The Reluctant Red Nose

Today I felt as if I was hit by a ton of bricks. I fell back asleep around 5:30 after nursing on a ginger beer since 3 am.

I thought I was handling the stress of everything so well, but today after I watered my poor parched flowers and went through the mail, I was completely done. I felt physically sick…like I had the flu.

I went through the garden…and it did make me smile….my dog knew my heart hurt so he stayed by me. I started crying in the shower and he joined right in…go grateful for animals.

My staff sent me these beautiful flowers ….

I of course cried as soon as I saw them.

I’m trying to do anything that will cause me to smile.

Tomorrow I have to go to the home to get mom’s clothes for burial and then go by the funeral home. 🏠

Right now if you asked me how I’m feeling I would say strange. The best way I can describe it is when I was around the age of seven, I woke up for school with my Dad telling us he had to take our mother to the hospital. I remember asking why and I believe it had something to do with hemorrhaging if I remember correctly but Dad knew I would have a hard time with that word so he just said “physical problems” so I practiced that word over and over again to tell my teachers and I remember being in the big bus and crying and just missing my Mom. There was a certain comfort with knowing she was at home waiting for me…and I hated hospitals. I remember feeling so very alone….and that is how I would describe how I feel right now…alone.

I was cheated from a real relationship with my Mother for awhile😘 dementia doesn’t play fair.

So, 2026 you were stacking up to be so much better than 2025…but losing my parents 16 months apart was not something I wanted on my bingo card this year

We will try again tomorrow

I woke up at 3 am feeling nauseous. That was probably the absolute longest trip from Colorado we had ever had. Four hours left of the trip we got the call that Mom was not long for this world. She had been fine the day before…visited with people….but my Mother….when she makes up her mind to go…she just does.

We finally got in around 7:30 and went straight to the nursing home. One of my sisters along with my nieces and nephew were there…we all said goodbye and told stories and I kissed my Mom on the forehead and told her I loved her and thanked her for being my Mom. Told her I would be back in the morning. The same sentence I said to my Dad in May of 2025.

We got home around 9:30 and unloaded the car and made our way to bed….and then at 3 I woke up….and I already knew before I looked at the phone that my Mom had passed.

Hospice tried to call me several times and then the funeral home. I don’t know why I turned my phone off…denial? I said I would be right back in the morning….

Daughters and mothers have complicated stories and I will not list all the complications of our relationship. My Mother was raised by a woman who had lots of secrets and issues with my Mother…and none of them ever made sense to me. My Mom did the best she could with what she knew. I hope someday when I pass my children will choose to focus on the good and not the bad of what I did.

My Mother loved art…our house was very well decorated. She taught all of us how to make a home. She taught us early how to properly make a bed and how to set a table. Cloth napkins and tablecloths always ironed. We were always well dressed and ironed and makeup was always to be blended and well applied. Hair and clothing when I became a teen was very much perfected….childhood not so much. You could tell that I was child number five.

My mother was an amazing artist and that is where my Ellie gets much of her talent. Mom was always so proud to hear that Ellie was going to art school.

Mom

Made holidays special and she was an amazing seamstress… one year she made me and the grandkids these dogs….

She made my clothes…my friends would always ask if Mom could make them dresses

She loved my children fiercely and always was concerned with their walk with the Lord.

I loved the outdoors because of my parents

Right now I feel lost….both of my parents are gone…and I am not sure how to feel.

I know they are finally together and happy. I know my Mothers mind is restored, her body is made new…and she hugged my Saviors neck and then held hands with my Dad as he showed her around. I have no doubt her reunion in heaven is nothing short of amazing….but wow…what a hole in my heart….

What a huge pain that fills my stomach…grief…and death…I absolutely hate you.

Our last hooray before we take Ellianna to school next week.

Stayed in a cute cabin with very sketchy neighbors

Cabin itself very cute and very clean…but no air….normally not a problem in Colorado unless it’s abnormal temps.

Bathroom set up for the shower was bizarre and I have even been to foreign countries and I could not begin to explain what this was.

We went to the top of Pikes Peak

Ellie took the Jr Ranger badge just for fun!

The next day was unusually hot so we waited until the late afternoon to visit Red Rock Canyon. We had already seen Garden of the Gods so this was a neat treat.

