Today I wasn’t dizzy for the first time in three weeks. I was able to complete Radiation today like a normal person.
I would love to say that I will learn from this and be grateful for each day because I know what it is like to have something debilitating. For the next few months and maybe couple years that is true….but sadly, we all forget our hard lessons sometimes and we just get caught up in our daily lives.
I sat by a lady yesterday before radiation and she had to do about seven rounds of chemo and 33 rounds of radiation and drive 80 miles one way to come to Radiation, and in that moment….I felt two inches high. No matter how rough we have it, there is always someone who is fighting harder….
When this all began I was angry….I wanted to know why….I was thankful for the diagnosis and the outcome but had no desire to go through the long and painful process. Cancer sucks and there is no other way to say it. No matter how small it is…it is a lot.
I have discussed the kindness of the nurses I have met and I can honestly tell you I haven’t met a mean one yet in all the doctors offices I have been to in the last four months. They have been so kind and so caring.
I have realized that no matter what life gives you or how dark the spaces you enter it is up to you to be a bright light.
When I walk into a radiation room with a big machine that scares me and certain pillows that are made just for me…and the four nurses that wait for me when I get into the room each day to attach ALL the things ….it can be scary. I have memorized the rotations…and when the table moves to get you where you need to be to get that perfect “ray”, and I am now ok with that. It doesn’t scare me as much…I find comfort as I hear them tell me to take a deep breath through the microphone …even though I am all alone in that room I know that they won’t leave me…that at that moment I am their biggest priority…and they even tell me great job….every time….…
In those moments I’m all alone I think of my kids, my husband, my friends…and crazy things like wanting to itch my head. I also get weepy….sing songs in my head like “be a fighter songs”. And sometimes….on Fridays….
I bring my Emotional Support Chicken that was sent to me by my “clown momma” and it has literally gone to Radiation with me.
The part that I was most upset about was not being able to clown since January…..I had all these new schools set up and had to cancel them all….so since this is where I am….I decided that this is where I am gonna bring some smiles….
I gave them their own little tiny support chickens as well….because it’s not right not to share….
In life….we will always have hardships…it’s practically a guarantee….most days I don’t feel like smiling….I am tired….I would like to whine ….but I cannot quit….too many people rely on me.
My dad just celebrated his 90th birthday this past Sunday and we got to share the day with him. When I walked in he asked who I was….and normally this would upset me….but I know he can’t help it and it’s ok. He then started telling a crazy story that made no sense because that’s what dementia does…and instead of correcting him…I just went along with the story. It was quite creative… my deceased uncle kept walking into room after room and was losing $100 each time….of course I had a lot to add to it…because that’s the whole point. You can’t correct them…you use humor to relax the people listening (aka my Mom who kept trying to correct him) and you then redirect them back to reality without them ever knowing how we got back. I will say I used to think I got my creativity from my Mom…but after some of these stories I am no longer convinced.
I could go home sad they he didn’t remember my name but always my husband….or we could laugh about it…
Life isn’t fair….it isn’t fun…it can really stink….but in the pit….find the good….be the light….be the joy….because in the end, it’s gonna hurt one way or the other anyway…might as well make a few friends smile on the way….
The Reluctant Red Nose 