Maybe just Maybe

How do you get through the emotional trauma of cancer?

If you are looking for the answer here…I haven’t found it…I am struggling.

Finding out my diagnosis, I heard a common theme…I even said the common theme…but I think those words had a power to them that I didn’t fully fathom. The words “it’s the best worst news.” All of those words are true…but for me….its like they took away the importance….the severity of what I was feeling.

When you are diagnosed with cancer and you receive your cancer plan it seems like a huge mountain….I didn’t have all the information. I had no idea what all of it would entail….still entails.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt well, I am not sure what feeling well feels like.

Not only do you deal with the trauma of treatments and trying to navigate how you feel and your changes and scarred body but it’s constantly in the back of your mind….will it come back?

Being on meds every single ailment you feel, you blame it on that med…

Going out to eat is no longer fun….I’ve completely and totally changed the way I eat…and quite frankly….it sucks. Last night I wanted fried shrimp and a sweet tea…instead I had a lovely salmon and a salad…drank a lovely ice water with lemon…my body thanked me.

If you don’t know me I ate pretty healthy before…we don’t eat a lot of processed meals…we don’t drink soda…no chips or sugary cereals are in our house…we don’t do bad. I could stand to lose 15 pounds but I am not overweight. In fact before I got diagnosed with cancer my doctor went on and on about how great my BMI was and my blood pressure. I was working out….I was feeling good.

Now I’m not sure how I feel…each day I get up and I try hard to keep my mind off it. I drink water and I eat healthy and I walk and I’m starting back on rowing…but I feel like I just want to lay down and nap.

I’ve entertained the idea of talking to someone…but honestly I don’t feel like sharing my “feelings”. I don’t want to talk about how I feel.

I guess the reason for that is I don’t want to “feel”…

As soon as I begin to “feel” I begin to cry….and that does not help anyone.

When people see my scars and comment how great they look…I don’t see that….I just see the scars….

I have conversations with other pink sisters I never thought I would have….I am grateful to them…

Giving up is not an option….but right now life feels u fair and heavy….I am grateful for trips and experiences I have coming up….I am hopeful that my soul will learn to soar after these experiences.

I am weak…and I am weary.

Don’t worry….I will rise again!