We then went on a hike with our niece who recently moved there with her husband who will be stationed there for a few years.

We then went to nearby Manatoui, and had some yummy beignets

Then we had a very yummy lunch….

Then we got some beautiful pottery from this lovely spot with local artists

Then headed back and stopped at a lovely coffee shop

We had a lovely time!

If I look at the last six years I realize the changes that life has handed me….not all bad….just constantly pivoting.

Around 2.5 years ago we left a church that we loved with people that were family and a time where I had the unique privilege of bringing our congregation to the throne of God through music. I loved the relationships with our band members…how we worked together to encourage one another…:the sense of family.

I was going through cancer treatments and serious vertigo, dealing with lymphedema and playing was healing..::truly healing

I have lots of feelings about things and how things were handled, not with me, but being in the background of how certain things were handled , and it left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

The role I felt was in a time when no one else would play….I spent hours each week because this was a whole different way of playing for me. I felt my church deserved my best and I worked very hard to bring it.

We now attend a new church….and while not perfect in any way, it has quite possibly saved our daughter and for that I am immensely grateful.

I now have been asked in my new church to do this role again….and I am torn. I feel that right now my life is in a way that I have had to learn to say no to things. That for me is hard. I am a people pleaser, I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. I feel the need for people to like me…and thankfully middle age is slowly taking that desire from me. The more I pray about it….the more the answer seems to be…not right now.

Since cancer I have not clowned….I allowed my heart and my body to heal…and my spirit as well. I have changed from my white face character….

To this….

I needed a change and I’m immensely grateful to my clown teachers that helped me with that.

I hope to soon be able to get back to Red Nose Readers in area schools.

Last year, as many of you know…my Dad passed away….and now my Mother is in a home and my duties have changed.

I also own a retail store and those duties are increasing….

I have a wonderful crew and am grateful for each and every one of them.

The biggest shift in our lives is for the first time in our married life, our daughter is off to college next week…and we will officially be empty nesters….

We have never been alone without children in our entire marriage….23 years…there was always a little.

Tomorrow we will be headed to the mountains to enjoy one last week together before we go our separate ways….

I am so proud of my daughter….but I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss her….that tears won’t be shed….that animals won’t be sad that their fave human is gone.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I was scared and sad but yet excited for the future. The big international trip we have coming up of things I’ve always wanted to see….

There is no doubt in my mind that those who can’t achieve change will not prosper…..the slow days of childhood are gone. The place where I grew up no longer exists…the place my children grew up no longer sounds the same. The crying of babies, the yelling of teens…the smell of adolescent boys….gone….only in our memories….

I like to think about the grand babies, the trips, the new life experiences and the amazing sidelines of watching your children achieve their dreams….all while you get to check things off your own list…

Let the tears fall with the curtain call of your children’s childhood….but let the beauty of independence and watching dreams come true right before your very eyes dry those tears. May you live in the excitement of the bird that you taught to soar…and watch and wait for all that they can accomplish because of you.

I’m here on the sideline….waiting and watching.

Wow! What a privilege

On my way home from the nursing home this evening, I just basically sat in silence. There are days I feel like I am unstoppable, I can even hear the fight song playing in my head….and other days (like today) I just want to pull into my parents driveway and see what’s for dinner. I want to hear my Dad mowing the lawn, I want to see mom making blackberry jam…I want to smell lemon pledge….but instead…I go to see Dad at the graveyard and I listen to my Mom yell a lot that she’s in pain.

Life was pretty easy…until it wasn’t. I have buried a husband at the age of 28 and raised my two year old. Remarried at 29 with my almost three year old…became a stepmother, learned how to run a business….made countless mistakes.

In recent years I have fought breast cancer and won…and taken care of my parents…and I have to tell you…every day I feel as if I may just lose it.

I literally live in two different worlds. The world of nursing homes and sadness and confusion and watching your parents just fade away of who they were. Their former selves just wasting away….

I then have to keep a happy disposition for my staff and my customers. Meanwhile my adult children are flying away and while I feel blessed….I feel this amazing sadness that I sometimes wear like a heavy coat. It just sits heavy on my shoulders…makes my heart hurt and I just want to run…but where?

