Days I Dread

Today I went to see my Dad….I went to pick up my Mom and then the two of us along with my daughter, made the short trek.

The nurses are familiar with is. I have been pleased with how kind they are to him…

Dad is not eating well. Today he slept a lot during our visit and didn’t know me at all. He recognized Mom. I thought he would get excited about the Chiefs game…but he was not.

I had my son FaceTime and for the first time ever he didn’t know my son….it was hard for him I could tell.

Trey tried to talk Royals making it to the Playoffs on such a long time and he was not interested…which is so ridiculously unusual.

When you deal with a parent with dementia you go through this hell that is indescribable. I am not sure what is more painful than your parent not recognizing you at all….and then bit by bit….all the things you talked about with them….slowly get pulled away from their memory.

Memories you had….they don’t remember. So you sit there and watch them sleep….and wish you could talk to them.

You have visitors who come in uninvited due to them not knowing where they should be as well…my daughter once again jumped right up and helped the sweet little lady find her way back to her room.

Dad wanted to sleep in his bed but I had to deny him that due to it being too close to dinner and he has not been eating well.

So I wheeled him down in the wheelchair ….knowing he probably won’t eat tonight…because I am like him…when I am sad I do not eat…but when I am happy and stress free I certainly enjoy food.

So on the long drive home my daughter slept which gave me time to be alone with my thoughts. It was the golden hour..my favorite time of day…and all the memories of childhood came back. My Dad in his grey Chevy truck. His arm always out the window so it was always darker than the other. We would talk about everything. We would sing silly songs…..when we would get home I would do homework and then eat and then do chores. Sometimes I got to help feed the horses…and the stupid goat Ellie May….i named my goat something sensible like Heidi…and my sister named hers Happy. Even though she is eight years older than I I found that name to be so silly…Heidi made perfect sense…doesn’t anyone read anymore?

Dad could talk long and hard at anyone with anyone….and now ….that person doesn’t exist.

When I got home my husband asked me if I was ok….I shook my head yes….:

However….as it always goes….11:00 at night my tears began to flow..:and here I sit on my couch at 12:24 on a Sunday night….knowing 5 am comes quickly….

And I am thankful for the memories….but Dementia I hate you sooo much!