The Reluctant Red Nose

This trip has stressed me out for months….I am the girl with the constant internal dialogue that is always in hyperdrive.

It’s the crazy thoughts that run through my head about every possible thing that can go wrong. Some people call this anxiety…others who are unmedicated Gen Xers like me call that an active imagination (because that’s what were told as children constantly)

So for starters I have this thing on every trip that I need to see how old the pilot is…they should definitely be older than my son and preferably the same age as my husband. I think we now call that “experienced” pilots not old.

I also freak about missing my plane and not being able to go to London…all this planning and money saved and everything just gone to waste.

I then have tension about being robbed or having my cell phone stolen…and then what would we do?

I have a fear of not being able to have ice forgetting to not flush toilet paper, paying for the potties, making sure I don’t offend anyone because I’m American and say something I so don’t mean. Making sure I’m on the correct side of the train….and being able to not get sick from the food or the plane or people….and last but not least….coffee….I desperately need it…and several times a day.

This is what plagues me….always worried about the “what ifs” instead of just going along with the trip….enjoying the time….the experience. Embracing the culture…laughing at our mistakes and learning what it’s like to take a moment to be away from the daily grind. To actually embrace something from our normal reality.

How do you become the person that enjoys every part of life? The planning, the packing, the travel to destination person and the destination itself and all the things that go wrong, but also all the things that go right.

How do you embrace the good the bad and the ugly and still come out saying how beautiful life is.

I love my house….I love my garden and my dog and my cat….I love when my children and their significant others come home. I love sitting and drinking coffee in the morning with my husband and drink coffee. If it was up to me I would do everything in my power to stay at home and never leave….but I also know that isn’t living.

I have been blessed to travel and see many things in this country and this world. Travel makes us understand different cultures, expand our horizons and learn about different histories. It makes me see the world differently, it helps me look at the world creatively. It shapes the way I decorate, the way I shop…the products I’m interested in. It helps my world expand.

What if I never visited Cozumel and never got to go snorkeling on a glass bottom boat…or have the best Italian food ever (yep in Mexico) or see the amazing Mayan ruins.

What if I never visited Antigua and had amazing coffee at a beautiful coffee plantation. Or roasted marshmallows in a vein of a volcano or had all the amazing food I had.

What if I never went to clown camp in Minnesota and forged the amazing friendships that I have or pushed myself to do something amazing?

What if I never figured out I liked camping or kayaking or hiking or fishing? What if I never did any of these things but stay at home in the comfort of the known and the practical.

What if I never pushed myself to play in church again or clown at local schools again or try new places to eat and visit? What if we all did what was “safe.”

What if I never decided to open a booth at an antique store…or make soap or learn how to can or garden or needlepoint or do embroidery?

What would life be if we pushed ourselves each year to do something amazing? Something new…something uncomfortable….what if we quit being paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. I think I’m braver than I think I am…I’ve done hard things.

I’ve sat in a hospital room where a doctor just told me my husband just died….and I didn’t understand the words he was saying.

I’ve dealt with cancer and surgery and radiation and dreaming of the day when I can be done with this horrible drug called tamoxifen which I hate from every part of my being.

I’ve watched my parents disappear as dementia has taken them over and held their hands as they’ve laid dying. I’ve planned their funerals and delivered my Dad’s eulogy and the next week board a plane to go buy for the biggest buying show of the year…and on the flight home bawled silently as the plane went dark for the passengers to sleep. I have never welcomed the darkness more as I did on that flight home.

I’ve gone through bags of clothing to get my Mothers funeral clothes that the nursing home decided to throw in a bag not even a whole day after she passed and I’m bawling and alone as I’m trying to find her clothing.

I’ve sat on a driveway at 3 in the morning crying because my Mom just passed and I found out by a voicemail left for me by the funeral home.

I’ve known sadness, I’ve known betrayal and anger. I’ve been lied about, I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been mistreated….bit each time I have gotten back up….I refuse to just give in and give up.

The one thing I haven’t done is truly embrace the good. I accept good but expect bad…I’m never surprised by bad things because I always am waiting for the left shoe to drop…

That isn’t how we are to live….I am trying….I will keep trying….

Count your blessings name them one by one. Count your many blessings see what God has done.

