I recently picked up a book at the library that I have been dying to get my little hands on. As part of my frugal process I don’t let myself buy books anymore (unless it’s for work…or something that I really really want). The book is by one of my favorite authors Lysa Terkhurst…and she’s talking about disappointments. The name of the book is ” it’s not supposed to be this way.” If you are going through any hardships…I recommend you pick this book up immediately (unless you use our local library, then you have to wait until I’m done😬.)
Have you ever felt like you lived your life two ways: recovering from a difficult time, waiting for another difficult time to come…and that’s pretty much how you live?
I realized, that that is actually how I have been living for about 18 years. I wasn’t meaning to be that way…but as I reflect…that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.
When my first husband died when I was 28 and I had a toddler, I went into “survival mode”. When I remarried a little over a year later…I relaxed a little finally…but still…was not who I am today…I still very much was trying to understand the whys of what exactly happened…why I was where I was.
There are times that I feel that I am the victim of cleaning up other people’s mistakes, that I’m constantly the one that gets to enjoy the clean up of what someone else was supposed to take care of and didn’t. Like paying your custodian and then having to clean the yucky bathrooms. That’s me…I’m here to clean up your soap scum…never get to go to the party….just here with my dirty mop…and my beige uniform…waiting for the next mess. (I hate beige…it’s the worst color in the universe).
So, since I like word pictures and it helps my brain form thoughts that are helpful…let’s continue with this custodial job with my dirty mop and beige uniform…and that’s as good as my life is gonna get…just waiting for the messes..spend a lot of time waiting…alone.
I have an employee who retired…but every once in awhile she comes in to help us as we transition. This employee moves faster than those who are twice her age junior. She is constantly moving…constantly cleaning up the messes. She is always smiling, always thinking of others, remembers everyone’s birthday and special events. Never comes to your house empty handed. Everyone who meets her loves her. When she walks in, she’s a breath of fresh air. I hear my other employees literally say “hurrah, your here!” Her life isn’t easy…she has sad stories…..but you would never know it.
The difference between those two characters is amazing. They both clean up the messes, but boy doesn’t the other one have such a richer life…than the the one in the beige uniform and the dirty mop.
The phrase that stopped me in my tracks tonight as I read this book: “If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us.” 😳😱😱😱. So much truth.
For the last five years, I’ve endured some things that I should not have had to endure…and my choice of how to deal with them was to basically shut out all people. More specifically, “church people”. I felt that if I just went to a big enough church, sat in the back row…and slipped out of church each Sunday…that that would be good…and all would be well. However, we are NOT made to be alone. We are social beings. We need interaction with one another. So, my husband stuck his big toe out first…and I was so proud of him…I was perfectly happy with sitting on the back row and watching him play guitar on stage and say “awesome job!” High five.::see ya!!!
Five months ago, God burdened me and worked on me..and I reluctantly got out of my beige uniform with my dirty mop…and said ok…whatever you want me to do I will do…and I said it with all the stale emotion you can imagine..:but God has a sense of humor when it comes to me…me and He said “Great! I am opening up the floodgates for you to serve with your unique gift, and it’s gonna be great….because I’m going to introduce you to amazing people…and your going to do things like go on tv, and meet a ton of new people. Your going to get behind more cameras for your church, your going to go do more things than you ever thought possible.” And that’s what I did….and it was pretty amazing….and I was enjoying it…until…
Well, a little disappointment came along…and I decided to pack it up…..my beige uniform went back on…and I got my little mop back out. I cancelled almost all the things I was to do this month…but…I have friends that were not about going to let that happen..:so they prodded me….and like a mature person that I am…I basically sat on my dirty mop…and said…I like my beige uniform and you can’t make me change….but everyone that knows me….knows I can’t do that….so…here I go. I’m out of my beige uniform…..I’m back in my clown skin…ready for more adventures….wondering why I constantly do this dance.
We are made for so many great things in this life…we suffer in silence as we go through traumatic events. We never utter that our children are struggling…that our marriages are crumbling, that finances are difficult. We never tell each other we are scared…that we don’t know how this could end anyway but bad…and then….rainbows come out…God miracles happen.::but we can’t tell anyone, because we never told them what was going on in the first place…we wanted to be strong, and holy enough (like that’s even a thing!)
I can never go back to July 18, 1997, and tell my first husband all the things I wish I could say. I can never go back to August 23, 2003 and change the type of wife I was to my poor husband…I can’t change the stepmother I was, the mother I was, the boss, the clown, the soapmaker…nothing…but instead of getting caught up in that…I can walk through trials with trust that He will work it out…and that He loves me…and that it’s gonna make me a better person. I can choose to find the joy…instead of being paralyzed by the fear. I can find the new adventures, I can watch the miracles pile on..:and I can choose to live in a colorful clown suit…instead of a beige uniform with a dirty mop…and an Eye-ore mentality.
Which one do you think would be more fun? Gotta make some phone calls tomorrow…have a great one! Keep running your race!
The Reluctant Red Nose 