When I go to Church

This past Sunday….I almost held my arms up in the air….almost….I get so frustrated with myself. For 23 years I was brought up in a church where tears were for sin and hands lifted were you asking if you could go to the restroom….they were not for praising Jesus….but I really wanted to raise them….because I FELT the need….I felt the spirit rising in me and I just wanted to tell Him. However, my fundamental Bible Baptist self….told myself that Jesus already knows everything and I didn’t need to raise my hands. 😔

However, as a parent….we know our kids love us ….but don’t we want them to show us? Not everyone feels the same way….for instance….to make me really happy…and when I’m feeling sad..the best thing for me to do is go out and put on a Clown nose and Clown….for my husband…….grab his guitar….for my son??? Eat chic fil a….it’s different with everyone.

We have been attending a church called Grace for a little over a year. It’s non denominational and has Baptist beliefs….but has a few others as well ( like they like to raise their hands a lot🙌🏻) and that makes me very happy.

You don’t see a lot of suits….but you do see them. You see jeans, and camo, and dressed up folks and dressed down folks….and weird folks like me.

You see people wearing hats, drinking coffee, wearing shorts….or leggings😳 (the ultimate sin). You see people using their Bible on their phone 😳🙄😜🙋🏼‍♀️ like me!!! And there are no hymnals 😳 like what???? Our “hymnal” is on the screen. You don’t hear the normal Baptist language that I had forgotten about until I was around it again….and I giggled to myself. I counted the word “blessing” about 10 times in a very short conversation….but I can adapt….I can squeeze that word right in with the best of them. I might have over done it by saying Praise Jesus and lifting my hands up (just kidding….I can’t even seem to do that in church!)

So…there I was….Sunday morning….praising Jesus….and wanting to lift my hands up….and up on the stage the music team has tattoos and wearing hats….and the judgmental side of me wanted to judge….but….I could see their genuine love for our Savior….and I became immediately blind to any hang-ups that I would have seen otherwise.

The problem with church…is that many of us can’t leave the hurts, the judgements, the bad memories (sometimes debilitating) out of our minds when we enter the house of God. We put on this cloak of armor….just try to say hi to me….not gonna happen!!!😔 Just try to make friends with me or compliment me and I will rip you apart….because….I have been wounded more harshly than you can imagine….and I will not let my guard down again!

I refuse to buy my daughter a denim skirt because my scars are so deep….I refuse to let her go to certain church camps because I’m afraid that she will be treated how I was…

I’m not defending it….I’m just stating where I’m coming from.

I was raised in the strictest environment you can imagine. Where knees and shoulders were almost as enticing as breasts. I was told how close I could sit by boys and no closer. Kissing was frowned upon and hand holding was close to having premarital sex. I was called into the office often…told I was a bad kid with a bad attitude. I was assigned friends….oh no….not because I needed friends….but because they were spies….yep! There was nothing to spy on they later reported to me…and most of them became my friend wondering what was wrong with the administration(yeah….me to).

I graduated from there….and very very very long and sad story….made it back. God never left me….never abandoned me….and I knew He was real. He wasn’t this character in the sky full of judgement and ready to “smite me”….He loves me so much He gave His life for me! I tell you this….because….no matter the people who treated you badly in His name…that isn’t what He’s about. That isn’t who He is….and I just want to lift my hands….in complete abandonment of fear and what others think of me….and finally….just finally….let it all go.