The Heavy

This past week I have heard of a college acquaintance who died from a brain tumor and a personal friend that I have had direct contact with, but not in many years, pass away from a rare type of cancer…

I sit here in sadness….many of us who have lost people that we love way too early….are familiar with the long road that grief gives us…and hitting before Christmas just seems cruel.

I met Laura at a church I used to attend…she was quiet…never spoke in anger. Had a hilarious laugh…always spoke kindness to her children but if they got out of line…she had a tone that even made me pay attention. Never cruel, never loud…but get in line. When I first started training for a 5K in 2011 she would train with me in the mornings. She was an amazing seamstress. No one else made the ridiculous clown outfits I needed….she never batted an eye…they were perfect and I still wear them to this day….

Her husband was very talented on the keyboard…is a kind soul and doesn’t deserve to be without his wife he loved so much. She has two younger children that are around the age of my Ellie and sox other children who are around the ages of my older children.

Laura was kind, she spoke kindness, she was humble, she was private…she didn’t like a fuss. She loved her children deeply…she homeschooled all of them…it is not fair she is gone. It is not fair she suffered.

This year has been a year I am glad to see the end of. I know so many of us have just had a horrible year and I feel like a bloody and bruised carcass…like I’ve run a marathon…and I’ve been pushed down so many times…but I keep getting up.

Maybe I am jealous of Laura….her race is done. She has hugged Jesus….she is walking streets of gold and feeling good….her tears have been wiped away…she is whole. No worries for her anymore…no pain.

I can honestly say I know my race isn’t over…and I don’t want it to be…but I would like a year without cancer….not every appliance in my house to need to be replaced or fixed….

I would like a year pass on hot flashes and meds. It would be great if things would work when they should….cars would not have the most expensive thing on them break…and I never imagined life with all the dog poop, along with holes in my underwear…anyone else have that dog that does that? No,? Just me?

Joy comes in the morning…..

I am grateful for life….I am grateful for health…I am grateful for cooling blankets…

I am grateful to know that this is not my home….I’’m just passing through…my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. Oh lord you know I have no friend like you…if heavens not my home…then lord what would I do…

Yes, I sang that….sometimes my upbringing just comes out.

I look forward to talking to my Dad when he no longer has dementia. I look forward to seeing him whole again…I look forward to seeing all those who went before me….

For now….steady….rest up….take the water break…get a new sweatband….but gear up….we aren’t done….let the tears flow….let yourself feel the pain of life…become stronger, not weaker. Never give in…never give up….never quit loving….even when it hurts. Never stop giving of yourself…never stop being vulnerable…just never stop.

I will treasure these two clown outfits for always…and I will always remember Laura who made them….perfect…..and all the laughs I get….because of her.