Mean Girls

After the age of 12, I really thought that these days were behind me.  I find however, that they seem to be just a way of life…never ending….never trusting….and social media just makes us even nastier.

I was 12…and I was kicked out of the popular table at school….I can’t really remember why…probably I was obnoxious (which I’m sure there was some truth to that). I really wasn’t traumatized by it….and I’m still acquainted with all of those involved, because lets be honest….when we are 12….ALL of us are obnoxious.  Nevertheless, I do recall this…and  remember it to be quite embarrassing….and I do remember crying about it..(for just a little bit though).

I went to a private school, that was above all rules that you can even being to imagine….I laugh at my kids that think they have it so hard…they have NOOOOO idea of a ridiculous dress code or rules….until they realize that pretty much I wasn’t able to do anything that they do on a daily basis…no movies, no dancing, no knees showing, no music with a drum, or an electric guitar.  Rock music was of the devil and shoulders and knees were the fire that led us there….and movies….automatic dismissal if you ever got caught going to one.  So, clearly, not fitting in at this school, wasn’t the end of the world…since clearly….it was like a foreign country every day…and fitting in was something I didn’t ever want to do.

The fun didn’t end at just the private school….I was also forced to attend a private university….which actually….was very good for me.  It was far away from home…and the administration at this university didn’t hate me.  It really was a good experience for me…but certainly….not something that I want for either of my children.  The rules have relaxed much more now….but a little to late for me personally.

To say I have scars, would probably be an understatement.

I will say this to you reading this….my childhood was brought up in extreme…I say again….EXTREME legalism and fundamentalism.  I learned as a young adult…that this does NOT please God.  God is loving, full of grace and truth.  He is not interested in how long your skirts are, and if there is a electric guitar being played in your church.  He’s only interested in your heart…and how you feel about Him. He is the only reason that I have NOT lost my mind.

I can recall the many many times I was called to the principals office.  Called in because I was causing a disturbance during multiple classes (I talked a lot, had a great sense of humor that I lacked the discipline of being able to understand when is the time to keep it to myself.) My friends around me that were laughing, sometimes got into trouble….sometimes not.

Normally, I sat and talked with the principals wife…she would give me a stern talking to…and then back to class I went.  Other times, I would be called in, because they wanted to know whose “Sassy” magazine this was….I wasn’t allowed to have those magazines…and even though I knew that it was my best friends….I had no intention of telling on her. Later I found out, that I was given “fake friends” friends that I thought really cared about me….but later was told to me (by one of the fake friends) that they were “assigned” to me….to keep watch over me.  When they realized there wasn’t anything to report…and I was actually a good clean kid…that they actually liked…they decided to stay and be my friend.(wasn’t that nice of them). 🙂

I was given demerits for talking, chewing gum, being a distraction, disrespectful (I rolled my eyes). Asked them questions….ya know….horribly disappointing.  I didn’t have any boyfriends really (a few short disasters) but they still thought I was kissing every boy in sight…because I didn’t fit into their perfect mold.  I asked questions, (which meant bad attitude in their book). Even though I lived in a bigger house than most, I still wasn’t accepted, wasn’t good enough….ever.

I wish I could go back to the 12 year old girl….and tell her that she mattered.  I wish I could go back to her and tell her of her great qualities…and how that it didn’t matter what some of these people said.  I wish I could go back and encourage her to grab on to those teachers that saw her worth and hold on with all that she could.  Hold on to that teacher who gave you your love of writing.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you to sing.  Cling to the teacher that knew you were a talented piano player, and had a great voice for choir.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you in journalism and yearbook…and cheerleading….hold on with everything that you have.

I held on (not because of them…but because God had a perfect plan for me.) I knew many and know many..that couldn’t handle it…and have had great difficulty getting “over it” which is what so many have told us to do.  Just GET OVER IT! Well, lots of therapy….and I’m not OVER it…but I am past it…lets just say that.

Then, at my perfect college, where dreams float on roses…I met the love of my life.  He was a seminary student.  He wanted to be a youth pastor…and we fell MADLY in love.  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have him in my life.  We could talk for hours…he was my ROCK! Then, after I gave birth to our perfect son two years after we were married….my husband left me…high and dry….and I learned about mean girls once again.  Mean girls that saw my husband as a great opportunity….and did whatever they could to make me look bad…to paint me in the worst light…my highest crime being….I gave birth…and then went to work to support us.  I learned about mean girls at church….they would cling to their husbands (because since I couldn’t keep mine, I was surely coming for theirs).  I learned about mean girls at my husbands funeral (the girls that had caused our breakup of a marriage came to the funeral acting as if I was the one that shouldn’t be there) I learned about mean girls as they stood up at his memorial service declaring their love for him. I watched the pastors as they let them speak….and kept an eye on me (like I was going to get all “gangsta” up in here..(I don’t even know what that means)). I learned about mean girls who left red roses on his graveside….

I learned more about mean girls when I got remarried…and I just didn’t measure up. More so, when I had a successful business, a husband that loved me, and children that I adored. I learned about mean girls when I became heavily involved in church groups and bible studies….and learned quickly…that things don’t have to be true for people to believe it…it only matters the importance of the person telling the tale.

I have learned that the church is the scariest place for me….its where the mean girls live. Its where they like to smile at you….and sing on the stage….but they like to stab you in the back….tell whatever stories that they can…and everyone listens….because…of who they are.

Our churches are breaking down and being destroyed by women who are mean….who read the Bible and speak the words…but in their hearts they only desire to destroy….destroy anyone that seems to be more successful or more likable than them…it knows no bounds….it knows no denominations…it knows no end.

I attend a beautiful church, with a wonderful music program…and my daughter enjoys the childrens program….and that’s…..thats where I get off….I’m done riding the ride of “I will be your friend, and you can share your burdens…” because I know how that ride ends….it ends with me…being in pain..and people thinking things that are untrue about me….and frankly….I’m over it. Please know this…NO ONE in the new church that I belong to has ever hurt me….and I promise you….they never will….because the LAST place on the planet you will EVER find me…is a Ladies Bible Study, or Prayer group….or ministry of some sort.  Its not that they deserve this attitude….its that I refuse to do this again….its been forty four years….and I want to spend the next forty or fifty years…with absolutely NO MORE stabbing in the back. I’m completely done. Completely….done.

If you enjoy spreading gossip about people….can I just ask you why? Why does it bring you pleasure to cause others such great pain? Why do you find it so important to make yourself look so good that your only happy if your stomping on someone else? Why is it so important for you to be the one and only? Does the lying ever bother you? What’s it like to kill someones reputation that they have worked hard to obtain…just so you can feel better about yourself?

I am a clown….I enjoy it…it keeps me sane…and I like to go and visit the unfortunate and the lonely.  I am a business owner, and I have employees I care about.  I care about my customers…and I care about my community….and try to find as many ways as possible to make my community know how much I care about them.

I would love to be able to belong to a big group…where I felt safe to share my prayer requests, my hopes, my annoyances, my joys, my sorrows, my fears…but in my circle…that doesn’t exist…or perhaps it does, but I have just given up on trying to find those that do.

I write this, not in hopes of people saying to me…come join our tribe (because frankly, unless I’ve grown up with you….or you are one of the people I confide in now) that ship has sailed….and I’m really ok with it…but I just ask…when is it ever going to end? When are we that say Jesus name…going to start acting as He asked us to? When?