It Is What It is

I’ve written six blog posts..:and erased them all.

I’ve tried to set goals for things to accomplish during this time. Fitness goals, and personal goals. Home project goals and parent goals…and I have realized what many other people have discovered. I’ve discovered that I am the problem. I always was…and will most likely will continue to be.

So since I know myself…I’ve given myself a little bit of grace. Discovered what motivates me most…and learned that it isn’t at all what I thought it was

Back in March…when we all thought that by summer we would be back to normal..I was ok with some home projects, some creative thinking for outings. Then, reality of where we were and how we were getting there was brought to life…and I like you…kind of just gave up. I watched our nation burn and watched as people continued to hate…and I just found myself in a really dark place.

I am one that likes to make people smile…I need to do it not just for you, but for me. It has now been over a year since I’ve been able to do what I love. That doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. I have no idea how long it will be before I can don my red nose once again….so I have two goals…that I hope to have accomplished by February.

I was able to rent a ukulele, and this has thrilled my soul. I also have my juggling balls ready to go. I am determined to add this to my clown routine by the time we are able to get back out there. I cannot tell you how much this simple thing has lifted my spirits.

Today, I moved my plants around, hung some up in preparation for Christmas decorating…and just seeing how my plants are growing , encourages me immensely.

I was able to tackle a project that for eight years has driven me crazy in my home. The sheer anxiety that has now been relieved from me is unbelievable. How is it possible that such small inexpensive changes can lift my spirits.

Tonight I made brisket, potatoes, homemade bread and an apple crisp and I felt like a rockstar.

I went and picked out my couch (since the other one they tried to deliver was too big for our house). I found out that I won’t have my new one until after the holidays. When I didn’t yell and scream the salesmen kept repeating how much he appreciated that I wasn’t yelling and screaming. I asked him if that would make it come faster🥴. How sad is it that people are grateful because you just decided to be a normal decent human being?

Tomorrow is Halloween. We watched the movie “the Ghost and Mr. Chicken” sadly, we have never shown it to our last child…she enjoyed it. We didn’t carve pumpkins, because she wasn’t interested…she still hasn’t decided if she wants to go trick or treating one last time or not. This year is so weird…I just try to give people grace.

Today I was grateful for sunshine. Warmer temps. I was grateful for laughter as I heard my daughter laughing with one of her friends. I was grateful for food and a warm house and an oven. I was grateful for our store that our community supports. Grateful for employees that love us and made some people laugh today. I am grateful for my dog…my neighborhood. I’m grateful for my comfy chair to watch movies. My nice warm bed…and places where I can buy couches.

I’m hopeful for brighter days…but honestly I can’t look much further than a week ahead. Any further and it makes me anxious.

My sleep patterns have been off as I have laid awake with worry…which only accomplishes me being cranky and depressed the next day. I have found that negative thoughts continue and I come to conclusions that I never should come to, because I’ve thought the worst.

I will tell you that every American right now is worried. However, being worried will solve nothing, it will only harm me.

Someday. When I’m all grown up and quite old. 🥴 I hope to trust the promises of God. It is not that He promises life will be easy…but He does promise us that He will be with us. The answers of prayer He has given us so far…show me that He is for us. We are not forsaken. What more can I possibly need?