Anxiety

This word is said a lot….and is misused quite often. It has taken me years to finally even understand what it truly is. First time I experienced anything close to this was when I first met my first husbands family. I went into full blown panic attack. My heart was Racing and my hands went numb….that’s not what this is.

Second time was when I was pregnant with my son and we were on a hike and I absolutely freaked out about heights….like I froze where I was and my family had to hold my hand like I was four. I couldn’t rationalize anything…just felt complete terror.

I have had more of these occur when we fly to places where we have extreme turbulence. My husband reminds me to breathe because I get hot and sweaty and my hands go numb…. Normally fine by the time we get to our gate…but it’s touch and go there for awhile….

However, the last several months I have just been unable to relax. Irrational fears have taken hold of me…so much so that I am having such a time with just enjoying life.

The last four years we have weathered an enormous storm…I feel that I was in “survival” mode. Now that we have gone through the tremendous tribulation…I find myself in some sort of PTSD …

For instance we went camping the other night and all I could fixate on was how our family would die in our camper….

I have no idea why…but that’s where I am.

For the last two years my work schedule has been insane and I’ve had no time for clowning, homeschooling my daughter, the gym, friends….I’ve just been working…and my husband and I agreed this could not go on any longer…

So now I’ve been getting ready to enjoy a new schedule, and able to make appointments and look forward to happy things. Not that my work wasn’t happy but when you own your own business it’s very stressful. When I go home I don’t have the luxury of turning it off… always thinking about it…

Lately, everything seems impossible and I have no reason why…

The only conclusion I can come to is that Satan is doing his very best to steal my joy. To rob me of my peace. To steal my energy and joy I can bring to others. To distract me from my children….and he does this by causing me to fixate on things that are not anything to worry about.

God has proven again and again and again…that He takes good care of me..and He knows exactly what I need.

So for now….I pray…I read scripture….I meditate on the blessings….