I throw myself into activity after activity hoping that will help…but I guess that alone in the world feeling isn’t going to leave anytime soon.

My Dad fixed everything….always. He had a solution to most problems. He loved me fiercely and I hope he is proud of my promise that I made to him that I would take care of my Mom….but other days….I just want to talk to him as I stand on the fence post petting the horses and watching the sun set. My sunburn from my swimming pool days still showing nice and red….I want to put my hand in my Dads hands and see it get swallowed up like it did when I was little. I want to hear the cicadas and smell the hay in the barn…

That vision, that picture only exists in my mind…forever kept safe….

Someday this life will be over…and we shall meet on that beautiful shore.

Until then….I will keep pushing….even though some days I just can’t.

I must continue to find the joy…count the blessings….be thankful for the gift of life.

This week I’ve been trying to remember that….here is a Sample of the week.

Always keep going…never stop!

I know that title is not the best…but as I sit here I am just in absolute shock of where we are….

Just when you get used to your life routine…it all changes…and if you are like me…you ♥️ a routine…you thrive with a routine…but life changes. We learn from the changes which in turn makes us amazing people.

So let me catch you up with what’s been going on the last month.

A lot of things with gardening and thrifting….

I made some red onion pickle relish with my own red onions!

It’s actually amazing!

Made some sweet pepper jelly with my peppers and jalapeño….it is soo good!

Then I decided to try my hand at Rosemary salt which was fresh from my garden and the smell was incredible!

My berries aren’t producing yet so I cheated and got blackberries and raspberries from the store…but the taste takes me back! Childhood dreams and so great on vanilla ice cream!

I also made salsa from tomatoes in my garden!

I also finished up my needlepoint projects!

I also finished my first paint by number in 50 years….

Made some soap which I haven’t done in a very long time.

Rainbow sherbert soap

I also have a new kitten coming on August 17th…her name will be Mira

I canNOT wait!

Many ask me how I get all I get done…accomplished. I’ve been asked…do you ever sleep? I do…but these tasks help my sanity.

For instance I’ve had a hole in the side of my house where a door should’ve been because this particular incompetent store put the door handle on the wrong side….

We were supposed to be in Kentucky for a jewelry show and then….we had t half our staff gone for various reasons

So my husband being the amazing man he is decided to also redo my bathroom and closet floors and get a new toilet and shower in. Again, we were supposed to be gone so this project is inconvenient and messy but we are 90 percent there.

I went to visit my Mom today…she was not in the best of moods….the staff likes to call her spicy. she was supposed to be moved to another facility that can care for her but the air in that home went out so they can’t take her right now, so she will stay with the staff I ♥️for at least another month.

Store is doing well ….and for that I’m grateful…but my battles are quiet…behind the scenes no one knows what it’s like to have your Mom beg you to get your dad…

She shouts at me now…but then wants me to hold her hand….

This is why I stay busy….Hugs and prayers everyone! It’s tough out there right now! Keep on rocking!

My husband was out of town last week while my daughter was doing a Pre College lab at her school she will attend this fall and it was just me and Ozzie and the cat Pippin….and let’s just say…we got so much done!

First we were able to get the wallpaper done in the spare bedroom….

Did some work in the garden and touch up the pink on my bike from 1982

I also put my plate wall together!

I did a lot of purging and cleaning in the basement and my dresser and closet….

Here is the dresser complete in our bedroom….

Worked on needlepoint projects….

Went thrifting!

Then we went to pick up our girl.

As a parent I am amazed and so proud of watching my daughter reach her dreams. I wasn’t able to go to school to do what I wanted…I had to do a business degree….so to be able to watch my daughter be able to see her dream come true is an amazing place to be as a parent!

She is amazing and her animation project was soo good!!!

I keep telling myself….things will slow down and then….and I just realized…it’s not going to. Embrace each day…and find some routine that helps you be able to take each day as it comes…

There are changes in life…and sadness….but there is more joy than sadness. You just have to be aware enough to find it!

I am not sure what is wrong with me lately…I’m sure it has to do with perimenopause, but my patience is gone….

When it comes to tough…I am not the winner…but the more women I meet…the more I would say I’m coming in right at second place.

