Tired In My Soul

Today. I woke up early…very early. If you went to college with me then you know how I embrace the morning….and know that I do not speak. I have a hot shower then coffee…no talky.

When we started camping more this became even more amusing…..my husband knows the sight of the French press is how he makes me smile from ear to ear while we are in the “wild”.

I arrived this very early hour at my parents house to take them to get their second Covid shot. I’m so grateful for the amazing minds that put together this vaccine and grateful that we are now able to get one.

When I arrived at my parents house my father was very confused. Asked me a lot of questions of things he should know the answer to. I try to use humor with him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. This dance I find myself invited to…I don’t want to participate. I want to sit down…but here we are. We don’t get a choice of who our parents are…nor do we get a choice of how we say goodbye. I know each day it becomes a bit more of a goodbye.

Today he wanted to know my mother’s name. He has been married to her since he was seventeen. He couldn’t remember her name…nor if he had always been married to her. If he has ever been married to anyone else. He told me about the woman who visited him and told him that she was living with him and not my mother. He described it like anyone would a normal silly dream. To my father, it really and truly happened.

I can’t imagine what it was like for my Mother as she listened to our conversation in the other room….but here we are.

I changed the subject to Easter where they are excited to finally get back to church and their friends. Dad spoke of grandkids he missed but forgot the grandson that had been over the night before and had a conversation with.

Today, he remembered my name…and knew who I was…he remembered things my son did when he was little…but forgot where he put his shoes and couldn’t find his hat.

He can no longer fill out paperwork or tell me his birth year….but he remembers his social security number with no effort. He hasn’t lost his sense of humor and still makes the nurses giggle when they gave him his shot.

Today he asked me what he had….I didn’t want to answer. Then I realized he would forget soon enough so I told him…

Oh Covid I hate you….dementia I hate you even more. I know that Covid robbed us of more time with a father who wasn’t failing in his memory…but unfortunately with all the seclusion, we will continue to see more of this.

If you are asking me the solution….I have none. I’m not sure what could have been done differently…

For now my soul is tired…my body is tired…but rest assured this weekend we will take lots of pictures and my Dad will have the largest chocolate bunny ever. Just wait and see!