to take me across the country to see these things
Another fave dress she made for me and our new bannister that still needed to be stained
Grateful for the memories….until one glorious day.
Our cars are packed…we agreed that Ellie and I would drive down first and get the main majority of the room set up and Mark would drive down with her cat and the extra supplies in Ellianna’s car. We just felt it would be easier. I am my fathers daughter and I learned early how to pack. Dad would tell me that if it didn’t fit it couldn’t come and I was a girlie girl…it was coming one way or the other.
Most art students are not elaborate in their dorm rooms….their art speaks for itself…interior designers they are not. I am trying to keep my little decorating self contained….add a little whimsy but let her make it hers.
Tomorrow you will not see a southern girls monogrammed dorm room that looks like Pottery Barn fabulousness….because that’s not who we are….if that’s you…I tip my little trucker hat to you….but just because that isn’t who we are doesn’t mean that we don’t have a cute environment to thrive in. The whole reason my child is where she is, is because she’s there to learn and be molded. I want her out exploring all the things not sitting in her perfect dorm room posing and entertaining. I want her forging relationships, meeting people and pushing herself to be a better human.
Tonight after Ellie and I packed the car…my husband and I sat with Ellie and prayed over her…..because that’s what is important. Her spiritual well being. That’s what makes you a successful and caring adult….not a $20K dorm makeover.
Next week we will take the fridge and microwave and kitty litter robot that her sister and brother n law bought for her….it was too much this time around , and we will take whatever else she needs…because sometimes you have to be in the space to really know what you need. No reason to bring more…better to bring less.
So here’s to showing off dorm rooms that are normal….cute and functional….and better yet affordable.
Today at work I told everyone no hugs. I told them not to say I’m sorry…I know they are…but there’s a certain feeling of just people who are my friends knowing and I don’t feel comfortable sharing my private life with my customers. Especially when I am super vulnerable.
Church on Sunday was healing. Until one of my friends got up to take communion who visited my Mom a lot….tears when I saw her. Another came up and hugged me and I cried and sobbed…she’s the kind of friend who has magic hugs…she doesn’t have to say anything…you just want to be hugged by her forever.
I got my kitty Mira on Sunday….poor baby had fleas had to go directly to the vet to get meds and her first shot…in three weeks we go back.
Because I’m insane I decided I had to have our downstairs bathroom made into a space for her complete with wallpaper
For now she’s filling a hole that is pretty deep but she’s trying.
My Ellie girl goes off to college in two days….I have funeral homes and chaplains calling me. I decided to purchase a booth at a antique store before all this happened and they want it ready to go by September. Also I need to decorate my store and home for fall. I have a wedding to attend for a very dear friend that’s in Texas…and two weeks after that we go on a trip of a lifetime…and I feel that I can’t feel one more emotion.
How do you send your daughter off to school—- happy for her but sad for you
Bury your mother- happy she’s no longer here in pain but sad for you.
Go to a wedding for your dear friend and see other friends—-happy
Go on a trip of a lifetime- happy
Lose both of your parents in a fifteen month span- unbelievably hard.
I was going through my Mothers purse the other night when I had collected the things that I felt meant the most to her. I found her tracks that she used to give out…her small New Testament bible which I had apparently wanted very badly because my childhood writing of my name was scrawled across my mothers. And inside my dads wallet were pictures of me and my Mom and my children…including this one…extremely worn so I wanted it in a frame. Some people say I look like her….she was very pretty so I don’t see the comparison but I appreciate the compliment.
I am not sure how familiar everyone is with dementia….both of my parents had it…and I don’t wish it on anyone. Leaving the nursing homes most days I would just sit in the car trying to understand what I just dealt with. Sometimes there was humor…other days there were tears as my Mother screamed at me to help her….I would hold her hand and that would help…..
The nurses at the home were exceptional. They would send me pictures of mom and this particular one was my favorite.
What most people don’t know is my Mother had no patience for the ridiculous….when I was growing up this is not the person that you see before you on this picture. My Mother was refined, proper, and always about the details…I took after my Dad….comfort was of utmost importance and I had a fascination with chocolate or anything sweet. I did not believe in details, especially bed making.
My mother never knew that I clowned…I knew she would not understand and therefore would be upset with me.
I never wanted something that is something so important to me to be discussed in a negative manner. I didn’t want her opinion on something that is a huge part of me.
I guess that’s the amazing part of heaven. All those silly things that held you back from being the most amazing person you can be are all gone.
So in a way….I think this picture of my mother is who she really was….before she had so many people to impress….before she worried about how everything looked….before she really understood the GRACE of Jesus.
He did not come for the perfect….He came for those who knew they weren’t perfect.
