So We Radiate

I sat there and tried to persuade her to say No Radiation.…but I knew better even when my surgeon said there wouldn’t be any….I just knew.

I had a lumpectomy and this is how they treat it…this is what they said from day one so why I thought it would be different I don’t know.

Twenty sounds like such a BIG number. It feels like a lot especially when they tell you every day. I had one wish….that I would be done with all this by my 50th birthday which is in May….and I will be done about a week and a half before that day….so she thinks I will still be recovering but pretty close to done. I have a big camping and fishing trip planned….and I really hope that that can still happen.

I will not tell you that when your oncologist has you lift your arms and sees your left breast and says…yes I see we have some issues with this one…and you know she sees what you see….I am now scarred and maimed…that’s what it feels like. I wish I could say I feel like a warrior, that I feel strong…but I don’t. I’m not a warrior…I just want to make soap and bread…I want to make little kids laugh by using my red nose…I want to fish and camp and explore. I want to quit being poked and I never want to hear the words…”hold your breath” However, that is not the cards we are dealt today.

She once again goes over in greater detail that I need to protect my left arm against sunburn, bug bites….all sorts of things so that I won’t have lymphedema. No sunburn, no poison ivy…no scratches…ugh.

I then went and did an MRI where they planned out exactly where the radiation needs to go…marked on me with a marker and added stickers that I get to keep on for at least two weeks. It was a lot but she told me exactly what she was doing as she did them. I am also claustrophobic but thankfully this was a open machine so it was easy.

I appreciated that the nurse told me it was a lot and they would help me every step of the way…that I didn’t need to worry about a thing.

I know my hair will not fall out. I am not having chemotherapy . I know that I didn’t have a double mastectomy, but a lumpectomy is not a walk in the park.

As I lay there today…many thoughts went through my mind. I am grateful for life…grateful that it isn’t like some women who lay here and pray that the radiation and chemo are enough. Worry that it will save them…their fight is brutal. They are literally fighting for their lives. I feel selfish whining….I feel selfish to complain…

But to deny the pain and anxiety this has caused would not be fair either.

I think it’s important that each cancer patient have their moment. Some say you can’t sit at the table unless you carry all the burden/..and that simply isn’t fair. No matter what stage or grade your cancer is…the word cancer is still scary. The burden is heavy. The journey is yours.

Many look at my journey and say…you will live…your diagnoses is good…they caught it early….and for those things I am grateful. .

However, I have scars…and there has been tears and pain….and my body will never be the same.

I have become even more grateful for nurses . Even more so then when I had both of my children. What a difficult job they have and I am grateful to each one who has seen me at my worst and made me feel human.

So we gear up for another fight…determined to win….and as my oncologist would say…”you can do this.”