Lately, I’ve been playing on my Pandora list…80s pop…which lately…have been given me just about all the “feels”. Growing up in a very strict environment…where this “rock music” was told to me and my friends…would cause a heart attack (due to the beat…or something like that….I wasn’t really listening 😬) you have no idea the sense of “danger and excitement” these songs would bring us. I listen to the lyrics today…and remember my young 16 year old self…driving home to Paula Abdul as she would sing “cold hearted Snake” I mean…how many young men had broken my heart by 16…such a long and sad list. I also started singing “Hungry Eyes” to my daughter…who is 11…and could not stop laughing…but to me…these were the best songs…and we love them so much…because they take us back to a time…when life was full of such promise, and excitement! If I would have known what life would have brought me…I still would have trudged in ahead…because the good has definitely outweighed the bad .
Oh, if I could just talk to my 16 year old self…so many things would I say. Stay true to your true friends….your true friends will never let you down….you can still talk to them when your 40…when everyone else around you seems to have something mean to say..this group of girls…they will be there for you.
I would tell myself to sing the solo in choir…don’t let the other girl have it. Try out for the play…don’t just work sound, because that’s all you think you can do. Just because the speech teacher doesn’t like you…ignore her…your better than she thinks you are. Also….go tear apart that piano solo…don’t be afraid to win….but that is not what I did…I let other people go ahead…I let other people win…I gave in…I gave up…I let go…because…not trying was easier…than not winning.
I would tell myself…those boys that broke my heart…they weren’t right for me…that the man for me was older…and lived over an hour away…and he wasn’t ready for me yet…and I wasn’t ready for him either.
I would tell myself that teachers and professors in college who told me that I wasn’t smart enough…were wrong…and I proved that to them at graduation. I would also tell myself that Jesus doesn’t judge us by our lofty prayers, or how self righteous and judgmental we can be of others…He looks at your heart…and I believe He held my hand all through high school and college…and even when I decided that living wasn’t really a thing I was for…and tried to slowly kill my self with an eating disorder…He still held my hand…and told me I was worthy.
Isn’t that what we all want to hear? That we are worthy…that we are worth it? That we matter? No one wants to hear that they are bad and horrible and have no way of changing…no one wants to hear that they are unloveable…that they are not worth loving.
Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Have you ever been told you were “just friends, and never should have married?” Have you ever been told that you were not good enough for your husband? That he chose another over you? Do you know what that does to you? It makes you feel empty…unworthy…and like trash. It makes you want to hide from the world…it makes you angry…and it hurts more than any hurt you can imagine. You have a stain on you that the whole world can see…that says…”I wasn’t good enough for my husband…after having me…he chose another.”
Do you know what it’s like to tell your almost three year old son that his Daddy died? That he’s not coming back? That you have to bury him? All of these things…they are written…in my past…and in the past…they will stay.
Do you know what it’s like…to sit before the throne of grace…and beg God to fix your completely broken life? Not that you broke it…it seems everyone you invested in…broke it for you…and your left with pieces…sharp pieces…that won’t fit into any puzzle…they just seem to grow more and more disorganized. In the beginning, we try to put it back together…but the more we try to glue it, the more we jumble it…and it just becomes a wet, sticky mess…that we cannot make any peace with it..or figure out any new paths to take.
The older I become…the more the puzzle makes sense. I can see where he saved my son and I from a horrible fate. I can see where the town, the man, the husband, the dad, the new family he gave me…gave me new life. I can see where I am now able to influence…and paths of those I meet…and the exciting adventures we go on.:.I see…I see, where it’s starting to make sense.
When I was 16…I believed in fairy tales…Prince Charming…coming to rescue me…and that’s not how it worked out…I had to rescue myself first…and then…everything started to change.
Fairy Tales do not exist…perfect men are not possible…and neither are perfect women.
Oh, if I could go back to 16….I would change relationships…I would get rid of the ones that were self serving…and hold onto the others…that were real and true. I would make amends to those that were sorry…and I would be more kind…less temperamental. I would pay attention in class more…ignore the administration that thought I was unworthy. I would not accept the lies from leaders telling me I was worthless…and ungodly. I would listen to all the rock music…wear the shorts, go to the movies, kiss my boyfriend…and go mixed swimming 🤦🏼♀️ I would go to more concerts and less time trying to please impossible people.
I would be friends with the people who are still close to me today…without making them wait ten years…to see if someone cooler comes along….but I can’t go back and change time…so for now…I do the things I wish I would have done years ago…I keep trying to make people…..
Smile….and laugh…and be inspired. I will rise to the challenge of Hospital clowning one day…I will be the best mother, wife, VP of our store, and best clown I can be. I will look past your exterior…and vow to be a person who judges by hearts ♥️.
May we all be better humans…and look at our fellowman as someone who we can make their lives better…instead of a waste of space…
The Reluctant Red Nose 