Don’t Forget Your Gown

I have now done two Radiation treatments. For all the ladies who feel better about themselves by talking about how easy it is….goody for you. I have spent my life being polite to strangers and I’m not sure if it’s age or it’s cancer but I just do not care anymore.

I am a Generation X. We do not talk about our feelings, we don’t cry, we don’t discuss these things with our parents…we sweep everything under the rug. We just do what needs to be done, but I am realizing that this is bigger than me…and if I don’t discuss it I will lose it mentally.

Here is the truth if you are getting ready to go through Radiation….

1. It’s a lot. People try and act like it’s no big deal but getting up on a slab of metal everyday and having machine twirl about you is a lot.

2. It’s a lot to have stickers and xs and purple markers all over your breasts and tattoos for radiation. You feel like a tic tac toe board.

3. It’s a lot to lay there naked from the waist up while two strangers line everything up. Then when they lay things on your scars…and talk about your scars.

4. It’s a lot to hold your breath and keep that in the green box, to have a machine taped to your belly.

5. It’s a lot to have to just throw off your robe in a room and then make sure you remember to put it back on!

6. It’s a lot to go to an Occupational Therapist and have your arms measured and then be told you might have to wear a compression sleeve.

7. It’s a lot to be taken down corridors and halls and to remember where you need to go.

8. It’s a lot when you hear things like “surgical arm” and great care that needs to be taken. Lymph node massage…. .

9. It’s a lot when you realize half your breast tissue is gone.

10. It is a lot when you realize your life has changed forever and things will never be the same.

My nurses and physicians are amazing people and I can’t say enough wonderful things about them.

The fact of the matter is all of these treatments are weighing on me mentally. It is a lot to take in and many days I want to run away.

There’s a lot of unknowns, there are a lot of things I could work myself in a frenzy for…but I just refuse to do it.

This week, I am getting my bearings….and if I have to wear a compression sleeve then I will…but life will go on.

It is a lot to realize that cancer stops for no one….that life still goes on. Bills still need to be paid and your kids still have events.

My mind right now feels like it’s racing….trying to meal plan and grade papers while making sure bills are paid for home and our store….at same time trying to get our daughter through her sophomore year and prom and driving and all the things. Also, just for fun, I’ve been dealing with vertigo for about two weeks and it is more fun than you can imagine. When the weather changes, like we get a storm, it’s even more fun.

I do not have to have chemo….i do not have to deal with losing hair and all the horrible things that go with chemotherapy, but no matter what you have to do in your cancer journey…it is a lot mentally.

I appreciate the people who send me texts and tell me I am strong. I appreciate the hugs (from the right) I appreciate ridiculous memes and videos sent to me….especially after I get out of radiation. I appreciate the texts asking how we are doing…the making of meals….you all are my heroes and I appreciate it.

My mind right now needs to settle and I am having a really hard time doing that….when I go to Radiation, I feel my brain is scrambled….and I forget the dumbest things….like yesterday…

I walked into the Radiation room and remembered to take off my gown….did radiation….she helped me get off the table…got down….put my watch on…and proceeded to walk out!!!! With NO GOWN on!!!! What is happening?!!!!! The nurse looked at me and told me she would have stopped me….what in the world?!

So as we go forward, I am praying for my mind to settle….to just get in the groove and ride this uncertain ride with calmness of heart…take the punches when they come…and just ride…because worrying about it will not change it.