Lately, I’ve had a few people ask me advice about being a stepmom. First of all, may I say…I’m probably a good candidate for what NOT to do. Second, may I say that as a new stepmom…you should accept zero advice from those who have NEVER been one. This is a whole new ballgame…this is something that you have to live it to speak it…and no one can speak it besides those who have done it.
Now, let’s first get one thing out of the way…I am a stepmom by no fault of my own…my husband was a single dad by no fault of his own….so those that tell you divorce is wrong and shouldn’t be done…everyone who has had a divorce, or been the victim of one…understands this…believes this. If you want to throw stones at divorced people, or whatever you would like to do…this is not the blog post to do it at!!!
I married my husband when I was 29 years old. I had just buried a husband the year previous who I had been separated from, for over two years. I brought a getting ready to turn three year old boy to the mix…who was trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. My husband had been divorced for five years when we married and brought two girls 9 and 7 into the mix…and they were trying to figure out how I fit into this game that we all seemed to be forced in.
Here’s what NOT to do:
1. Move into a house that either spouse lived in…and merge your household together.
This just has bad idea written all over it. I came i to my husbands house…and since it was a bachelor pad…I came in with paint, and furniture from my house…while his went to the basement or was sold. The house the girls had lived in with him all this time, that they had helped decorate…I basically said…it’s not good enough and I’m changing everything!!!
2. We did home improvements in this house the first month of marriage.
We were turning a two bedroom house into a three bedroom house…with our master bed and bath being downstairs and nice and spacious….sounds like a great idea??? Oh, except the job was behind…and for the first month as a married couple…I’m sleeping in a bunk bed 😬😬😬😬.
3. I corrected the girls…
Bad Bad Bad Bad idea. The Dad should be in charge of discipline NOT the stepmom. I don’t care if the child is screaming at you…let the dad deal with it…not you. Don’t correct chores done badly, clothing, hair or makeup, cell phone…not finishing dinner. Room a mess…nothing. Don’t point it out to your husband…don’t wait for him to get home and have a list of things his children did that upset you…or was disrespectful….nothing…absolutely nothing. He will feel that he’s choosing between you and his daughters….and you don’t want him to ever feel that way.
4. Tell your birth child how your husbands children are disrespectful.
Talk about taking sides…It is difficult that the child that lives at the home full time has a different set of rules than the one that goes back and forth…but consistency is key. It’s hard to do because in our family, the visitation schedule was strange and sleepovers with friends couldn’t happen because of the time with one another was small..so synchronizing everyone’s schedule was difficult. Most important, if you want a family to blend, creating sides is the worst way to do it.
All the kids were invited to parties…and it was hard to get that coordinated and still let the parent have the time they were supposed to have…and normally…my husband was the one that lost.
5. Holidays—
Holidays just stink….some years you get lucky….and some years are just difficult.
Don’t ask your children what they got at the other house…don’t ask what they ate or details of who was there. If there was a boyfriend or girlfriend there. Don’t ask them why they are late. Or that “dinner was warm but now it’s not”…all because…of something they couldn’t control. We make the child or children feel that neither place is safe…everyone’s mad no matter what they do. They can’t win…they lose no matter what they do. Can you even imagine?
6. Vacations
Oh these were fun…getting to agree on when and how long…who would go first. Getting mad if you were late returning the kids (even though there were flight delays or accidents on the highway) making your joyous vacation a rush to get back when you said you would. I’m so glad those days are behind us and they are all grown. We now announce the vacation when it is and where and they come if they can or want to.
7. Birthdays
One year one of my stepdaughters had four birthday parties😱. I mean, there could be worse things right??? Seriously though…birthdays are hard…and due to their mother, we had to be very creative. She insisted she have the birthday parties for friends…and my husband got very creative…and I was so super supportive 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ (oh if only)
So what we did was invent the Fall Party. Where they invited their friends over and we dressed up…had great food and it was a time that they looked forward to each and every year. It also marks the time in my life where my youngest stepdaughter caused a change in me that was beyond life changing. I was known to be super stuffy, never dressing up…and I told them they could choose what I dressed up as…and the rest is history…they chose….
And I’ve never looked back since.
8. Socks and shoes and coats
Oh, if only I had money back for all the socks and shoes and coats that went missing. I finally just bought coats every winter on clearance for the following year…and bought socks every month. I never allowed dress shoes to go to their mothers, because we never would get them back….but it was so hard…beautiful dresses would return to me in ruins….and I had two choices…and I bet you can’t guess what I chose can you!!!!??? Stepmother….oh my gosh it’s irritating….but clothes can be replaced….but not their feelings…it’s not about the socks…or the coats…or the stupid shoes…and yes…you pay child support…but someday when they leave home…this will be the one thing that you ALL laugh about it….and it really is…we STILL to this day…laugh about it. Because there is someone somewhere with lots of socks and coats galore!!!!
My stepdaughters are grown…they come as they please. Holidays are still difficult as they are wanted in two different places. We try to make an effort to be easy going and let what happens happen…to be flexible..:easygoing…and learn how to warm food back up. My biggest prayer for myself in the past year…is to make them feel as comfortable as possible. To make my husband feel that he doesn’t have to choose.
Oh stepmom, my hardest moment was when my eldest stepdaughter crossed the stage with the highest honors at her college graduation. I was taping it so I could hear them announce her name with the honor, I had the huge lens taking her picture as she crossed the stage…and crying as she did…because I had watched her grow up from a nine year old to now and adult…and how hard she worked…and after…I took pictures of her with her Mom and Dad…and waited to be invited in…and it was so so hard…but the moment belonged to her parents. It belonged to the three of them…and that’s the hard part of being a step mom. You do a lot of work…you worry, you pray….but you will never receive the glory…ever. You have to be ok with that…you have to have people that you can scream that to (not your husband) he already had to deal with enough crazy. I have two people that I confide in…and sometimes scream my annoyances at…and they are great listeners…and you need that…but they hardly ever give advice…because they have never been in that situation. They simply just listen.
As a stepmother, you have a huge opportunity to be an amazing example…of either a nagging mean witch….or someone that promotes unity and peace and calm in a home that has already weathered the worst storm that a family can….divorce.
Oh ladies…learn from me….and realize…the only ones that can offer advice are the ones who have been there…New game, new rules…you can do it!!!
Go get it done!
The Reluctant Red Nose 