Am I Enough?

Everywhere I turn…bad news it seems. Everyone I talk to has some trial they are going through. Some days I feel that I to am going under.

Fear and anxiety have taken a hold of me….my self worth seems to be broken and failing…my eyes are off the prize…and that’s when everything falls apart. I thought by my age that I would be over worrying about what people think of me…but it still creeps up on me.

There will always be someone smarter, prettier and more talented than all of us. How do we respond when we meet her? Do we say mean things behind her back? Do we make her talent seem easy, not hard to come by…average? Do we downplay her strengths to make us seem more worthy? Have you ever done this? Have you had this done to you?

I am one of those who is NOT the most talented…there is probably NOTHING that I’m better than anyone else at. However, I will tell you that some days this feeling of being not enough is suffocating.

The real difficulty is, my husband, my friends, strangers even….can give me compliments…and I simply do not believe. That is no one else’s fault but my own….but lately, these shoulders are getting heavy with that burden.

No one wants to be around someone who constantly needs to be built up….it’s exhausting for all of us. Right now though, I feel that all of us need that extra boost. We all seem to be “going under.” The normal burdens seem heavier than ever before…things we relied on we can’t rely on…and the road seems to be getting harder. This “season” seems to be a new way of life…not just a “season”.

Surround yourself with those who have their eye on the true prize. I’m a person that will scream that the sky is falling…and try to fix it…while my husband would calmly explain there is nothing to fear. In crisis I am a mess and he is firmly planted.

A terrifying movie we took the children to when they were very small (Spider-Man) took a very ugly turn and there was screaming and tears from all the children and myself as well. I sat there frozen…while my husband covered all three children’s eyes…I clearly, am a force to be reckoned with in a crisis.

There was also the time that he had to preach three different hamster funerals….again, I cried as hard as my daughter…clearly I’m a trooper. My heart was broken that my precious child had a broken heart.

Right now with life, I feel overwhelmed. Pulled in so many different directions, but I can’t run away…I have to find a way to make it all work. All the work seems to be a waste…I do not see the fruit of our labor. I feel mediocre…doing everything ok…but nothing well. The house is clean and picked up but no deep cleaning has been done in awhile. It seems new routines begin and then circumstances or sickness or catastrophes happen and we have to revamp schedules again. I know so many struggling with this…

Sometimes, all we can do is start each week with a new plan, a new perspective…and do little things to encourage ourselves….like my recent obsession with spider webs: