A New Chapter

I haven’t written in my blog in awhile, simply because I have had some very big feelings that I felt needed to be properly vetted before expressing.

There is a lot that has happened in the last three weeks so I will begin at the end and then go backwards….because I am weird and that feels right and the easiest to manage.

After work today I went to see my Mom and I got there around dinner time. I helped my Mom eat her dinner….she kept telling me to make sure my Dad had enough to eat…she keeps getting my Dad confused with a man named Jack who looks nothing like my Dad…but it seemed to calm her when I told her he was eating good and enjoying the food. she would kiss my hands and put her hand to my face….I don’t recall this happening to me as a child. She told me I always had soft skin…which is true…I have…my husband tells me the same. She got upset when I left…she always does….and I miss my Dad and wish he was here and I hate dementia so much.

Ellianna turned 19 yesterday…..and I cannot believe it…..

I have homeschooled since 2009 I believe…so around 17 years and this is the first time that I will not be buying new curriculum for the following year….final transcript was sent to her university….and my job is done….and it feels really weird. I’m sad for the days of school and learning and activities that are gone. However, I am also happy for her to be doing what she loves and the joy that she will feel as she chases her dreams.

Lastly, my husband and I will be empty nesters since the first time in our marriage and we are excited about it. We almost don’t know what to do with ourselves.

I will not miss the rat race….the lessons, the nagging, the sports, the instruments, the learning how to drive, the anxiety, the reading, the studying of one’s papers and grading….the drama of clothing and hair and makeup and all of the things because if I’m being completely honest….I am tired….

I am tired of all that comes with having adult children and school children, running a business and caring for aging parents, dealing with your parents death and dealing with cancer. I am just plain tired.

I am sure this makes me sound horrible. I love my children but I have trained them to enjoy their lives and to be independent. I want them to come home and I can spoil them but I also want them to want to go back to their homes and their lives that they have created.

I would like to start clowning again and volunteering besides just working at my business….I would like to garden and work on my health and read and embroider and needlepoint and all the granny things I can fit in in a day…..

I want to do things that feed my soul….because I still have so much to give and my tank is running on empty and I need to be refueled.

I did not cry when Ellie walked across the stage….I smiled….because she earned all the good things that have come her way….and I’m immensely grateful to call her my daughter….now let’s go watch and see what she does!