Wac A Mole

I am not the same person I was when they told me I had cancer…once again….life experiences have changed me.

For those keeping score I have almost kicked cancers butt entirely….but her wicked ways have not let go of me yet.

My very debilitating run with vertigo has now vanished and I can’t even begin to tell you how much that has helped …..with just life.

In the early stages of my cancer journey, as we were preparing for surgery they discussed compression sleeves and gloves and I completely lost my mind. Like I believe there is even a video on my private Facebook page addressing this…and I was falling apart. As I have had time to reflect on it I believe it’s because it just automatically points out to everyone that I have a problem. Somehow to me, it says you are broken.

This year was to be a year I turn 50, we go to one of our dream getaways and go to Greece….it was on the calendar! But as many of you know….even with insurance….cancer isn’t cheap…and we got to hang out in radiation rooms and surgery and all the things….

Instead, I still have stickers and purple ink all over my breasts…they itch and they are red from radiation. I have flashed my boobs more times than I can count….and I no longer have any shame in doing so….(for nurses) i felt like I should make that clear.

This is the hang up that I can’t get past….no one knows that I have breast cancer unless you know me. I did not have to have chemo so my hair is still intact, and besides gaining some weight….I appear to be fine….until the dreaded compression sleeve.

I guess deep down inside that day I knew when she measured my arms that I indeed would need it. I knew it was a hang up with me and I knew it was a hurdle I was going to have to jump over and I did not want to do it.

Yesterday when she pulled out the sleeve I was fine because my arm has been hurting soo bad…but when she pulled out the glove….I turned into a five year old and I’ve been there ever since….

In the reality of life is this a big deal? No, it’s stupid to even dedicate a blog post to it….but it’s my feelings and they are valid….and I personally feel its important for those getting ready to go through it that they understand changes that happen to you that you never even think about.

I never paid attention to lymphatic system. When they removed my five lymph nodes I did the exercises after surgery…I kept my arm up and kept moving it….my body said….don’t care…we are going to be difficult….and so they are.

I am still a big grumpy, found a fun sleeve to wear over it….

Purple stains are markings on you from radiation. I have had two this entire time and yesterday I was given three more….no worries I have two more times and they all are off.

In September we plan on taking a trip to Utah. Between now and then my radiation scars need to heal, need to get this lymphedema under control….get back into shape and finish all my projects….

It’s time to live again….almost there!