I will never understand why some people go through life with no worries, troubles, or pain…and others seem to go through it a lot. The last six years have been rough….but I like who I am after the pain….I like that the little things he mean the most. My relationship with my children is more open….less confrontational about how they live their lives….both of my children have tattoos and I guess since I have four….that’s ok.
Everyone has a choice in life….those of us who were parents have made mistakes…our parents made mistakes…but I choose not to live in those mistakes….I choose to look at the good…look at the amazing lessons that I learned from both of them….and grateful for the warm home where I never knew hunger, never knew violence, never knew what it was like not to have a coat or shoes or any of my needs and most of my wants.
I choose to see the good….and I know that when she sees me clowning….she will see me through these green heart glasses and smile from heaven because now she understands….now she gets it.
Today I felt as if I was hit by a ton of bricks. I fell back asleep around 5:30 after nursing on a ginger beer since 3 am.
I thought I was handling the stress of everything so well, but today after I watered my poor parched flowers and went through the mail, I was completely done. I felt physically sick…like I had the flu.
I went through the garden…and it did make me smile….my dog knew my heart hurt so he stayed by me. I started crying in the shower and he joined right in…go grateful for animals.
My staff sent me these beautiful flowers ….
I of course cried as soon as I saw them.
Pippin kept me company…Had coffee out of my new mug from Colorado made by a local artist. It’s absolute perfection!
I’m trying to do anything that will cause me to smile.
Tomorrow I have to go to the home to get mom’s clothes for burial and then go by the funeral home. 🏠
Right now if you asked me how I’m feeling I would say strange. The best way I can describe it is when I was around the age of seven, I woke up for school with my Dad telling us he had to take our mother to the hospital. I remember asking why and I believe it had something to do with hemorrhaging if I remember correctly but Dad knew I would have a hard time with that word so he just said “physical problems” so I practiced that word over and over again to tell my teachers and I remember being in the big bus and crying and just missing my Mom. There was a certain comfort with knowing she was at home waiting for me…and I hated hospitals. I remember feeling so very alone….and that is how I would describe how I feel right now…alone.
I was cheated from a real relationship with my Mother for awhile😘 dementia doesn’t play fair.
So, 2026 you were stacking up to be so much better than 2025…but losing my parents 16 months apart was not something I wanted on my bingo card this year
I woke up at 3 am feeling nauseous. That was probably the absolute longest trip from Colorado we had ever had. Four hours left of the trip we got the call that Mom was not long for this world. She had been fine the day before…visited with people….but my Mother….when she makes up her mind to go…she just does.
We finally got in around 7:30 and went straight to the nursing home. One of my sisters along with my nieces and nephew were there…we all said goodbye and told stories and I kissed my Mom on the forehead and told her I loved her and thanked her for being my Mom. Told her I would be back in the morning. The same sentence I said to my Dad in May of 2025.
We got home around 9:30 and unloaded the car and made our way to bed….and then at 3 I woke up….and I already knew before I looked at the phone that my Mom had passed.
Hospice tried to call me several times and then the funeral home. I don’t know why I turned my phone off…denial? I said I would be right back in the morning….
Daughters and mothers have complicated stories and I will not list all the complications of our relationship. My Mother was raised by a woman who had lots of secrets and issues with my Mother…and none of them ever made sense to me. My Mom did the best she could with what she knew. I hope someday when I pass my children will choose to focus on the good and not the bad of what I did.
Mom loved gardening. Again, what am I wearing and where are my shoes?
My Mother loved art…our house was very well decorated. She taught all of us how to make a home. She taught us early how to properly make a bed and how to set a table. Cloth napkins and tablecloths always ironed. We were always well dressed and ironed and makeup was always to be blended and well applied. Hair and clothing when I became a teen was very much perfected….childhood not so much. You could tell that I was child number five.
This is how I dressed for Christmas?
My mother was an amazing artist and that is where my Ellie gets much of her talent. Mom was always so proud to hear that Ellie was going to art school.
Mom
Made holidays special and she was an amazing seamstress… one year she made me and the grandkids these dogs….
Again, don’t ask me what I was wearing
She made my clothes…my friends would always ask if Mom could make them dresses
She made amazing birthday cakes This dress was a favorite among my friends and myself Holidays were a big deal
She loved my children fiercely and always was concerned with their walk with the Lord.
I loved the outdoors because of my parents
Right now I feel lost….both of my parents are gone…and I am not sure how to feel.
I know they are finally together and happy. I know my Mothers mind is restored, her body is made new…and she hugged my Saviors neck and then held hands with my Dad as he showed her around. I have no doubt her reunion in heaven is nothing short of amazing….but wow…what a hole in my heart….
What a huge pain that fills my stomach…grief…and death…I absolutely hate you.
The Reluctant Red Nose 