Forgiven

I am the dreaded word…middle aged. I remember as a child going to funerals of people my age and hearing all the adults say “they were so young.” I remember as a child thinking, they are old! What are they talking about being young!? Now, here I am…that same age…as that “old person.”

As a young adult, I decided that I would not raise my children the way I was raised. I was raised in a negative household. I was wrong, more than right…and there was always something to be fixed. I was a horrible student, I day dreamed, always had something to say to make people laugh around me…and had an atrocious temper. To say I was dramatic was a understatement. I was a faithful friend though…to those brave enough to stand by me.

I will spare you the details of my strange upbringing…but will only say to you…that I believe that humor was the only thing that saved me..because there were a few things I knew about myself in high school. I was pretty awesome at piano…I was horrible at sports…but I made everyone around me laugh…and most of my teachers despised me.

College was a repeat…and I still stunk as a student…but I really did try. Nevertheless, I promised myself that my kids would grow up different…my house would be different. Three years after I was married…life certainly was different.

Pain comes in many sizes…betrayal seems to be the worst to bear. I have yet to tell you how long it takes to come back from that one.

As I have grown older…I am not at a place where I am just tired. I have made mistakes…I have asked forgiveness…but I have not been forgiven. I feel that somehow I am still in bondage from that. How do you ever do enough good to make up for mistakes of your past? The answer is…you cannot.

Sometimes there are toxic people in your life that no matter how much good you do…they will not ever let you be free. They won’t ever let you be forgiven. They will blame you for their lives…relationships…etc. I have relationships that will never be restored simply because they chose to believe lies that were told. They are happier believing the lie than the truth. The lie is easier, because without it..they would have to look at the truth about themselves and they refuse to do that.

Some days the burden weighs me down. I don’t like people mad at me. I don’t like people not liking me. Some of the people I can’t even remember why they are mad. I’ve tried to mend the relationships but they have no desire to speak to me.. What do you do then?

What do you do to the people who throw in your face your mistakes over and over again? How do you pick yourself up from that!? How do you keep going? When will it ever be enough?

The truth is…it never will be enough. I will never attain the goal of perfection…I won’t ever get there. Doesn’t mean I don’t try…doesn’t mean I quit learning….but this constant need for approval of man will never bring me happiness…because I will never make everyone happy. I will never be the greatest wife, mom, stepmom, joss, clown, soapmaker, piano player, cook, house cleaner, teacher (all those things are things I actually do). I will never be perfect…at any of it.

I feel this strange sense of urgency. I keep trying to slow time down and each day evaporates into my hands like a raccoon confused by cotton candy dissolving into the river (it’s the saddest and funniest video ever). I don’t even have time lately to dust.

Life has to be more than going to work everyday…having five minutes of an actual vacation and then back to work again…there has to be more to it than that.

I feel as if I’m on this very fast train going absolutely nowhere fun either. I feel that I keep climbing a hill that’s a broken escalator and I am getting nowhere. I feel my problems and frustrations are the same day after day…that nothing gets resolved..just a continual loop of same.

I am grateful for this one thing…the God of the universe forgives me. He loves me unconditionally. He doesn’t bring up my faults again and again. He doesn’t blame my mistakes on his outcome of circumstances. He doesn’t bring it up time and time again, and tell me how awful I am for making these mistakes. He gives me grace…

Grace makes me cry…because where and when I grew up grace wasn’t ever given out…grace wasn’t even talked about. Grace was something only the pretty girls got…the good girls…never me.

Three years ago, (I’ve told those who read this blog this already). I walked under the sign that led into my church…and I choked back a little bit of tears (because I hate to cry) the name of the church was Grace. That has never been lost on me. For the girl with dirty white knee socks and long blond hair they never stayed curled or in braids..grace. For the teen who could never hit a ball, make A honor roll…Grace. For the young woman told by her German college professor that she wasn’t smart enough to go to college …grace.

I was not a mistake…or an accident. I have made plenty of mistakes..but I don’t want to be remembered for them. I have forgiven those that have hurt me…and it’s taken me a long time to do so. I guess the same can be said for those to forgive me.

For now, I can choose to live under the bondage of others and their own turmoil…or choose to look forward..continue to grow and learn and quit living in defeat.

I am forgiven…no more bondage.