Restless

I am ready…..I have cried the tears of my senior boy….and I am ready.

I have talked to many of you and had this conversation in years past…and I confess I thought of you as heartless at the time…but now I can tell you….I understand.

The bird wants to fly…. and I need to let him. He wants to make his decisions and doesn’t want to listen to my immense wisdom. Oh, I wish in times like these that I always realize how I was at that age….how even when I look at my 29 year old self….I still hide my face in my hands. We as parents seem so sure of ourselves when we were younger….that we were so much smarter than we really are.

I look at pictures of young Moms with their boys….and I do miss those days….

However, I also get tired when I think of those days. How weary I was with his allergies and how he would throw up in the car and in the store anytime he had anything with the slightest hint of dairy.

How he never slept in…how he hated anything to touch his hands…..like bubbles….or play doh….just not his thing.

I look at him getting ready to make his way in the world, make mistakes, and make good decisions as well….and I’m ready. I’m ready for college to be the daily thing. I’m ready for graduation for high school to be here. I’m ready for him to make his way. I’m ready to purge his room and all his crap.

I’m ready to try new things….have more time with my last child….and do more things in my community. I’m ready to quit discussing majors and test scores and exams….and I’m ready for him to have to worry about all that….for the responsibility to be his and his alone.

Perhaps it’s different with girls….but I’m ready….ready.

What I didn’t expect to hit me was the person who was there for his birth but is not there for his next phase of life….and how that makes me sad. Not sad for me….sad for Trey. I’m sure that sounds heartless….but I’m at peace with Rons passing…and I believe that God’s plan is perfect….and even though I don’t understand it…I do accept it.

I wonder how my son is taking it….I know he will never say…but I wonder. Oh the demons of our past….will they ever be behind us?

I believe God has a sense of humor….the night before Ron died he sang the song at the church he was attending “I Can Only Imagine.” For 16 years my son and myself has approached that song with a love/hate relationship…..and now….they are making a movie of it. We simply cannot get away from this song.

I ask as you read this post you hear my heart….I am not saying that I don’t love my son….I will cry when he leaves. There is however, a time in every young mans life that he needs to spread his wings…he fights against your wisdom, no matter how small the suggestion. This does not make my son unusual….this makes him very normal.

If you are here in this place in your life that I am….you know what I am saying. It is normal for our babies to fly….and I refuse to clip his wings and make him stay….but I am ready and then I’m not ready. This phase of life is over…there is no do over. The book has been written so far. The mistakes I made are plentiful….but he was my first baby….and let’s be honest….the first baby none of us know what we are doing.

So, to the Moms who have kids graduating this May….I feel your tears, your joy, your sadness, your fear, your worry, your unrelenting nauseous feeling of whether they are safe or not….I feel it to…..but I also feel the joy of a new chapter….the time to relish with my husband and daughter….and the excitement of what is to come.

Save a tissue for me at graduation…..I’m sure I will need it!