Try to Catch It

This week my heart has been seeing little blonde headed boys wherever I go…and I miss my little boy.

I miss how he would hold my hand, and how he would talk and talk and talk about all sorts of things with me. How he loved bedtime and naps, hated bubbles and needed gloves for dirt. Loved his paci and his “bluie”.

Everywhere I have gone there have been reminders for my little boy who is now a man…and tonight at Target…I just about lost it.

I had promised my 14 year old that she and her friend can go and pick out junk foods to eat tonight. As we stood in line there was a little boy in the cart in front of us with his Spider-Man…singing the Spider-Man song just like my son did…and I felt a million years old. I saw the Moms tired look…and the anxiousness of what was her little boy going to do next. She told him to be quiet…but I just loved his rendition of the Spider-Man song…and while I didn’t want to have to do all the things she has to do tonight before she can rest…I did wish that for just a moment…I could see his little chubby face.

I sware it wasn’t that long ago that we were doing bedtime and bath…reading books forever and praying for strength to get through it. Wondering if He would ever be able to go potty on his own…or go to bed without his pacifier. Hoping that we could go on a car ride without him throwing up.

Christmas was more fun…because I could buy toys and listen to him yell as he opened it. Now, it’s a coffee maker…or clothes…needs…not fun stuff.

He graduates from a top school in our state this year…and I’m grateful and I’m thankful…and I’m so happy to be on this journey with him…but I’m amazed at how fast it came and went. As soon as I blinked it was over…..

I have no reason to cry…only happy tears. My son is healthy and happy…and doing well. But today, I wish he was little. Just for a few moments. So I could kiss that blonde head of his and chunky hands. Squeeze those sweet cheeks and listen to him say “I love u Momma.” But those are on video tape and saved in pictures…those moments are capsuled forever.

Somedays the weight of reality almost crushes me…but I know that my job as a mother has always been to give him wings to fly…to soar. To send him on his way to make his way in the world…but it doesn’t stop me wishing for a moment to buy Spider-Man again…and wish for the days of rocks in his pockets and dirt on his hair.

I will enjoy the FaceTime calls as he’s excited about games again and in person classes. His schedule full and his calendar fuller…instead of being scared and uncertain…I’m glad life is finding some normalcy.

I’ve written posts like this before….I’m not trying to tell you to hold on to each day like it’s your last…I remember those days…they were hard.

I remember the pain and mean things that young boys say to their mother. I remember worrying and praying that we would just get through the day. Raising boys is hard…it isn’t for the weak. There have been so many times I have wanted to rescue him…but I know I can’t. I must teach him to be a man. I know that his friends are more important than we are right now in his life…and that’s ok. I guess it would be strange if my son was whining to come home every weekend instead of being at school.

I know that someday he will meet the girl of his dreams…I have prayed for her for so long…and when he does meet her perhaps I will finally relax. Perhaps I will feel content and happy that he has found another soul to help him in life.

This adult thing is hard…just like the teen years…there is no book that tells you all the things…and the manual doesn’t help because not all kids are the same.

Being a mother to a son means letting your heart walk around and let it do scary things…brave things…big things. It’s the most crushing terrifying thing I have ever done. It starts when they drive, gets worse when they go to college…and then it just continues.

Raising a son means saying goodbye over and over again….

Goodbye to cuddles, and smelly boy hair. Goodbye to cds that I played to lull him to sleep. Goodbye to his favorite blue blanket and his Pooh blanket. Goodbye to his Binkie, goodnight moon book, favorite blue star toy..so many things. What I thought would take forever…went by with lightening speed.