The first time I heard his heartbeat…I was alone….and started to cry. There was life inside of me….and I had created something amazing.
I didn’t drink caffeine, take medicine for headaches…followed the rules…delivered my perfect baby boy…and kissed his sweet cheeks…and life was never ever the same.
I hated being away from him…cried at work when I had to go back and be away…worried about him…went without.
I learned what it was like to sleep by a sweet little soul that had thrown up all night…learned what it was like to worry about his fever…and know that I was responsible for remembering how long ago I gave him meds. It was up to me to take him to the doctor, pay those bills…make sure he was clean…make sure he was fed….and make sure he had clothes and shoes…he was real..:wasn’t a doll.
I remember paying for preschool and daycare…car seats and snacks…and hair and nails…were never so unimportant. I remember getting him Bubble bath…in his favorite Woody the Cowboy character…and then watching him scream to “get the bubbles off”. He was the reason I went to work, the reason I didn’t give up…the reason I existed.
I now have gone through more children…more responsibilities…and I can say that the task has not grown easier…we as women…carry a lot.
I used to look forward to the weekends…but now…I feel…it’s a trap. Lots more work…lots more mess…just at warp speed.::and everyone seems to be having an awesome time…but me…so…I felt a change was in order.
When I get up in the morning…it usually goes a lot like every other mother on the planet, and my sarcastic running commentary while I drink coffee from the amazing magic bean can be overheard to go something like this:
“Aahhh toilet paper…I remain the only superhero who is able to conquer you…aka change the roll on this difficult apparatus.”
” let me feed the animals…before they all completely die!”
” oh dishes in the sink…how I’ve missed you!”
“Towels on the floor…why yes of course…these hard to use knobs all over the bathroom, are extremely difficult to place the towel on….since their hands must all be broken!”
” clothes on the floor! My favorite !”
“Dirty clothes by the hamper? Why yes…this makes sense.”
We’ve all been there.::by the time my coffee is half gone…I’ve become a muttering woman shouting to myself that if I died tomorrow…it would take them years to figure out how to do it right!”
I used to conquer my morning routine this way….and by the time we started school…I was barking at everyone…dog included. If you we’re not picking up after yourself…you were part of the problem…so keep on moving!
The problem was…my house was clean and tidy…..and everyone was miserable.
My house is still clean and tidy…but everyone is no longer miserable.
I changed my perspective…I put new rules in place…I looked at my role differently..:and some this will make you mad…and others…will probably agree with me.
I believe my job is to make my home a soft place to land. It should be filled with clean laundry and happy pets. Warm candlelight and EO scents. It should have good food, and clean floors, it should make you smile with things you read and how you feel. It should be your hug from the world…your safe haven. It should be a place of cozy, a place of beauty, of familiarity, of joy. It should be a place you dream about when your away from it…a place of smells that bring you immediately to the greatest security of your childhood.
With three of my children out of the home…I find that memories is what brings them back. Pictures of their childhood, favorites dishes that I made…favorite blankets..:favorite smells. They should have favorite pillows and comfy beds that they miss. There should be security in familiarity…where the cereal is, shower stuff, laundry room to wash their clothes…all of those things that give you that comfort.
After I started realizing that this is what makes your children return…makes them want to take a break and find refuge at home…I tried to change some things…don’t get me wrong…once your kids move out…they shouldn’t return…but I’m talking about vacations, summer breaks…etc.
I then realized, it should be a place that my husband can come and relax in…and that means…making some adjustments. I haven’t done this perfectly…but I’ve made some attempts. Your husband should feel that he lives there. That your house is not a museum and we don’t touch or use anything. You should find a place for his things that you both agree on…he should feel that he lives there. He will not understand your throw pillow formation…or the perfect indentation at the top of the pillow…do not even attempt to explain it. Also, when he makes the bed and he puts your no less than seven throw pillows at a strange and foreign to you pattern…and the throw blanket in a way that could never really be how you leave it…do NOT move it…even if it kills you…just walk away. Same goes for when he folds the laundry…..enjoy the fact that he helped and move on..:because if you have to redo all he just did…then get ready to do it that way for the rest of your life….alone…and tired.
I am not saying become a doormat…your children should help and learn responsibilities….but we have kids now who have never eaten dinner at the table with their families??? This must change! We cannot be too busy that we can’t do that! They don’t know how to do Laundry at college…or wash dishes or iron clothes…so please do not misunderstand what I am saying…I want to create a wonderful atmosphere for my family…but they must understand how that comes about…
I guarantee…my life is a lot more busy than my mother’s life was…my demands are great…but so are the demands of your children and spouse…and as the mom…it is our duty to make our home a soft place for everyone to land…including ourselves…what makes you happy? What Brings you joy?
This week…I’ve decided to go through all my fragrances that I already have for soapmaking and see how many different kinds of soap I can make. I’m trying to get as far as possible on my gem study…so that I can be done before a new school year starts. I want to bake and cook more with my daughter…travel more…expand my clowning…but what do I have to do to make all those things happen??? Constant adjusting of schedules…saying no…or yes…to things we don’t normally do…taking a day off when we haven’t in months…feeling the tightening of our throats because we have so many decisions and things to do we can’t possibly do…all of these things…
Sometimes…becoming selfish…is what really makes us unselfish…and is able to fill our tanks…right now for me it’s soapmaking…and teaching clown class…and clowning…and doing silly things for kids in our community…and it’s how I fill up my selfish meter…it’s how I give back to myself…so I can love on those that I live with…what say you? What do you do???
The Reluctant Red Nose 