Life doesn’t stop for whiners but yet I’m constantly amazed at how spoiled some women are, and the absolute fighters that others are…and I would like to know what makes you who you are.

I can no longer say that it has to do with upbringing because I have four sisters raised by the same two people and not one of us is the same during a crisis.

When my father passed I did the entire funeral….alone. Picked the casket, put the music together ….all the things and even gave the eulogy. I helped my family who was struggling to say goodbye, walk up to the casket….I am the youngest…but that didn’t stop me. I picked the place where to lay Dad to rest….I had a sister in Switzerland and another taking care of Mom and two others that were not available so the responsibility was solely on me.

I drove myself to radiation after work every day….I played keyboard at church while suffering with vertigo. I ran a 5K with a broken leg. I’ve clowned at nursing homes for years…and have no trouble interacting with them all…I’ve taught my daughter the same…she’s even better with them than I am…

I had a lumpectomy and went to work the next week….never really got to rest because we own our own business….

My first husband passed and I was quite young and I had to do all the things for that funeral as well….and I guess that’s when you learn to do very hard things….

I got up each day because I had a two year old and I had to….through incredible pain and sorrow….I got up…

So when I hear women say they can’t make it through a small surgery or setback….I just wonder why that is.

We as women can do incredible things. I helped run a business, homeschooled two children, kept up a ridiculous schedule of two step children and all the fun that goes either way coparenting. Managed to keep the house clean and our bellies full…and still did a lot of volunteer work.

I hate not having the bed made…I cannot stand my kitchen counters having things on them that don’t belong or my kitchen table….

So, I am asking….women….have you read how hard our ancestors had it? How they had to clean and cook, couldn’t vote and would have babies in the field and keep going. Let’s talk about any of the world wars where women had to major join the workforce because the men were fighting….they saw horrible things and kept going.

We as women design amazing homes and spaces…

We nurture….we garden and needlepoint and make soap and gardens and create breathtaking things. We have amazing imaginations…and we do all this while making sure our kids remembered their lunches and homework and all the dogs and cats were fed….and I am still wondering…

What side of the fence are you on? Are you a fighter or a complainer?

Do you get going when it gets tough or do you put your big girl panties on?

I am a problem solver…I will think of a way out of disaster….always….

Be that kind of woman and teach your daughters the same….buck up buttercups we got crap to get done!

Today I was able to put my needlepoint together that I’ve been working on. I am sure this makes me sound like I am indeed 100 years old…but I cannot even tell you the calm my mind feels when I do it!

My garden is bursting and growing and I am thrilled!! The rain is getting old…flooding is starting to occur…we hope it stops soon.

I have several thrift trips I have taken the past two weeks as I’m starting my “Thriftmas” this year and I’ve never been more excited. Give me the quilts and brass candlesticks and copper mugs and just stop with the over produced and same as everyone else decor….I am over it. Get the thrift baskets and add my homemade jam and vanilla and homemade soaps…things my family and friends actually use!!!!

Today was interesting as always with my Mother. She somehow is now thinking that the retirement home is the doctors office….that my Dad is at home and I’m gonna take her there when we are done at the doctors office. She asked me if I brought dad….I told her yes. She asked me where he was….and I told her I didn’t know….that he was probably watching the rain…because that’s what he always loved to do as every Midwestern born person does. She seemed happy with that….and for a moment it gave me comfort thinking of my Dad watching the rain….but I know he isn’t….and I know he misses us…and he’s waiting for us…..

After that I told Mom I needed to check her plants…so I did and took a moment to miss my Dad and then I headed back to the lady sitting beside me holding her baby doll…the lady with her walker holding the picture of she and her husband and telling all of us about her husband. The other sweet lady who wanted a snack and forgot how to get to the kitchen and she was almost in tears because her mind was failing her….I hate dementia so much. One of the ladies likes my big red purse and I am going to try and find one for her when I go thrifting. She talks about it every single time.

Check on your friends with kids going off to college and parents that recently passed and their other parent is in the nursing home. We are hanging on by a thread.

That is why I garden and thrift and needlepoint and do embroidery….my feelings can’t be all bottled up….

