How To Feel

The nursing home calls almost daily….my Mother is confused and scared…she doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. She has never been alone and her mind is not her friend right now. I know that her body is failing almost as fast as her mind….I know how this ends and I don’t know how to feel.

My Mother and I have never been close . She was a perfectionist and I was constantly scrutinized and told that I looked wrong…my piano playing was wrong….lots of things I did wrong. My mother expected perfection in bed making, clean houses and ironed clothes. My makeup had to be blended perfectly and she had no patience for immodesty or dancing or going to the movies or pierced ears. . I know she thought it was best….I know she did it because she was scared.

My Grandmother was not the nicest of souls…and there are lots of stories of my mothers upbringing that actually make me quite angry.

As a child I would reach for her hand and she would push me away…I don’t have memories of being tucked in at night…I do have memories of my Mother attempting to pray with me beside my bed but I would always get into trouble because I would fall asleep. My Mother had a lot to say to God and I take after my Dad in the fact that when I’m tired….I have a hard time staying awake.

I never went without food or shelter. We lived in a very nice house with a pool and horses and goats and dogs and cats…I don’t look back at my childhood in a negative manner…my Dad always softened everything….i loved how he would throw me across the pool…I was flying…and it was fantastic.

Life with Mother really hit the hardest in high school. Everyday there was something I did wrong and strict household took on a new meaning.

So now when I go to visit her and she sees my tattoos and she says nothing and she rubs my face and talks about my soft skin and she tells me she loves me….I sit in confusion….I don’t understand.

My entire 52 years I have never had that said to me by her…she had never touched my cheek like that…and now I’m sitting here frustrated and if I’m being honest I am mad.

My father was talen from me by dementia and I feel cheated…then he died…and I miss him….I miss my Dad before dementia.

Now, I am aware that my Mother will not be long for this world…and again….I do not know how to feel…

I look at my daughter and from the moment she was born I have told her countless times how beautiful and talented and amazing she is. At 19 I still kiss and hug her everyday….she amazes me and I’m going to be so lost when she trots off to college. When she wAs a child I held her and read to her and kissed her constantly….she has always been my built in little friend.

How do I even begin to understand?

I was raised in the 80s….my mother never had to work….my Dad worked very hard at General Mills…and he provided a great life for us. My Mother stayed home and besides making dinner for us I’m not sure what she did. My sister and I cleaned the house on the weekends and in the summer we had the extra bonus of helping mom with garden chores…to this day….I cannot stand frozen corn.

The rest of our days in the summer we spent outside.:::rode bikes on gravel roads and go swimming and didn’t come home until dinner. We would touch electric fences….feed the horses sugar cubes and pet their soft noses…we found brand new kittens always…I was chased by ducks. We did drink out of hoses….learned to wait until the water got cool. I watched my sisters use sun reflective blankets and lather with baby oil. It was as if this was their full time job. I used sun in and was either sun burnt or mosquito bit. Loved finding turtles or frogs…was only allowed to keep for a few days…

Childhood was simple….learned to not wake my mother on Saturday morning when I watched tv…learned to sit so close to the tv and keep the sound down so she would not be mad I woke her up…got my own breakfast. I did get yelled at when we got new milk because I forgot to skim the top and all that cream would go in my cereal and let me tell you…it was yummy!

Sometimes I would have to churn butter….snd then my Mom would put it in a lovely mold and we were fancy.

Microwaves were a wonderful new inventions We learned just how long to melt cheese for our nachos…and I lived on so many nachos and microwave popcorn I’m not sure how I even grew.

I learned to set a proper table, I learned that holidays were extremely important and how to wrap an amazing present. I got good at using starch and ironing my dresses….I got good at nodding my head and saying yes ma’am no ma’am .

So as I now go visit my Mother and it is always an adventure…I learn from this new Mother of mine….maybe this is who she always was but never felt free to share it and now that her mind is going she isn’t being held back anymore. Maybe I should just be grateful for it instead of analyzing it….maybe this is when I finally heal….