If this would have been a question for my 20 something self….the answer would be…feeling loved. Feeling loved by the man I was dating, feeling loved by my friends…feeling loved by people I was around.
Now….20 something years later…the answer is a bit more complicated. The things that give me joy now…are probably things that would have seemed like punishment during my college years. A quiet night at home…a nice nap, a clean house, fresh laundry….fresh laundry being put away….clean floors…fresh flowers….freshly made soap…a bed that is fresh and clean and made. A clean car, inside and out. My children when they succeed, when they accomplish their goals. No dirty dishes in the sink, my appliances all working at the same time. A nice day at our store….sales going well….employees doing well….husband happy. Money left over after bills are paid. A nice safety emergency fund…a fat retirement account….debts paid off…you all get the idea.
Today, I started making a list of things that I want to accomplish….and things that make me the happiest….I have one child left at home….and we homeschool….and the things that I want to do now….are not the goals that I had even ten years ago.
Ten years ago I had four children, some of those four, were teens, and I had a pre teen and a baby….survival of all of them was top priority….and I didn’t know what I looked like daily….but coffee was my bestie and so were track pants…and I wore them with all the gusto this Mamma could muster. Soccer, basketball….drama, dance…all of the things….and then….they were all done…teen drivers…more worry….and now…its down to one….and for the first time in a long time…its time to reconstruct how I want the rest of life to go.
As I grow older…so do my parents….so things I knew that I loved and treasured…would have to take a back seat. My charity groups that I enjoy visiting a lot….I just don’t have time for right now. Checking on my parents and making sure they are doing ok…has now taken over for that. My daughters education as she’s getting older, and different things that we can do…are now another top priority. What sports and hobbies will benefit her the best? What can I influence her the most with? Baking and cooking give me great joy…but doing it for three people is a whole lot different, than party of six.
My store now has asked more of me. More involvement as far as planning, decor, more education…more time there…more. Again, other things that used to bring me joy…have had to be rearranged.
Last but not least….me…..I’m not sure there are to many of us that want to take the time to take care of ourselves. My legs and feet hurt more than ever…I miss running….I haven’t run in over six years….and yoga is calling me…but I rarely listen….its time…its time to take back me…
Just because we are involved in good things….doesn’t mean they are the right things. For me, clowning gives me great joy…but I simply was becoming to exhausted to do it anymore….and it was showing…I wasn’t really doing a great job of it anymore….its time to take a backseat…show others how to do it…and sit in the shadows. I arranged our schedule for my daughter to be able to take the classes she most wanted….and drop the things that we just were not enjoying as much…(this did not include violin or math tutoring) those things are not going away 🙂
It did however, make me look at each class and activity she’s involved in and see if its something she really loves….something that I feel will give her support in who she is to become….and she is also aware that on those days that she has to work later and harder, because that’s the give and take of what we do. You decide….but work still has to get done…course work must be completed.
I know several parents that have their children involved in lots of after school activities….and I will only say….what do all those activities do for the enjoyment of your entire family….and your child? If there are only positive things that can be said…then there is nothing else to add….this is an extremely personal decision.
I just know that for me….I can’t live with constant running….there are seasons…that life is going to be busier…but we cannot perform at that level every day.
What do I love? I love blogging, learning new things about our industry, getting better at making soap. I love clowning, yoga, and running….and I love baking and cooking….and looking at this list….I cannot do all the things….I can only choose a few…so I’m choosing my family….and I’m choosing me….
With all the guilt that sentence brings me…I am….just because I’m leaving something behind that I love doesn’t mean that I cannot spread joy and laughter in another small way….it just means…that for now…for me to be a complete and whole and happy person…a little is gonna have to give.
Oh weary traveler….oh weary one that gives and gives and gives….its time to rest for a bit…I know who you are…I’ve walked beside a few of you….sometimes…we have nothing more to give for a season….its just a season….and its ok…to sit out a season…and drink in all the things that He wants us to learn, that we’ve been to busy to see….or hear…and drink it in….go ahead….rest…and be restored.
The Reluctant Red Nose 