So here we go!

This week has been busy as we have hit some estate sales and thrift store finds as I’m trying to get my booth ready for the holidays and before we go out of the country.

I still keep pinching myself…..I do not believe it is real until we get there!

I was able to play in church this past weekend. It was soo good. It had been two years exactly since I have played and my fingers felt good touching the keyboard once again!

Im headed to the pumpkin patch this Thursday to get pumpkins and Milo. I won’t be able to buy any mums because they will be dead when I get home. I have fake ones right now and they will have to do.

My front porch is looking good I think!

We went to see Ellie this past weekend she is doing well and we are grateful!

Right now thrifting and my booth are giving me life and planning this trip.

Mira keeps me smiling….

I started some apple butter this week….my Moms recipe and that just about did me in.

There is such an odd feeling in learning reality. I strongly feel that we are not able to accept the finality of death all at once. I believe these little “moments” are the “healing” that takes place as we grieve our loved ones. I am still not over my Dad’s death and I don’t even think I have begun to feel the enormity of my Mothers.

I am completely and totally alone. The house I could run to when trouble came no longer exists…I can no longer knock on that door…I can no longer enter. I can hear the bullfrogs at night at the pond while I tried to fall asleep…troubled by whatever teenage angst wrecked my heart. I can smell the fresh air…I can hear the neighbors….we knew everyone’s name…and I wish I would have known at the time how precious those moments were.

The smell of coffee every morning and the perk of the coffee pot…right on time…every morning. The hard knock on the door as my Dad would wake me up (because I asked him to make sure I was up) and I would give anything to have him knock on my door again. I would give anything to have my Mother yell my name….

I am alone….but now I must forge ahead without them….raise my children and be grateful that I have the memories, the moments, the smells….but coffee and bullfrogs in the country air…will always make me smile….and apple butter will make me cry…for awhile…

Until that one glorious day!

We should laugh as much as we cry and this weekend it was time to laugh.

I was her co pilot and we worked together pretty well….we did have a few bumps but we did make it!

We decorated and had so much fun!

Next day was wedding day! And we had some clown surprises!

We enjoyed signature drinks!

I then was able to give Charlotte this needlepoint I had worked in for several months. After my Mom died I needed some happy thoughts and this was a balm to my soul to be able to work in for her!

I hope she knows how much she is loved.

I then was taken to a few treasures in Texas…

It was a lovely weekend….and I am grateful for all the laughter!

Friday felt like forever….but finally it was time to go home.

Saturday morning I woke up early to get to am Estate sale first thing…and then I went to three different thrift stores.

It was a successful trip!

I found some things for my booth and for my home and today went to another sale at the overpriced thrift store that was actually having a sale who h in turn made their prices somewhat affordable.

We went to friends and family for dinner two nights which was nice….everyone asks about my Mother….but I just don’t want to talk about it.

I feel it’s too soon…I need to just open up that hurt in my heart only a little each day…if I open too much I can’t breathe…I can’t quit crying….so for now…I stuff it full of busy things….good things but busy.

My newest needlepoint project….

My sweet kitty Mira who has a cold and I’m taking her to the vet tomorrow. I am so very thankful for her.

I finally went back to my garden today. I pulled some weeds and picked some melons I’m growing…that felt very amazing to have grown a cantaloupe.

Saw the biggest spider ever living in my garden…

I also found this fun pot for one of my plants that I received from our neighbor in memory of Mom.

Right now I’m decorating for fall and Halloween and I’m having troubles…it’s hard for me to be able to concentrate….nothing looks right to me…

I will try again tomorrow. Back at work for a few days before I head to Texas for a wedding and some much needed laughter.

For now, we will just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

Today I had an early meeting at our church where they wanted to get to know me and have me play keyboard to see if this is something that I would be interested in doing. I had debated it for awhile and the timing just never felt right…until now.

It was a lovely conversation and I enjoyed playing. One of the songs she chose was “the Goodness of God” that song was played on my mother’s video and it brought a smile and at the same time tears to my soul.

Sweet people have asked how I am doing all day today…:

I first went to my favorite place for a fall drink today and enjoyed my sweet pumpkin they put on top. That made me smile.

I then went to my booth to rearrange and add some things, found a cute picture with a clown on it for my office and possible fun thing to display for Halloween. that made me smile.

