New Days

Yesterday I finally decided that I needed to tell my husband I was struggling. As a Christ follower and an independent woman, I found this so difficult to do. I am a woman who was a single Mom, after leaving an abusive relationship (and that doesn’t mean he hit me). To a woman who buried her husband and came back to see a new day. I have been through worse than this…but wow…this is shaking me.

I felt like I was going to die. My chest hurt. My ears were ringing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was on fire, then promptly checked my temperature…because you know…Covid 🤦🏼‍♀️

This happened to me twice this week. Small irritations would send me over the edge. I couldn’t concentrate, I was nervous…felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even seem to be able to calm myself down. Just writing these words I can feel my chest tighten.

I can write down for you a list of things I should be grateful for. I can write down why this shouldn’t affect me the way it does. I can even tell you that I’m sure people would tell me to pray more, trust more, read my Bible more.

I’m thankful my husband knew me well enough to know that I needed a break. I needed to be away from so many people asking so much of me.

When you own a business and when you do charity work…lots of people have lots of things they ask of you. None of them bad…but I felt like I was on vacation again with all four of my kids and they were all yelling at each other. I could slowly feel myself melting into the ground. Wanting the ground to just suck me in forever.

It’s so hard for me to just sit. Just relax…leave a bed undone. …an email unanswered, a commitment put off…and I have depleted my resources.

I worry constantly for my store and my staff. I worry about other small businesses…I worry about our town. I worry about it all.

I used to be able to overcome this crushing anxiety with clowning…but for now…that can’t even happen..and I’m feeling it.

My husband has asked me to relax, to do things that give me joy…writing is one of those…naps and coffee are another. He has graciously offered to take over my duties at our store tomorrow and I’m grateful…

I pray for all of you feeling like I am right now…upset to see our kids suffer. I’m so sick of giving my daughter bad news that I’m this close to letting her have a kitten for crying out loud. Whatever the kid wants!

I’m hoping that everyone is able to identify what it is they are feeling. It took me a long time to realize what it was. I’m hoping this weekend I can concentrate on other things…see the good that life offers and pray that soon all this anxiety goes away soon.

For those of you asking me to cast my cares on the Lord…I have and will continue to do so…but Covid and all the stresses it has brought with it for small business owners…and parents of college kids…and kids of elderly parents…it’s a lot right now…and what I need is ❤️❤️❤️ not judgement in how I don’t measure up. Please and thank you!