Life is never easy….but whatever task we are given….we must see it through….to the bitter end….cone what may…

Find humor wherever you can….like my local coffee shop that made me a blue moon matcha…and yes, I laughed wayyyyuy to hard at this….it is indeed….a butt!

There is always laughter to heal your soul….and I am so grateful for it!

The nursing home calls almost daily….my Mother is confused and scared…she doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. She has never been alone and her mind is not her friend right now. I know that her body is failing almost as fast as her mind….I know how this ends and I don’t know how to feel.

My Mother and I have never been close . She was a perfectionist and I was constantly scrutinized and told that I looked wrong…my piano playing was wrong….lots of things I did wrong. My mother expected perfection in bed making, clean houses and ironed clothes. My makeup had to be blended perfectly and she had no patience for immodesty or dancing or going to the movies or pierced ears. . I know she thought it was best….I know she did it because she was scared.

My Grandmother was not the nicest of souls…and there are lots of stories of my mothers upbringing that actually make me quite angry.

As a child I would reach for her hand and she would push me away…I don’t have memories of being tucked in at night…I do have memories of my Mother attempting to pray with me beside my bed but I would always get into trouble because I would fall asleep. My Mother had a lot to say to God and I take after my Dad in the fact that when I’m tired….I have a hard time staying awake.

I never went without food or shelter. We lived in a very nice house with a pool and horses and goats and dogs and cats…I don’t look back at my childhood in a negative manner…my Dad always softened everything….i loved how he would throw me across the pool…I was flying…and it was fantastic.

Life with Mother really hit the hardest in high school. Everyday there was something I did wrong and strict household took on a new meaning.

So now when I go to visit her and she sees my tattoos and she says nothing and she rubs my face and talks about my soft skin and she tells me she loves me….I sit in confusion….I don’t understand.

My entire 52 years I have never had that said to me by her…she had never touched my cheek like that…and now I’m sitting here frustrated and if I’m being honest I am mad.

My father was taken from me by dementia and I feel cheated…then he died…and I miss him….I miss my Dad before dementia.

Now, I am aware that my Mother will not be long for this world…and again….I do not know how to feel…

I look at my daughter and from the moment she was born I have told her countless times how beautiful and talented and amazing she is. At 19 I still kiss and hug her everyday….she amazes me and I’m going to be so lost when she trots off to college. When she wAs a child I held her and read to her and kissed her constantly….she has always been my built in little friend.

How do I even begin to understand?

I was raised in the 80s….my mother never had to work….my Dad worked very hard at General Mills…and he provided a great life for us. My Mother stayed home and besides making dinner for us I’m not sure what she did. My sister and I cleaned the house on the weekends and in the summer we had the extra bonus of helping mom with garden chores…to this day….I cannot stand frozen corn.

The rest of our days in the summer we spent outside.:::rode bikes on gravel roads and go swimming and didn’t come home until dinner. We would touch electric fences….feed the horses sugar cubes and pet their soft noses…we found brand new kittens always…I was chased by ducks. We did drink out of hoses….learned to wait until the water got cool. I watched my sisters use sun reflective blankets and lather with baby oil. It was as if this was their full time job. I used sun in and was either sun burnt or mosquito bit. Loved finding turtles or frogs…was only allowed to keep for a few days…

Childhood was simple….learned to not wake my mother on Saturday morning when I watched tv…learned to sit so close to the tv and keep the sound down so she would not be mad I woke her up…got my own breakfast. I did get yelled at when we got new milk because I forgot to skim the top and all that cream would go in my cereal and let me tell you…it was yummy!

Sometimes I would have to churn butter….and then my Mom would put it in a lovely mold and we were fancy.

Microwaves were a wonderful new inventions We learned just how long to melt cheese for our nachos…and I lived on so many nachos and microwave popcorn I’m not sure how I even grew.

I learned to set a proper table, I learned that holidays were extremely important and how to wrap an amazing present. I got good at using starch and ironing my dresses….I got good at nodding my head and saying yes ma’am no ma’am .

So as I now go visit my Mother and it is always an adventure…I learn from this new Mother of mine….maybe this is who she always was but never felt free to share it and now that her mind is going she isn’t being held back anymore. Maybe I should just be grateful for it instead of analyzing it….maybe this is when I finally heal….