I saw you today at the grocery story…your daughter waved at mine…they knew each other. Before they waved, I saw you size me up…your disdainful look at me…I had on yoga pants and a “Mizzou Mom” shirt on…and yes it’s my fav.
What you didn’t know, is that I had just come from clowning for a local charity…and with no makeup on I wasn’t really that excited about going to the grocery store…but tomorrow is Fathers Day…and well…I had to get some things to celebrate.
I wanted to judge your disdainful look at me…but then I realized I do the same…in just about every aspect of my life.
When I was a single Mom, getting no assistance from my husband…I once decided to treat myself to a tanning session…I was met with displays of “oh that must be nice!” I never got my hair done, or my nails…hadn’t bought new clothes in two years…but that’s what people saw…there I was…tanning.
We all assume…assume so many things and we are so wrong.
People meet me and assume that I’ve never been through anything difficult in my life…but in fairness…how would you know?
Unless you grew up with me you don’t know about my teen years. I was a poor student, but played piano competitively. Cheered for one year…and then…they decided they were done with me. Went to a private college met my best friend, got married and had a beautiful baby boy…and that’s where I get off the train….
No need to bring everyone down the sad sad track of my life.
I remarried and four years later had my second child….and well, life just hasn’t been easy for us…and it really isn’t for anyone.
I’ve walked into the grocery store or a restaurant on a Sunday…in my nice jeans and sweater…fresh from church…but met with eyes of disdain for those who see my attire as not good enough.
There will always be people who think I should give more, or drive a better car. Volunteer more or teach my daughter better manners. In the dance community, I overheard a little girl asking her Mom why my daughters hair was so messy (my daughter was 5…had naturally thick and curly hair) and just didn’t care what happened to her hair while she danced…and with her being my fourth child…I just wasn’t going to stress about it, since we were going straight home to a bath.
Here’s the truth: I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum…it just was called rebellious😬😬😬. If you are loyal to me I will always be loyal to you. If you stab me in the back, I will never trust you again….but an even greater truth is…
I’m tired….I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine. I’m tired of pretending I’m strong. I’m tired of hurting, of picking up all the crap…I’m tired of all of it…
But before I list a huge onslaught of insults…I know I’ve looked at you the same. I’ve judged too harshly, made assumptions…drew conclusions that had no truth…but I was just convinced.
I’ve walked into peoples houses that I know that they have worked hard to decorate…and have stayed silent…no comment…good or bad…perhaps I was jealous.
I’ve eaten at peoples tables and offered no compliments. I’ve seen employees, stepdaughters, friends who have been dressed in their best outfits and having a great hair day…but was to tired to tell them.
I’ve been guilty of not writing the note that I knew my friend needed. I’ve been guilty of ignoring the text sent by a friend who knew I was struggling. I’ve been consumed with my own hurt to reach out to those who are ignored. I’ve been bitter and tired by a burden that I should not have to carry alone…but I do…and instead of just sharing those feelings I become depressed with the loneliness of it all.
I worry about my children and husband and business…that bad things will happen…like what happened before…that I don’t deserve any of it…that I’ve been bad and am unworthy of Gods blessings…does any of that make any sense?
All of those things are based on fear…and if there is anything I’ve learned this year…it’s to not fear like I should…but I still continue to be paralyzed by it…still.
Your hurt, the ugly words said behind your back…the lies…the gossip…someday…it will be dealt with.
The loneliness, the lack of friends, the lack of people you trust…He sees…He fights…He is enough.
That giant problem you can’t fix?? You can’t solve it? He will…and it will be amazing.
The Reluctant Red Nose 