Last night we went shopping for fireworks. As a rule, I don’t normally go…because it depresses me. I see people that clearly shouldn’t be spending money they don’t have…literally buying things so that their money goes up in smoke. We buy fireworks…but we are pretty frugal with what we purchase. As we went through the store…I saw the poppers…the snakes…all the fun things that we bought for our kids when they were little.
4th of July plans were cancelled this year due to some family members being sick…and this year it hits harder than it used to…
Tonight we made the long trek again to my parents house. It’s the 3rd time in two months we have been up there. It’s a long drive…and it’s usually depressing. My dad hasn’t said my name in two months…he remembers my husband and my son and my daughter…but not mine. He knows I’m his daughter…but never says my name anymore…and it weighs heavy on me. It’s not his fault…I’m not mad…just unbelievably sad.
As the days stretch into years…I see the memories of how fast our kids have grown..I find myself feeling guilty for my last child at home…and find myself…wishing that I could go back and freeze those memories. I wish I could go back and hear their voices of when they were little and just sit there with them all and soak that in….but I can’t…I just have to hold onto memories…
As we get older we make adjustments. My family used to always get together for 4th of July. We had homemade ice cream my Dad made …tried to talk to him about it yesterday…he says he doesn’t remember doing that. We always had a big swim party at their house…we all wore those silly Old Navy shirts…and now…those are all memories as well.
My parents sold their house and now they live in a small duplex…and things aren’t bad…just different. New traditions are now made…and with our kids all spread out…it feels emptier…lonely. Trying to find the new normal is hard…and it can be filled with uncertainty.
Life is always a balancing act…and I’ve always felt behind. I feel like I finally find my “groove” and then it changes again…
As a person who likes routine…I find it so aggravating. I thrive on a routine…I am not the “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of person. I delight in knowing what the “plan” is…and sadly, my two children are the same… even days off like today throw me…there’s no agenda. There’s no list to check off and I find myself feeling very incomplete..
I’m at that place in my life…where I don’t want to go anywhere…yet I long for excitement. I find myself having to push myself to do anything. What have I become? I feel tranquility will do me good but then realize that’s the last thing I need. I find myself tired…always…
Two weeks until we go on a real vacation…and I trust and pray that will bring the rejuvenation that I need.
I feel that we never seem to just have fun…relax…there’s always an “agenda”. I miss those days of just letting it all go…let the day unfold how it will. Let the beauty of life surround us. Let the pain and hurt of things we can’t change, go. Embrace what is before us and be willing to change the ”routine” of life.
This life is a beautiful web of pain and beauty. It comes with great loss…great lessons lead to deep wisdom. That wisdom learns to accept the change of life and embrace each day for what it is…a gift…more time with people you love and cherish…
The littles have all left the house…the journey before me is new…uncertain…but I’m going to try to embrace it…
Let the pain of the here and now subside…look forward for what is…and move towards the hope that we have. That someday this pain of this life will be over…and all things will be restored and made new.
The Reluctant Red Nose 