Went to hobby lobby and Jamie’s secret garden where I met amazing sales staff that were super sweet….and then I went home to clean. I haven’t had a chance to put my house back together since the funeral. Beautiful flowers that people sent all around my house are dying…and bedrooms just had to be put back together.

Then I had a hair appointment and I still did not cry but I got very close…::

Grief I have found, is like a heavy coat on a 93 degree day in August. I feel that I can take on the day with no issues….and then all the sudden that heaviness of that winter coat just weighs you down. Grief is an actual physical pain…you have to acknowledge it…you have to walk it…you have to feel it.

I make myself do hard hard things….like I went through her belongings and decided to leave them in the suitcases for now….and I can’t bring myself to go through her blankets yet….but I did go to the graveside and was very grateful for the way they had placed the flowers on her grave.

Believe it or not this picture made me give myself a little hug at the graveside. I love the heart flowers where they put them…it was like my sister and I were saying our last goodbyes to our Mom. I couldn’t help but smile.

I drove away from the graveside ready to go to the nursing home to check on Mom….fully then realizing that I no longer needed to go there. Life….boy, have you changed.

I struggle to hear their voices in my head…my mother’s voice changed last year…I don’t understand why but I’m sure it has to do with lung capacity. I struggle to remember their hugs…

My garden I have neglected…what gave me great joy…just now reminds me of my Mother and I am overwhelmed by weeds and tomatoes that need to be picked but I am excited about the cantaloupe that I’m growing! Truly!

My booth has been a wonderful distraction…and for that I’m grateful

I received this necklace yesterday, it’s a picture of my Mother and I and has her fingerprint. I wear it everyday.

Until that one glorious day.

The night before my Mom died I got this amazing idea to open a booth. I love love to thrift. So I messaged an antique store where I live in town…and they had just opened up their basement for new vendors and I was soo excited!!!

So I signed up and had plans to move in and get to work….but life happens…and plans change…and disasters happen like your Mother heading to heaven without checking with you first.

So, today, I finally got to start sitting up my booth!

I did one haul and tomorrow I have a big one. At this point I’m looking for shelving….but today was a good start!

My love of thrifting has been going on for well over a year and this booth helps feed their that creativity in a thoughtful way. It is also the best thing I can do right now….stay busy!

If I do not stay very busy I will definitely become quite depressed…. My garden right now seems to make me sad as well….I will keep trying.

So thankful for this opportunity, will share more once it’s all set up!

The few hours after my Mother had passed, the first thing I did was get sick….then it felt like I had the flu for about three days. I went to work and was able to get through but I just would collapse at night.

I thought after her funeral I would start to get my legs under me….but a few days this week I felt better (except for crying at anything at anytime) then yesterday and today I have had a horrible headache and just totally achy.

Tomorrow I have several distractions and I think that’s good. This week requires me to get my antique booth up and get my house and store decorated for fall. I am grateful for these distractions.

When you lose your parents a year after the other the emptiness is hard to explain….but the fact that we were all cheated because of dementia became a much harder pill to swallow.

I am thankful that I no longer have to walk into a the nursing home and hear my Mom screaming for me to help her….but I also know that wasn’t her…not really.

It became hard when the nurses had to remind her who I was…

The first person that greeted me when I came into this world is gone. The woman who helped me walk and eat…and introduced me to berries and let me have my own goat and dogs and puppies and cats and taught me how to take care of them…is gone. The people who knew me best…who watched me grow and marry and have children and knew every single part of me….and I am alone.

How do you come back from that? Yes I will see them in heaven but what about the years that were robbed of me that I could have had with them? What about the Time I missed out on….

How many times will our family get together now that our parents are gone?

What becomes of all of us?

Do we all become wrapped up in our own families? Do we all just get together every other year? I can hear dad’s words in my ears “always love each other.”

Feelings after my parents have passed are raw….

I’m working on not holding grudges, not being upset when I have had to do things alone…..

I wonder what it would be like to just not do it…rely on someone else? I am my father’s daughter….I will see it to the end….and I have.

My job is complete….I feel I ran the race well….but everything imaginable has changed. I have visited and looked after my parents for so long I don’t know how to not do this? How do I just go on?

