One More Day

I know what its like to be the one person in the room that no one wants to be.  I know what its like to cry at a funeral and pray you can keep it together for just a few more minutes.  I know what it is like to sit there and wonder how you can possibly raise your son by yourself….and this past weekend….it wasn’t me….it was one of my family members.

During these times everyone focuses on family….writes things that tell you to hold your family close.  We tell ourselves that we are going to do things differently….and we do…for a bit.  We think about what people would say at our own funerals….or if there will be anyone there? Will I die when I’m old….and just my kids will be there….because my friends and family went on before me? Will I die and there will be standing room only? Or when my time comes….will anyone remember anything about me? Will anyone be sad to see me gone? Will there be sighs of relief because I’m gone? Will the sun be shining? I think your day of departure from the earth….will be so ordinary. It always seems to be. I remember the day my first love left this earth.  It was a sunny day…it was in the evening.  He would always say that he didn’t want to wear a seatbelt because it would mess up his heavy starch shirt.  I would yell at him….and then when he left me and this whole world…he was wearing a polo shirt.  I’m sure I sounded insane (but they gave me a break since I was going through a trauma) as I laughed/cried/screamed at him that he was wearing a polo.  I’m sure when he thought he would leave this earth….it wouldn’t be that early.  I’m sure that he didn’t want to leave this earth with the mess that I had to clean up for him…but he did.

I’m sure that he didn’t think about our son who is graduating this May….and he won’t be there to see it. Instead, another man….who came in when he didn’t have to or need to…stepped up to the plate…and made us complete.  My husband now tells me that if he leaves this earth early that he wants me to find love again…..but I don’t want to.  If he leaves this earth first before I do….the last thing I want to do is find another heart to love.  We think the same (sometimes).  We are at the age of our marriage….that I know from across the room what he’s thinking.  I know what will set him off…he knows what makes me crazy.  I know his bad habits…and he knows mine.  He is my biggest cheerleader in the crazy ideas I have….and no one sends me off into the world feeling like I can conquer it more than him.

So, when I die….when you die….probably won’t be anything at all like we have imagined. That used to depress me….until I realized that the real excitement will be where no one on this earth will be able to see….its when I finally come home.  It’s finally when I stand before our Savior…..and all my tears will be wiped away one final time.  It’s where I hope to hear…”Well done, thy good and faithful servant.” It’s where I pray that I will have crowns to lay at His feet.

Everyone wants to be liked, applauded, congratulated and told that we are special….and some of us get that on earth….but most of us don’t….and won’t…..but as long as my Savior is happy with what I’ve done….that has to be enough.

I will leave you with these words….right the wrongs….settle the differences….and put down the phone. Be present in your life….your friends, the people around you.  Make your ministry count…make your children count, your husband.  Do the projects you’ve always wanted to do….say no to something else.  Don’t just do mundane things because you said you would…..make sure that all you do is for a purpose.  If it isn’t for a good purpose….get rid of it.  If it robs your joy and steals nothing but time….it isn’t good.  What do you do that makes other people happy? What are you contrition to the kingdom? If its mothering because you have young children….go mother.  If you have an empty nest…the possibilities are endless.  Want to get fit? Go do it! Want to run a race? Go train for it.  Want to be a clown? Well…..call me…..but you get the point! Go, do….take every minute of this life….and DO SOMETHING with it!

Fear is our biggest setback…..fear of failure…fear of laughter….fear of what will people say….

Fear after a tragedy can also completely paralyze you.  I fear every time that my son or husband drives that they will be taken from me just like my first husband was….but to understand and accept God’s will….and find peace in that….is the only way that I can possibly live.  Putting my life in His hands….is the only way that I have been able to move forward in this life.  As I write that, my heart jumps….because that is the scariest thing to write….I want to take it back….but I know that in taking that back….I will just be paranoid and fearful….all over again.

Go….live your best life….because you may just have one more day.