Mom Guilt

Tonight, I suffered from this in the worst way…and what was ironic about it…is she probably wouldn’t have let me do much with her anyway…but I have these grand ideas in my head…and then I fixate upon them.

For awhile, I have refused to clown at any church functions….not because I hate children….but mainly…because I would have a bad attitude by the time I was done…which wasn’t necessarily completely my fault.

Comments that people think are funny such as “clowns are scary” can set me off. It can immediately steal every bit of joy from me that I would have had. I know it’s a trigger…I recognize it as such…and I still fall under its spell….every….single….time.

I have people ask me why I’m a clown?can I go scare their friend?😱😳why is my makeup so weird? do I do birthday parties? Are my kids embarrassed by me? Is this my real job?

Tonight, the weather was beautiful. The crowd was insane…and I had a perfect steady line of delightful children, who said thank you and not one child cried.🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻.

As I stood there for one hour that went into two and then began to head to hour three…with my back and shoulders hurting…I had a serious case of “mom guilt”

I missed if my daughter was on a horse, or taking a hayride. Did she want to paint a pumpkin? Go over to the games and petting zoo? Did she help make the apple cider? Or play the games? Why didn’t she get her face painted? I missed all the pictures…all the things…

Then I looked around…listened to the music….saw all the people making all the things work so people could have a good time, so the bellies could be full…so everything could happen.

I imagined when we left…the amount of people doing the work to clean up…

I know that I didn’t get Instagram worthy photos of my child…and pretty much missed anything new she possibly did this evening…but I rested in the fact..she saw her Daddy play for worship Sunday morning…her Mom clown for the church functions, Sunday night…and helped her Mom along with her Dad as the sun was going down and people were patiently waiting for balloons…those are the memories that I want to leave with her.

There will always be Mom guilt…no matter what I do. Did I give her enough attention, too much attention…to much music, not enough sports…but…did she watch me serve other people….or sit on the sidelines…

Now understand me, there are times that then sidelines are where you should be, dear Momma…but most times they are not.

I would like to say that today I overcame when people said “scary clowns”. I was very upset about it…but I made myself go…and I’m glad I did.

I also enjoyed everyone knowing my clown name because if my new clown name tag…but my favorite was the llama

And the line that starting forming as soon as I took this picture…because all the littles saw me as a clown taking pictures of the llama…and not the Mom.

May I seek to be better…may I work to push through…May His name be praised above all the growing and complaining of my misshaped heart.