I am thankful for warm kitties who for now, heal my soul….and give me comfort.

I like to think that God orchestrated me getting her at just the right time.

So tomorrow we begin a new way of life….and we will just keep putting one foot in front of the other….

We laid our Mother to rest yesterday. The tears flowed as we watched videos of our parents and that the legacy is gone. The man with all the answers tried to prepare us for this but we were unprepared for dementia.

Three years ago we had to take matters into our own hands…and I wish those things on no one.

Having your Dad cry as you leave is a pain unimaginable. Having your Mom call you around 18 times in one hour to go and get your Dad out of the nursing home was something that I can’t describe. My parents had never been apart and my Mother felt she could care for my Dad and she could not. He would be out wandering the streets…we are so grateful that God watched over him.

My Mother joined him at the nursing home and for awhile we thought we would be in smoother waters, but Dad declined. He didn’t eat much and got an infection and two days before my birthday, he went to heaven after lasting seven days. He went only after I promised him I would take care of Mom (and I hope he was pleased.)

We then decided moving Mom closer to me was best. My sisters health was failing (where Mom and dad were) and it was too much for her to take care of. So, I moved mom to a wonderful facility here…which she instantly called a hell hole. It was anything but a hell hole…it is the nicest place here in town. She had wonderful nurses who loved her but in the beginning it was rough.

I would be called to the home because she refused to take her meds at night or go to bed. She would yell at the nurses for beds made badly (I grew up with that so I fully understand the wrath) she hated bunchy sheets. I would also be called to the home because mom was trying to break a patient named Larry out of his room (she thought it was Dad) and apparently started quite a drama for the evening nurses.

Later we brought hospice in to come alongside the nurses and we used them for bathing and changing and sitting with her and she enjoyed the minister…they would give me several weekly reports…as well as the regular nurses.

I set up people to also visit and we just figured it out as we went along. Mom sometimes called me her sister…then would recognize me and called me by my name.

Towards the end she yelled constantly and me holding her hand would help for a little. Meds changed…more sleep…and then one day with no warning….

She decided that she was done….she wanted to be with Dad. She was tired of being in pain…and she just took off for heaven without a second thought.

So here I am trying to understand what happened, and how things can change so fast.

I’m also mad because I should have been able to have more time. I should have been able to enjoy more conversations…I should have been able to tell her things…but we were all deprived of so many things. I never got to tell her I had cancer. I never got to tell her about gardening and ask her questions that I had. Nothing who it canning…or fishing.

She would regularly ask me to go get my Dad and ask me where he was. Several times during my visit she would ask why she hasn’t seen him…

Sometimes I would drive from the facility numb

Now…..I wish I could hear their voices…. I wish I could hug them…I wish I could sit with them one last time.

I know they are in heaven….I know I will see them again…but that feels like eternity. It feels so lonely. I feel so very alone.

I hope I did a good job Dad of watching over Mother.

So we become empty nesters for the first time, o learn how to be without any parents.

I know that is selfish of me…but I miss them…

Until that one glorious day.

If I had a word that described my Mother best….it would be the details.

From a very early age I learned how to set a proper table. Cloth napkins were best when nicely ironed.

Saturday nights were cause for hair washing and socks in the hair for my never ending straight hair to give it some curl. Dresses were ironed, shoes were polished and ribbons were laid out.

Easter always had the same Easter basket year after year. A Peter Rabbit chocolate bunny, robin eggs, jelly beans which I didn’t like and the candy eggs with white fluffy center. The Easter basket was always hidden in a new place, and we always had brand new dresses and socks, sometimes my sister and I matched…but as she grew older not so much.

Valentines Day was always a special table setting….we each got a card and some chocolates. Mom made a cheesecake and we had pretty felt hearts all decorated around the table.

Christmas was always a treat. We had a Christmas breakfast with a pretty candle and our Christmas breakfast presents were usually books or something like that. I found out later that Dad would always pick our oranges and apples and I wish I would have known that, I would have said thank you more.

My Mother kept a very pretty house. We learned early how to put a room together and how to decorate. How to vacuum and dust properly…and most importantly how to make a bed properly.

