Awards

I think all of us, if we are honest…need a little applause in life.

We need someone to say good job, way to go…and sometimes…we get it…but many times we don’t.

I like to think that I don’t need applause…that I’m perfectly content to do nice things for people in secret….that just knowing I’ve blessed people is enough. I confess…that sometimes I am able to accomplish this with great ease…but there are other wounds…that have dug such a deep hole in my heart that I am not sure I ever will recover.

Jesus promises to heal all wounds. He promises that all lies will be revealed, and the truth will be told…but He doesn’t promise this on this earth.

What do you do…when you have sacrificed, given money, given time, sweat, blood and tears…and your shown gratitude by those that lie about you…and then it’s even covered up deeper by people telling you that they don’t want to discus it…they don’t want to hear truth…only lies. That they want to follow those who have wronged you smiling and happy all the way…while you, who have done nothing wrong…except give up so many things to make a difference…and your reward? Your reward is people get to lie and talk about you in a deceitful manner.

What makes this lie even more unbearable? These are people who claim to love Jesus…that claim to read His scriptures…what do you do when that happens???

Well…you pray…and you pray and you pray. I believe this is the cross that God has asked my family to bear….and it will probably not end until I leave this world.

My children who have watched my husband and I struggle and serve…now want nothing to do with my Jesus because of those who spoil His name.

May I say to you….Jesus does not call them by name…He loathes what they do…and someday…the truth will be revealed. Someday, the lies will be exposed…someday He will judge.

What will happen if I store hatred in my heart like I feel right now? What will happen if I continue to let the hurt fester, the hole go deeper, the pain spread into hatred??? I and those closest to me will be the ones to feel it…not those that have caused pain…but those that walk beside me daily…

I could write books of all the wrongs and ultimate crap that has fallen on me from the wrongs of other people. There are days…I feel the light going out of me…the “can do” spirit…not so caring anymore…and I desperately want to close up and not feel anything…not go anywhere…not so anything. After all…what’s the point? My hard work is just contorted into ways that I never meant for them to be. Why work on new relationships? Someone else to deceive me after I’ve opened my heart? Someone else to spread lies about me?

I write here to say…I have no idea what the answer is…so for now…I’m being quiet…and I’m sitting still…waiting…waiting for some food to be shown…waiting for the hurts to heal…praying for the truth to come out.