Tomorrow I will be at two weeks since my Lumpectomy surgery and lymph node removal…and can I say….it sucks. I envisioned a few days where it would be rough but I never thought I would be this tired.
Yesterday and today I have been so ridiculously tired that the only accomplishment I have made is crying watching all the tik toks of horrible people that exist in this world.
I had dreams of reading books and being so amazing at getting things done but the problem with that is you feel horrible so there isn’t a lot of productive things you do.
However, I did erase some pictures on my phone and some emails….I did research on container gardens and hopefully by this Thursday I can do something with it….
I have shopped for Easter and clothes…and even ordered a birthday cake for my daughter for her May birthday…
I can’t plan trips…because I am not sure when radiation starts or how long it will be…I can’t plan clowning events for the same reason….
I have a million projects I would like to do but my body won’t let me….and that is frustrating.
I have done research on my cancer and joined groups for ladies with the specific type that I have and have found it to be very encouraging. I have sent way to many tik toks to my son and friends…
I have been surprised and saddened and encouraged by friends that showed up and surprised by those that did not. I have realized that in order to be helped sometimes you have to ask…and those are things I am really terrible at. I am learning constantly how to do that better. As a true Gen X this is foreign territory for me….we just never did.
Back in 2011 I had a hairline fracture on my left leg up towards my femur….this fracture occurred during a 5K race. I did not stop…after my orthopedic surgeon yelled at me my husband left the room to use the restroom and the orthopedic surgeon said to me…”yeah, I would have done the same.” thanks buddy, appreciate your help 🥴 He then told me that if I could stay off of it for six weeks he would not put it in a cast….and that was the longest six weeks ever….
I do not sit well….this feels like watching paint dry….and I am over it.
I think the hardest part about cancer is the wait….
Biopsy….wait for the news. Genetic testing….wait for the news. Surgery…wait for the pathology report…Healing…then wait to see the surgeon then wait to meet with oncologist…then wait to start medication…then wait to start radiation…and everything is done at the speed of spit.
Meanwhile, nothing can be planned…and everyone else moves on….and you are stuck in one place watching life move forward….while you wait. Trying to be involved in the events of your children and husband while standing in the same place praying that soon you can move from your space…
There are not enough breast cancer blankets or flowers or pink t shirts they make the waiting in your square any easier….but it does make you feel loved while you wait in the square.
When this is over I have grand plans….but for now I wait not patiently….in my square…waiting to move to the next level…
Today, my new book vase is making me happy….and for today that is enough.
The Reluctant Red Nose 