Her attention to detail flowed over into my piano playing. She couldn’t read music but she always pointed out the mistakes I had made. As a teenager I found this so irritating but now as an adult I understand what she was doing….and I’m a better keyboard player because of it.

My Mother was an excellent seamstress, a skill none of us girls except Kathie, were able to accomplish. She made bridesmaids dresses, and flower girl dresses, prom dresses and school dresses and my favorite dresses were the ones she made. I had dolls that she made and stuffed animals, some of those I still have to this day.

If my Mother would be raising children today , she would have been known as a “crunchy” Mom. She made us try goats milk which did not go over well with my dad nor my nieces and nephews. We had a goat each…my goat was named Heidi. We then switched to cows milk after all of us complained, and especially my Dad . I learned about scraping cream from the top, I learned this by getting in trouble for pouring the milk and cream in my cereal. When I did remember she would sometimes make me churn butter and then we would put it in a pretty butter mold.

She loved nature and camping…I remember how I would always make fun of how she took pictures of landscape and animals…and now when I reach to do the same…I get it.

She loved gardening and even though she tried…I didn’t have the love for it until older. I did enjoying running the tiller. She loved plants and we had lots of those. She dried flowers that she grew, she canned and she did freezer corn…to this day I am not a fan of corn. I just hated how sticky everything was.

She took me blackberry picking and gooseberry picking and raspberry picking…and I had to wear long sleeves so I didn’t scratch my arms. I loved this chore for the most part because I loved to eat the berries….but the jam Mom made was top tier.

There were special days when we would come home and I would open the fridge and Mom would put in fancy glass cups some jellos with fruit in it with whipping cream or even chocolate pudding….I absolutely loved our fancy dishes and how fun it was to eat out of them.

Summer was all about swimming in the pool and my job was getting the bugs off the pool…a job I did not like, nor did I do it well. Suntan lotion was never heard of…so on day two after a sunburn I would wear my dad’s white t shirt. We would play all day and only come in at night to watch the muppets and eat frozen yogurt…which was in fact….Andersen Erickson yogurt ….that we froze.

Every morning my Mother could be found in her spot reading her bible and praying …every Wednesday night she was at choir practice which felt like five ever and I would play with the other kids who found themselves in the same position. My Mother loved music and was adamant that we learn how to play an instrument since she never got to.

She was a tea drinker while my Dad was a coffee drinker. She taught my Ellie to get at least get two cups of tea out of each tea bag. This is a tradition my Ellie does to this day.

My Mother was raised during the depression. We saved every bit of food, every plastic bag and every piece of aluminum foil.

She taught me to go thrifting before it was cool and check name brands and to buy finer quality.

We learned how to stretch a dollar early and what was important to spend money on and what wasn’t.

My favorite thing to do in this life was to make my Mother laugh. she would sit downstairs and read our school paper and laugh and laugh when she would read my articles and I would do anything to hear that laugh again.

She was an amazing self taught artist…she was thrilled to hear that Ellianna was headed to art school….which today was her first day, and there is no doubt her skill comes from her grandmother.

My favorite memories would be when we would drive home from church. It was a long trip…about 45 minutes to home. Dad would be driving and Mom would start singing and I would be laying in the back windshield (back when seatbelts were not a requirement) and I would look at the stars and listen as my Dad would sing with us. My mother soprano my sister alto and I would just sing the melody…and Dad would join in wherever he felt like singing.

I would pay a million dollars to have that moment one more time…in our gray Buick driving down the road with our maroon velvet seats…and me without a care in this world.

Until that one glorious day.

We got her moved in!

Exactly two cars and three cartloads and another load within the next week and an Amazon order to the rescue and we will have her settled.

We needed to get some new merchandise…

The dorm rooms are very spacious. We were not sure we would have room for everything but I knew we would and we do…

Mark and I went to a fabulous hamburger joint with the best name…

Then we went across the street to a fabulous ice cream joint owned by the same owner…

Right now we are trying to find our new normal. I can’t seem to catch my breath. There is so much to do and my body is grieving all of life’s events right now and I am having a very hard time coping.

Today I finished up looking through pics….reminded of all the amazing dresses and stuffed animals and dolls my mom made me. I always thought that was just normal.

I had an amazing childhood…and now I feel desperate to remember it….

Grateful for the memories….until one glorious day.