Not Everyone

I’m not sure when this idea that everyone must like me became a real source of irritation. I do not remember caring in high school..but honestly, high school was such a horrible experience I probably blocked it out.

I remember being angry…and very frustrated. The school I attended wasn’t really big on dishing out self esteem. They were much better at telling you all your faults each day and every day….several times a day…but moving forward.

I believe after my first husband died that that is when this strange need for people to like me and understand me really started.

Imagine my dismay, when he died, all of the glorious women who had such negative things to say to me. That’s when I realized…I was never going to be good enough for everyone. I was always going to displease someone.

It’s sooo easy to sit in our houses and on our phones and pass out judgement to strangers. I find myself watching my favorite instagram influencers and thinking how easy they must have it in life…when I truly only have about fifteen minutes of their entire day.

I looked back on my life and I see decisions and standards that I had that were ridiculous…but at the time I thought I was making the right decision.

It’s easy to say what we all would have done in a situation we have never been in.

What exactly would you have done as a single mother whose soon to be ex husband died in a car crash unexpectedly? What would you do with a family that treated you in a manner you never saw coming? How would you be a good mother? How would you pick up the pieces? Would you date again? Would you remarry? Would you marry someone with children and blend your families? How would you do that?

Would you move to a strange town and away from your family and friends forever? Would you change your whole life for an existence you had no idea how it would be? How exactly would you maneuver your way through?

Sometimes you might see my purple hair and demeanor and think you know me…but you do not.

Many have no idea of all the different hats I wear…how many burdens I carry…and how that if you poke me enough I most certainly will bleed.

However, I don’t know anymore of those things about you. I don’t see you cry in your pillow at night. I don’t see you drive to work gritting your teeth. I don’t know the employees that have needs and the children constantly having needs…and your house…and all the things….but I see what we as women do to each other.

Someone is pretty or has had five kids and has no stretch marks and instead of saying how amazing they look…we say “they must get help with her kids and I bet she has an eating disorder.” Someone runs a successful business and we assume that life just goes easy for them. Someone stays at home with their kids and we respond “must be nice”. Meanwhile we know absolutely NOTHING about the person in which we are speaking.

There will always be people with an agenda against me…it’s always amazed me. I’m not some powerful person that is gorgeous and successful so why people care I don’t know…but nevertheless I have had people attack me and tell lies. People block me and tell others stories that never happened.

I used to get so worked up. I just wanted to tell my story and be able to explain myself….but I’m finally coming to the conclusion….that if you truly know me…you will know what’s true and what’s a lie.

I love how women assume…and even when when they find out the truth I rarely hear them going back and correcting the lies they just told. We seem easy on the lies…but difficult to state when we have egg on our faces.

If my husband said I could do whatever I wanted…I would chose the weirdest occupation ever…I would clown every week, make soap and dive into homeschooling way more than I do. I would volunteer more, clown more, clean more….and perhaps finally start working out again. I might even start a greenhouse…and learn how To cook amazing new dishes. However, that’s gonna have to wait…and I’m gonna have to enjoy what is.

Right now there is a strong woman that I really like going through a very public divorce. Everyone has an expert opinion on her life…and what she should do…and who made the mistake…but unless you’ve walked the ugly road of separation and divorce and had kids and had to watch things you never will forget then just be quiet…I beg you.

If you’ve ever had to watch the love of your life get into your family car…tear down the sun kid visors of the family car and listen to your child scream for his daddy to come back while banging on the glass front door, then maybe you “get” me.

If you’ve ever had a man cheat on you, refuse to give you child support…then go ahead….tell me what I did wrong. If you have ever in your life had the flu and had a two year old and no one to help you…then go ahead…explain it all again.

We as women seem to have a problem with being able to support one another even in the darkest times of each other’s lives. We seem to surround one another like sharks going after the weak…waiting for the scent of blood. What happened to just sitting there and being still? I had friends who came and stayed with me the night my first husband died….those girls..those women…know every rotten thing about me…and yet…they showed up.

Those of us that have been burned, refuse to get close again…refuse to share any secrets…because we’ve been down the road of secrets being told. Trust being broken..lies, once again told about us…so we back onto our garages. We forgo ladies night out. We keep our secrets to ourselves in fear…and we stuff all our problems right back down.

We make perfect squares on instagram and starve ourselves to be a perfect size. We worry about how we look and dress and what we drive…and are terrified that someone will see us being “real”.

I’ve done it…and I have realized that no matter how hard I try..and how perfect of a life I try to have. Someone, somewhere, and somehow…is going to have something bad to say about me….and I’ve decided….I just can’t care anymore.

If you want to believe lies…that’s your issue not mine. If you want to discuss me at great length and tell lies to others… I can’t stop you. I try to remember the advice I gave my 13 year old and my 20 year old.

God is the one you answer to…no one else. If He wouldn’t approve of what you do, then you need to stop. Money pays the bills but integrity helps you sleep at night. Those that speak lies of others and poke fun of others actually have low self esteem themselves. No one wants to hurt others when they feel good about themselves.

I continue to pray for good friends…who I can be real with…who like me for me. Who refuse to believe lies or get caught up in them.

This lifetime is too short to worry what others think of us!

Go do you sister!