Author: jme71te

Today I was able to put my needlepoint together that I’ve been working on. I am sure this makes me sound like I am indeed 100 years old…but I cannot even tell you the calm my mind feels when I do it!

My garden is bursting and growing and I am thrilled!! The rain is getting old…flooding is starting to occur…we hope it stops soon.

I have several thrift trips I have taken the past two weeks as I’m starting my “Thriftmas” this year and I’ve never been more excited. Give me the quilts and brass candlesticks and copper mugs and just stop with the over produced and same as everyone else decor….I am over it. Get the thrift baskets and add my homemade jam and vanilla and homemade soaps…things my family and friends actually use!!!!

Today was interesting as always with my Mother. She somehow is now thinking that the retirement home is the doctors office….that my Dad is at home and I’m gonna take her there when we are done at the doctors office. She asked me if I brought dad….I told her yes. She asked me where he was….and I told her I didn’t know….that he was probably watching the rain…because that’s what he always loved to do as every Midwestern born person does. She seemed happy with that….and for a moment it gave me comfort thinking of my Dad watching the rain….but I know he isn’t….and I know he misses us…and he’s waiting for us…..

After that I told Mom I needed to check her plants…so I did and took a moment to miss my Dad and then I headed back to the lady sitting beside me holding her baby doll…the lady with her walker holding the picture of she and her husband and telling all of us about her husband. The other sweet lady who wanted a snack and forgot how to get to the kitchen and she was almost in tears because her mind was failing her….I hate dementia so much. One of the ladies likes my big red purse and I am going to try and find one for her when I go thrifting. She talks about it every single time.

Check on your friends with kids going off to college and parents that recently passed and their other parent is in the nursing home. We are hanging on by a thread.

That is why I garden and thrift and needlepoint and do embroidery….my feelings can’t be all bottled up….

Life is never easy….but whatever task we are given….we must see it through….to the bitter end….cone what may…

Find humor wherever you can….like my local coffee shop that made me a blue moon matcha…and yes, I laughed wayyyyuy to hard at this….it is indeed….a butt!

There is always laughter to heal your soul….and I am so grateful for it!

The nursing home calls almost daily….my Mother is confused and scared…she doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. She has never been alone and her mind is not her friend right now. I know that her body is failing almost as fast as her mind….I know how this ends and I don’t know how to feel.

My Mother and I have never been close . She was a perfectionist and I was constantly scrutinized and told that I looked wrong…my piano playing was wrong….lots of things I did wrong. My mother expected perfection in bed making, clean houses and ironed clothes. My makeup had to be blended perfectly and she had no patience for immodesty or dancing or going to the movies or pierced ears. . I know she thought it was best….I know she did it because she was scared.

My Grandmother was not the nicest of souls…and there are lots of stories of my mothers upbringing that actually make me quite angry.

As a child I would reach for her hand and she would push me away…I don’t have memories of being tucked in at night…I do have memories of my Mother attempting to pray with me beside my bed but I would always get into trouble because I would fall asleep. My Mother had a lot to say to God and I take after my Dad in the fact that when I’m tired….I have a hard time staying awake.

I never went without food or shelter. We lived in a very nice house with a pool and horses and goats and dogs and cats…I don’t look back at my childhood in a negative manner…my Dad always softened everything….i loved how he would throw me across the pool…I was flying…and it was fantastic.

Life with Mother really hit the hardest in high school. Everyday there was something I did wrong and strict household took on a new meaning.

So now when I go to visit her and she sees my tattoos and she says nothing and she rubs my face and talks about my soft skin and she tells me she loves me….I sit in confusion….I don’t understand.

My entire 52 years I have never had that said to me by her…she had never touched my cheek like that…and now I’m sitting here frustrated and if I’m being honest I am mad.

My father was taken from me by dementia and I feel cheated…then he died…and I miss him….I miss my Dad before dementia.

Now, I am aware that my Mother will not be long for this world…and again….I do not know how to feel…

I look at my daughter and from the moment she was born I have told her countless times how beautiful and talented and amazing she is. At 19 I still kiss and hug her everyday….she amazes me and I’m going to be so lost when she trots off to college. When she wAs a child I held her and read to her and kissed her constantly….she has always been my built in little friend.

How do I even begin to understand?

I was raised in the 80s….my mother never had to work….my Dad worked very hard at General Mills…and he provided a great life for us. My Mother stayed home and besides making dinner for us I’m not sure what she did. My sister and I cleaned the house on the weekends and in the summer we had the extra bonus of helping mom with garden chores…to this day….I cannot stand frozen corn.

The rest of our days in the summer we spent outside.:::rode bikes on gravel roads and go swimming and didn’t come home until dinner. We would touch electric fences….feed the horses sugar cubes and pet their soft noses…we found brand new kittens always…I was chased by ducks. We did drink out of hoses….learned to wait until the water got cool. I watched my sisters use sun reflective blankets and lather with baby oil. It was as if this was their full time job. I used sun in and was either sun burnt or mosquito bit. Loved finding turtles or frogs…was only allowed to keep for a few days…

Childhood was simple….learned to not wake my mother on Saturday morning when I watched tv…learned to sit so close to the tv and keep the sound down so she would not be mad I woke her up…got my own breakfast. I did get yelled at when we got new milk because I forgot to skim the top and all that cream would go in my cereal and let me tell you…it was yummy!

Sometimes I would have to churn butter….and then my Mom would put it in a lovely mold and we were fancy.

Microwaves were a wonderful new inventions We learned just how long to melt cheese for our nachos…and I lived on so many nachos and microwave popcorn I’m not sure how I even grew.

I learned to set a proper table, I learned that holidays were extremely important and how to wrap an amazing present. I got good at using starch and ironing my dresses….I got good at nodding my head and saying yes ma’am no ma’am .

So as I now go visit my Mother and it is always an adventure…I learn from this new Mother of mine….maybe this is who she always was but never felt free to share it and now that her mind is going she isn’t being held back anymore. Maybe I should just be grateful for it instead of analyzing it….maybe this is when I finally heal….

We are headed into this new phase of life….and I find my bones relaxing….my brain resting. For so many years my brain has gone in several directions as most parents do but in my case…I did homeschooling as well.

My duties include keeping a store running and keeping a house going and educating two children. Both of my homeschooled children have been accepted into colleges and one has graduated and is doing well in his adult job. Our youngest was accepted into a very prestigious art school where the acceptance rate is around 54 percent.

I have a dog who quite literally has special needs but I do love him so…he suffers from anxiety and being afraid of the wind. We recently rehomed one of our dogs who was not doing well in a multiple dog household…some dogs don’t share well and he was one of them. We are hoping to find another at the shelter that fits into our lifestyle a bit better…a calmer dog who wants to love on us and we on them.

Last week when we were on our business trip we missed our daughter so much because she usually travels with us and it was just weird. I had no one to go with me to the Hello Kitty Cafe….no one to marvel at the size of bubbles in my bathtub….my best gal pal is moving on to greener pastures and while I am so proud of her…my heart hurts and not having this built in friend of mine. Of course my husband and I are very close and we have worked hard to keep our relationship fresh and close….but I will never get him to get excited about my next embroidery or needlepoint project like my daughter. He doesn’t love our animals like we do..he doesn’t marvel at my home decor or thrift purchases and for that….i just need to be grateful for the time I had and realize that it was a beautiful time together….

This season of life is difficult to navigate with the passing of my Dad and the ongoing care of my Mother…..the importance of keeping up with my own health and the reluctance of not wanting to work out. There is the emotional toil of watching as my parents are getting ready for heaven and my children are getting ready to start life and we are stuck in the middle watching the end….and the beginning. Some days it seems way too much.

My garden brings me peace….my hobbies calm my soul and I try to be grateful as my heart learns a new way of life….

I find myself wanting more furry children….not understanding what to do with this need to care for things….

The cooking and the laundry are so easy now…the house seems picked up and when it isn’t you have no one else to blame…

And continuing my needlepoint infatuation

As soon as I figure this out….I am sure that the river of life will once again….change its course

Today I got the last of my tattoos. I had a skin cancer scar that needed covering

I also had the added complication of this needing to blend with my other tattoo….so I was skeptical since it was two different artists but I think he did fabulous!

I chose yellow roses because when I was 16 my Dad had 17 pink and yellow roses delivered to the school (one to grow on)

There is even a picture somewhere with me and my roses and my big braces smiling while holding them…he always loved yellow roses.

So, I thought what better way to remember him than have a permanent reminder….

I think it turned out fabulous!

When it’s all healed I will show it again…..

And guess what? My dahlias are starting to do their magic!

We are back from our work trip. The JCK Vegas show was the best it had ever been….there were so many fun activities to do….our hotel was quiet and beautiful and had fantastic security just the way I like it!

I had a huge bubble tub all to myself.

Every day we ate at a Dennys and we had the most amazing waitress Lilly…we saw her everyday! She was amazing!

We saw amazing things and the weather was actually not too bad!

Met a new box company and received a huge box of Chinese candy….so fun! They insisted on a photo together!

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We are bringing back some amazing pieces!

We hope to see this someday….hopefully it will be at the sphere next year. We simply ran out of time.

We really had a good time….Vegas was pleasant and actually fun this time…this was our 17th or 18th visit.

Some of our staff came too

So fun!

But I was so happy to see….

Who in the world decided to throw Mother’s Day in the mix of May needs to have their head examined. I feel just as stressed in May as I do in December….

Yesterday was a hard day and thankfully I knew myself well enough to know that being away was the best medicine….so we are at a Airbnb….my absolute fave one and we went thrifting….and dinner and of course reading and needlepoint.

The host was amazing…..gained some knowledge of the most amazing detergent I have ever smelled….so good my husband noticed.

She’s an amazing Gardner and she left me these….

I cannot wait!

We went thrifting which is not my husbands fave thing to do but I appreciate his love for me. I found some great things! Can’t wait to show you when I return home!

The next day we headed to BellaVista and went on a short hike

We then headed to Bentonville and I had some F 150 ice cream just like Sam Walton would have wanted.

My emotions have been strong and all over the place.

My daughter leaning the nest, my father being gone for a year, my mother not doing real great in the nursing home…and I just turned 52 as I write this…

My heart wants to cry….but also celebrate as we have good things in our future but I still don’t know how to process….my biggest hero is gone…and life will never be as sweet again.

I haven’t written in my blog in awhile, simply because I have had some very big feelings that I felt needed to be properly vetted before expressing.

There is a lot that has happened in the last three weeks so I will begin at the end and then go backwards….because I am weird and that feels right and the easiest to manage.

After work today I went to see my Mom and I got there around dinner time. I helped my Mom eat her dinner….she kept telling me to make sure my Dad had enough to eat…she keeps getting my Dad confused with a man named Jack who looks nothing like my Dad…but it seemed to calm her when I told her he was eating good and enjoying the food. she would kiss my hands and put her hand to my face….I don’t recall this happening to me as a child. She told me I always had soft skin…which is true…I have…my husband tells me the same. She got upset when I left…she always does….and I miss my Dad and wish he was here and I hate dementia so much.

Ellianna turned 19 yesterday…..and I cannot believe it…..

I have homeschooled since 2009 I believe…so around 17 years and this is the first time that I will not be buying new curriculum for the following year….final transcript was sent to her university….and my job is done….and it feels really weird. I’m sad for the days of school and learning and activities that are gone. However, I am also happy for her to be doing what she loves and the joy that she will feel as she chases her dreams.

Lastly, my husband and I will be empty nesters since the first time in our marriage and we are excited about it. We almost don’t know what to do with ourselves.

I will not miss the rat race….the lessons, the nagging, the sports, the instruments, the learning how to drive, the anxiety, the reading, the studying of one’s papers and grading….the drama of clothing and hair and makeup and all of the things because if I’m being completely honest….I am tired….

I am tired of all that comes with having adult children and school children, running a business and caring for aging parents, dealing with your parents death and dealing with cancer. I am just plain tired.

I am sure this makes me sound horrible. I love my children but I have trained them to enjoy their lives and to be independent. I want them to come home and I can spoil them but I also want them to want to go back to their homes and their lives that they have created.

I would like to start clowning again and volunteering besides just working at my business….I would like to garden and work on my health and read and embroider and needlepoint and all the granny things I can fit in in a day…..

I want to do things that feed my soul….because I still have so much to give and my tank is running on empty and I need to be refueled.

I did not cry when Ellie walked across the stage….I smiled….because she earned all the good things that have come her way….and I’m immensely grateful to call her my daughter….now let’s go watch and see what she does!

To say we are tired would be an understatement….for about two months we have worked and worked to get our yard and garden and house ready….and here are a few of our projects…..

Graduation was a beautiful day….we could have not asked for better..::

Truly a beautiful day…..

I am not sure if you’ve ever been a witness to watching your kids dreams come true but it is an amazing feeling.

Yesterday we went to my daughter’s college for a visit and a lab where she could visit all the classes she wanted and ask all the questions.

Since she was 10 this has been her dream…and I am just floored watching it all come true.

My heart is so filled…..

And I would like to introduce Pip….

We got him from the shelter…his name was propane….we obviously changed it…..

We are in ♥️♥️♥️♥️

We came in on Thursday night….and had a lovely dinner with our eldest and enjoyed a Dosa! If you haven’t had it…you must try one!

Friday we just kind of explored Bethesda

Saturdays we went to see the pandas!

We learned how to use the Metro…..

We went to a Nationals game

Got free hats!

Went to an amazing restaurant after

Had an amazing dinner at a place called Hot Pot! That was Friday night

Today we went to our fave coffee shop and will go back there later today….

Today we are just relaxing

Tonight we will go out to a lovely dinner

Have a lovely day!