To Radiate Or Not To Radiate

In this cancer journey…one word I would constantly use is the word unexpected.

I could NOT have planned everything worse than I did….worry about the wrong things and anticipate pain from things that were NOT painful and NOT understand the things that were EXTREMELY painful.

I have also learned that while women are amazing comforters and give wonderful feedback….they can also be the absolute Negative Nellies.

You have the women who had a lumpectomy and made dinner that night….this I personally don’t believe because I don’t even remember the drive home really…because I was still hung over from my antihistamine ride from my allergic reaction during surgery. There are the women who returned to work in three days…and then there are the women like me….who had five lymph nodes removed as well….and two large incisions….some of us just take longer than others because we have more that needs to heal. There are no gold medals given in this category….just go at your own pace.

There is a remarkable amount of information given…there are large things to weigh…there are several options. Everyone has a “professional” opinion. I’ve heard all the things….”reject the hormone blockers and radiation, only a grass fed camel diet will save you.” Ok…that’s an exaggeration but you get my drift.

I’ve been told that if I have radiation and the cancer comes back I can’t have reconstruction…but the surgeon looked at me and said it CAN be done….difficult but it can. Then my sister tells me she couldn’t do reconstruction because she got several infections….so …..it can really make you want to run away.

So today we went to my surgeon. He is confident he got all the cancer. I like my surgeon but today he irritated me….he gave me false hope and it’s been nagging at me all day.

I have DCIS in Situ Grade 3. What does this mean? It means earliest form of breast cancer very treatable. What does Grade 3 mean? From what I’ve read it means fast growing….but I haven’t had that verified by any doctor as of yet. My type of cancer is estrogen fed.

My surgeon has said from day one…radiation and hormone blockers….and mammograms every six months but he won’t start that up until February of next year….then he said he doesn’t think I need radiation….and for a mere moment I heard birds sing….and then he said…but we will wait until we hear what the oncologist says. So, there it went….right out the window….my good mood went quickly went away and matched the very grey and cold day we are having. Something I’ve been prepared for and wrapped my brain around….now I’m told …..maybe not…..why say it? Why give false hope? Why?

In that moment of relief and elation of just being able to close the book on this stupid chapter….I thought to myself…I remember how this feels….and then when he took it back…I remember sitting there like…I want that back!!! Come back!!!

It was then that I realized ….it doesn’t matter. Radiation or no….hormone blocker or no….reoccurrence next year or no….how do you choose to live?

Do you want to waste your time on this earth reading every article on how to cure cancer? How to prevent cancer? Or do you want to just live?

The truth is I may do all the treatments and all the things….and it may come back…it may come back with a vengeance….but am I going to continue to live like I am dying….or choose to just live.

I look at pictures of Greece and I can’t fathom going there later this year. I haven’t let myself even think about camping, fishing and travel…or clowning or any fun thing coming down the road.

Every morning I wake up, constantly worried about my business, my kids, my dogs, my daughters ACT score…her drivers license, her driving….my son in DC….it never ends…my husband and what if he gets sick….all of the things.

Yes, it’s possible cancer comes back and I can’t have reconstructive surgery because I had radiation and now for the rest of my life I’m a flat chested freak (but I was already pretty flat chested) and I just can’t worry about any of it anymore.

So, for now we wait to hear back from the oncologist who is supposed to call tomorrow to set up an appointment and we sit and do what the oncologist says…and we quit worrying…we get back out to nature and start working off this weight we gained while doing nothing but recovering from surgery….and we get back out there.

We come armed with new hobbies that are distracting and fulfilling . We get off our phone and enjoy conversations and we forget about this chapter and be grateful it was only one short chapter….and we move on….