Comfort Zone

2020 has been the year to take us all out of our comfort zones. This year, has been the beginning of bad and not soo bad…and then…unexpected surprises.

My husband and myself have taken a few years to invest in our business, our home, our children. We have been very quiet on the friend front…nursing some wounds and spending extra time with family. It was a sweet and special time, but we knew we needed fellowship with other people..but we were very guarded in how to find those friendships.

They started slowly…and then those friendships turned into other people that were friends…and for the first time since I have lived here…I felt a community of support and love…unconditional love.

For many of you that have been hurt by people in the church specifically, you know what I mean by “guarded”. I still remain guarded…I share private things with only a few, and I have finally trusted again.

Pre-Covid….I was busy. I threw myself into every ministry I could think of…I signed myself up to be busy, and busy I was. I went to more retirement homes and charity events in clown and I do NOT regret any of it. It was where I was supposed to be on the journey to heal my heart. I had a job to do and a need to fulfill and I did so.

When Covid hit, it literally closed all of those doors. After we all realized that even with a year, we still have uncertainty about when those clowning opportunities will open up…and in the meantime…God opened up other doors.

The door opened for me to play keyboard at our church leading worship for one of our church services. What makes this opportunity so unique, that as a pianist….I said I would never touch a keyboard. I said those words to our music pastor who was actually talking about this very thing with me today before our service. He is now ahead of our media…but he is a very talented musician, and any advice he gives or encouragement I find important to listen to.

As a pianist, I have only done offertory for church services…I have never helped with worship. It is humbling. Right now I’m filling in for the previous keyboard player because she’s having a baby. I thought I would have more time before I was on my own…but alas…I do not. Playing a keyboard when you have only played a classic piano…at first feels like cheating…it’s weird…it doesn’t feel the same at all. Playing keyboard now for modern worship is completely different than playing an offertory. You no longer have sheet music…you now have chords…and you have a bit of a learning curve. Right now, I’m in the learning curve.

Today, as I stood in front of my church…the weight of my responsibility hit me. It hit me hard…

Since I was seven I have played piano…it was the one thing I was very good at. I was a very good performer…even the biggest mistakes I could cover up…because somehow I just…knew how to do that. I did have one small thing that everyone that knew me…knew to watch for. My leg would shake uncontrollably after about three minutes into a song…I had to work really hard to camouflage it. I would look cool and collected in my face and arms…but that leg…ugh.

Today, as I started to play…my leg started to shake…and since now that I’m playing keyboard and standing…this creates a whole new problem. Also, did I mention that my husband and I are the eldest members of the band? Oh, and we have a brand new pastor…ya know…no big deal.

As I started playing the second song…I saw many in the congregation raise their hands (we are an evangelical church…this is normal😬) this calming presence came over me. I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t there to perform…I was there to lead people in worship. My leg instantly stopped shaking…and I relaxed. There was nothing more powerful to me…than watching people worship the One true creator, and working hard so that they could do so.

I practice everyday….because it’s been years since I have played. I have so much to learn…and I’m grateful that this door opened for me.

I can honestly say…that without Covid…I never would have had time…I never would have felt the call. I never would have said yes when my husband suggested it. Without Covid, I would have not opened my heart to the new friends…I would have continued to fill it with as many opportunities of clowning I could get my hands on…but God shut that door for awhile…so I would walk through another.

Sometimes, those closed doors bring us to new opportunities that we never would have been ready for.

I’m grateful that He chose me for this very small role. I stand in awe…I was blessed to have a front row seat of watching true worship to our great God.

May His Name Be Praised!