Today I Am Thankful

This was written a few nights ago…

My husband and I are strange people. We don’t crave change but our lives seem to think we do…it makes us uncomfortable…it makes me lose sleep..I crave the normal…but I am constantly pushed beyond comfort.

My husband and I like to drive our cars for a long period of time…before our car purchase tonight…our youngest car was 9 years old…and we were ok with that…but my husband needed a “new to us” car.

As we were driving home in our purchase…with a much much lighter wallet….I closed my eyes…and was grateful…thankful…I enjoyed the moment for all its goodness.

Life beats us all up…it’s overwhelming…it’s frightening…it is at times….terrifying….but I try very hard to stop and take a moment to enjoy these things where God shows His favor.

Sunday…..

Today is Sunday….I have been exhausted all week…thinking it was just because we have had non stop lives….

Today I slept a lot…and I am still tired….

Monday…..

Today I do feel better. I called the cancer center and I am switching oncologist ….I don’t feel heard with my first one and to be on a drug for five years, I feel like I need to be heard.

From the first day I met him he said things that upset me and I should have spoke up for myself then and there but I did not. My Radiation Oncologist called my cancer for what it was….cancer. This particular oncologist who is to be in charge of my hormone therapy made me feel small from the beginning.

Many DCIS patients are dismissed and treated like they are less then…when in fact….we deserve a seat at the table like everyone else. This doctor likes to use the word “pre-cancer” it was like his favorite word. Inside I was screaming because I had just went through this with my surgeon.

I was diagnosed with DCIS in Situ which means the cancer was in my milk ducts of my left breast it had not become invasive…..if it had, I would have also had to do chemo. It was stage 0 Grade 3….grade 3 is what they are worried about….it means it’s fast growing…better stop it fast. It also can be passed to my daughter….they want her to start being screened at 25.

Instead I had a lumpectomy, 5 lymph nodes removed and then I have suffered with lymphedema and serious vertigo….followed by 20 rounds of radiation and then more OT therapy for my lymphatic system and then I get to be on tamoxifen for five years…..so that’s why I got mad…this wasn’t a tiny Bandaid that needed to come off…this was a lot. He even admitted that there was a gene that they hadn’t been discovered that my family had because 3/5 sisters was too many….

I have been on tamoxifen for almost four months and once a month for four days it’s debilitating….he didn’t care….he dismissed it. But now I am at a crossroads…..

From the beginning of this medicine I have said I would try it but if my quality of life is diminished than I would seek another drug. I am aware of the importance….my cancer coming back is always at the back of my mind…I’ve watched my sisters come back….I know it’s a real possibility.

I never want to be selfish to my family and not be with them as long as possible…but I am not sure sitting on the couch and feeling awful is the quality of life I want either.

We are coming into my favorite time of year….and I don’t want to miss anything…my list is a mile long and I keep getting further and further behind!

I switched to a new oncologist today that was recommended….I feel empowered that I have changed my course and am with someone who will help me navigate this better….

Please don’t be like me….listen to your gut….speak up for yourself….

There is more drugs than tamoxifen….there are answers….

I am grateful for modern medicine and those who are helpful in their fields….

The days seem long….but joy will come in the morning.