Dare to Lay It Down

By the time you get to middle age…you probably have a very long list of grievances.

If you were raised in the 80s like me…we grew up with no cell phones. There was no internet. There was only word processors in colleges (look it up). I did have a roommate with a computer…it took up a ton of room…but she let us borrow it sometimes. The four of us shared a phone that was connected to the wall and paid extra for call waiting. We had privacy as far as the cord would stretch (meaning, in our closet). We talked to our parents once a week. There was no Facebook and no instagram…we took pictures in a camera and had to wait to get the film developed like a bunch of savages.

I went to college twelve hours from home…I drove back with friends every year..:and we usually always got stopped by the police (due to being too tired to drive) the policeman always told us to switch up drivers. Our parents never knew this of course. Most of us never dreamed of asking our parents for much help…and we really couldn’t. There was no online banking…if you ran out of money on a Friday…you had to beg your friends to help you until your parents could get money to you (or beg your sister like I did😬)

I dated boys my parents hated…ran for offices that my parents didn’t know about or care really. Probably they couldn’t tell you what classes I even took…just asked if I was passing. 😬

Those four years of learning just a little bit about myself…I wouldn’t change…I really would not change anything…even though I know how the book ends on college and my first marriage…it’s hard to erase. To erase it would mean to erase my son….

And I’m just never gonna do that.

I think if I could go back and change anything…it would be me. The older I get, the more I realize…certain things just didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter that skirts showed knees or jeans seemed to tight . It didn’t matter that the preacher had long hair and wore a T-shirt. It didn’t matter that the drummer at the church got far more involved in his song than I thought necessary. It didn’t matter what car we drove…what house we lived in…

It didn’t matter that they we didn’t dress the nicest…or that they did…money never buys you happiness.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to try new things…I should have. It didn’t matter that I was right…and so many were wrong.

So many relationships are broken, hearts broken, lives destroyed…over stupid opinions.. or arguments that can’t just be forgotten, left in the past…and forgiven.

Have you ever stood at the bedside of a loved one dying? I’ve done it twice…and they are horrible experiences. I was not able to have a conversation with either one…I was only able to stand there and hold their hand or cry…

Death comes with no warning…it just comes when it wants to. It doesn’t let us pay off our houses first…or get in shape, or have a tan. It doesn’t allow us to say goodbye to all those we love…or take that trip that we’ve been saving for…it just comes..like bad news on a sunny day…death just rips into your life..:and changes it forever. It can be a phone call…a hospital visit…anything…and then all at once…the world stops spinning…the sun fades…and you have to keep walking…when all you want to do is to dissolve back into the earth.

My list is long on regrets…my list is long on things I want to do and learn. My list is never ending on things I want to see…places I want to visit. I look forward to my daughters wedding one day…my sons wedding…all of the things….

The disputes with people will no longer matter…the arguments, the grudges…

It will no longer matter….

Lay it down..: