I don’t want to

Horrible title I know….but right now it is how I feel…..ridiculously over dramatic.

Today I got a much needed massage. I always do deep tissue massage but since I now am the proud owner of lymphedema, my OT wants me to get a massage but basically wants my massage therapist to leave the left side alone. My left arm has been mad at me all week….I have been using it too much. I need to go slower but I haven’t. I feel I’m finally getting a little bit of myself back and recovering maybe from radiation.

After my lovely massage I went and got out 750 more invitations to an event our store is having….took me four hours. Then, I went to some businesses and gave them some flyers. Went home and made dinner and cleaned etc…passed out on the couch for maybe 20 minutes until the Louie barked at someone who dared to walk on the road in front of our house.

I’m exhausted in mind, body and soul. I know many of you feel the same. I feel this deep gloom…but at the same time a sense of calm? I cannot explain.

Cancer, my parents failing health, economy is stupidly right now, owning a business, new roof, kids and all that comes with that….and it has me wanting to get in a cool van and travel the country either my coffee mug and some EO…completely unrealistic….but it’s a nice dream.

My Dad is failing….and I live in denial. Last night I cried and cried because the reality of what is finally dawned on me…my time with him is coming to a close….and I am especially angry, because I haven’t heard him say my name in such a long time.

My dad….he fixed all the bad things….he really did. Leaky faucet…hole in the wall, broken heart, car broke down…need to borrow money…need tags for my car….he did it…

I guess that is what I hate the most about lasts….you never know it is your last….

This is when we moved my playhouse from one house to our new house..I’m the little kid.

This is the house I grew up in as it looks today…it was yellow and white when I lived there. It had beautiful landscaping and was a lovely place.

This is the side view of the home I grew up in. Lived here from 12 to 22….then moved back in from 27-29….

I would love to sit down with him and tell him about my cancer and how scared I was. I would love to hear him say my name. I would like to tell him that he was a great Dad. I think I like camping because it reminds me of him. I like to sing silly songs…it reminds me of him. I am grateful to grow up in a time where big Buicks were what everyone drove. I remember laying on the back rear window ledge and singing as I looked up at the stars on our way home from church. I loved that we sometimes sang in the car and even though my Dad couldn’t sing he sure did try. I love how we would take rides to the woods on the tractor for him to chop wood and I would stack it. I love how that he loved my Mom even though she wasn’t always kind to him. I love how he could build anything. How he was always true to his word. How he never ever backed down. I inherited his bad temper…his tender heart where I feel everything. I inherited his sense of humor, his loyalty, his determination and his unbelievable strength to keep going…never surrender.