Mamma

My 11 year old called me this the other day.  She was telling me that she loved me…and I smiled.  How many times did I hear that in the last 17 years….and just thought….I would hear it forever.  Then….all the sudden, I didn’t anymore.

My 11 year old would put herself to sleep until age 5 making a whining hum that drove us all crazy on trips….and now…we miss it. You never know when the last time is you will hear something you didn’t think you needed a video of.

It seems that we figure out the babies routine…and then they become toddlers….figure how to have them go to the bathroom independently, and all the sudden they are doing division and multiplication.  Then they are going to sleep overs and organized sports that they are actually good at….and then they are driving…and then they are graduating from high school…..and then….then you are ready for them to go…because you know its never gonna be the same.

Lets be clear….I’m ready for my boy to go….and he’s ready to go….but lets also be clear….I miss his blonde hair and chubby hands…and dirty boy smell.  I miss when I had to help him open stuff, help him swing…fix his “boo boos” and hold his hand when we would take walks.  I miss how he hated bubbles in his bubblebath….how he spoke so clearly at such an early age.  How I taught him that the yellow light means go faster (what was I thinking!)  I miss how he thought my ideas were awesome…how Mom fixed everything…and how my hotdogs were the best ever.  I miss Tonka trucks and Bob the Builder.  I miss fun shaped pools every summer and dirt and sand and water meant summer.  I miss how bellies would be sticky from popsicles and watermelon…and I miss how he loved to swim.  I miss how he loved Toy Story and how he would water the sunflowers with rainboots and a Dark Vader cape and a coon skin cap.  I miss the excitement over Star Wars toys and Spider Man…how pizza was the best thing ever…and how his room didn’t smell.  How he didn’t tower over me….and I knew he was safe every night because he was sleeping in his bed.  How I drove him everywhere and how I unpacked clean clothes when he returned from camp.  I will miss each and every one of those things….but….there are also new memories to discover.

There will be college that helps him grow up….and no, I really don’t like it.  There will be heartbreak….there will be confusion….there will be reality.  The reality of having to do laundry and cook food….and all the things that “adulting” brings that all of us hate….where we all want to just be sent to our room and made to take a nap.

Just like the word Mamma is gone from our house (pretty much) and all the summer toys….and more toys….and more things are going away that used to mean that kids lived here….and here we sit…with more purging and more “adult” things….and I scratch my head…and say…can I just take a nap….I’m tired from it all….but if I nap….I will miss the rest. The word Mamma made me feel important, appreciated, revered and loved in some way….and I never missed it or noticed its absence….until she said it today…and i realized….its gone….I rarely hear it anymore.  How much more have I not noticed? How much more have I missed?

Today she swam in the pool with other girls….and she was the youngest….in age…but her body proves that she is no longer little.  She towers over girls who are at least three years older….and I watched her swim….no more pool floaties…..no more showing her how to swim under water….now she’s learning techniques to compete….and I just sat there…wondering…what have I missed….just today?  When is the last time she will call me  Mamma? When is the last time…I will hear that name….happy to say…I heard it today….but tomorrow….not promised.

What’s the words you long to never leave? Hold it tight…keep it close.