Here lately…I’ve been bothered by something…and I’ve remained silent…because that’s normally the best way for me to be….but there is this unrelenting burden that I just cannot seem to push down…it just keeps coming back…no matter how hard I try…some of this is review…some of it isn’t.
Many know how I grew up…in a very rigid, and strict environment. Many know that I went to a strict university, where that rigid environment continued….many know that I fell in love and was married to the man that I thought was my best friend….instead…I found out, he was very much into pornography…something he got into even more in college…and that he was having multiple affairs on me…I have been silent for many years on a few things…and now..:now I feel brave enough (or dumb enough to let it all out).
What many do not know….is that my first husband and myself were separated for over two years. We have a son together. That son is now 19….the very age these girls were that were involved with my husband. My husband was in a car accident where he was thrown from the car…and I was at the hospital when he died…he waited for me to say goodbye…and I let him go.
What many many do not know (and neither did I at the time) is the young lady having an affair with him was at the hospital, and the hospital was basically putting her needs over mine…letting her be with him in his last hours…even though I was sitting right outside the door. The local newspaper interviewed her, and how this affected her….I have never seen the article…just heard about it from friends.
The next evening, we were invited to a memorial service where my husband had been attending….and may I say this…we were not legally separated…or divorced…we were full on…married. The young ladies that had been in his life…were allowed to proclaim their love for him in front of the church, and me…in front of pastors, at a church…the very place that is supposed to revere marriage…I stood up and walked out..:I the wife, once again treated as if I’m the other woman.
His funeral was at my church, and I paid for it…well, I had to ask my dad to help me…since I had been raising a son by myself…my funds were not abundant. So, here comes these two girls…at my church, at my husbands funeral…came through the line…and thankfully…I was to tired to be myself. My friend tried to intervene, and asked them not to be there…asked my husbands family to not allow it…but they did….and there I sat..:what a happy family we all were.😡😡😡😡😡
I reached out later to the pastor of the church where my husband attended and asked why that was allowed…he told me to seek professional help.
I visited my husbands grave a lot that first year…and threw the roses from his lovers off his headstone…the headstone I paid for.
I eventually remarried…to an amazing man. One that loves me and adores me…we had another child together and he adopted my son. We have attended a few churches…and always the same results…women….are…mean.
I find myself tired…I say to myself…I will be quiet…won’t really say much…I will get involved and do things for the church…doesn’t matter…end result is the same…my good is now spoken as evil…my truths are turned into lies…my good deeds are now cast in a light I never understood…and I stand alone…confused…how can this be again?
I haven’t participated in helping in hardly any church activities since…I instead…go into the community….
Still…I hear murmurings…because women are mean. How dare we encourage people…how dare we say bravo to the lady that is succeeding. No one wants to be your cheerleader…they just want to push you down.
I have walked into rooms…and tried to carry on conversations, only to be ignored ….I’ve sat in services thinking if I try harder…and I just don’t care to try anymore.
My husband and I were sitting at a local restaurant. The bar was off to the side and over and over again, people would enter the room…and someone would say their name…and cheers would erupt. Can you even imagine if this is what would happen at church?
Instead…I can walk through the halls…where absolutely no one knows my name(they smile at me)….but no one knows me. I don’t know them either…so it’s the same both ways…I sit in my seat…listen as others greet each other…discuss the weather. I worship with them…take communion with them…and raise my hands in praise to the ONE who has made me whole. I leave the church and I go home…I have a handful of people that on occasion, I see at church…and say hello. My church is large…there are a lot of people who have come to this church with stories just like mine…it was never lost on me that the name of this church is…Grace. That word…grace…never spoken frequently where I was raised…but I embraced it fully after I realized that is what He wanted me to see.
I am broken…but not in this elaborate story of drugs and alcohol…a life led uncontrollably. No, I followed the rules…and then…even though I followed the rules…my life went out of control…then..when I thought that many would surround me in the name of Jesus…I found that I was alone…except a few people..that held out a hand to me…to keep me from drowning.
My support group is very small…and I rarely share my darkest fears to anyone…I no longer require a girl night out…nor do I care to tell you all my hurts and frustrations. I’m tired of things I have asked to be kept in secret are used against me…
I don’t want to do “secret sister” or girl campouts. I don’t want to come to Bible Study or craft night…..because it’s always a big group…and a few people always dominant it…then they start talking about their horrible husband or their ridiculous children…and I’m just tired.
I don’t want to hold your baby(Not because I don’t love them…I’m just tired in my soul) ……I assure you, I know this is horrible…but I just don’t have the strength…
To be honest, I would be all about the massage and quiet pedicure party….where wine was served (I would only drink three sips though because I can’t tolerate anymore). I’m all about fleece everything…and a facial would be heaven…again…quiet though. I find myself just wanting a big nap…no conversations, and I don’t want to fix any problems, or clean anything else. I don’t want to help you find something, give you and advil or help you find a tissue. I don’t want to answer questions about what I was supposed to remind you about…get yourself an Alexa. I…..AM…..OVER….IT….sincerely…ME
I have nothing else to prove, no one to impress….and I’m tired of explaining g myself.
We as women have drawn the lines in the sand…if your more successful than me…I’m not your friend. If you don’t agree with me…I’m not your friend. If your diamond is bigger….I am not your friend. If you vaccinate…or don’t vaccinate…I’m not your friend. I won’t cheer you on when you succeed…instead I will tell lies about you…because I want to shatter your reputation. No matter what good you do, I will always question your motive…and I will make sure that everyone else does to…
Are we really surprised that so many had just rather stay at home…I mean….why not???
Where are you from? Where do your kids go to school? Did you stay st home? Do you work? All of these things matter…and then none of these things do…
I know I need to get up and try again….but it’s warm here with my blanket…and it’s safe…and it’s where I want to stay!
The Reluctant Red Nose 