I Will Never Tell

My anxious heart refuses to stop. I have nothing to fear…no sickness, children are all well. My animals are well. My business is well and my staff…but that anxious spirit will not stop.

I am on new medicine, have been on it for seven months and I absolutely hate the medicine that is supposed to save my life. It makes my body ache…it makes me cranky….it makes me sad.

I have been trying to distract myself lately and will continue to do so. I am back to working out again and I am back to walking and eating better.

I don’t like to go out to eat because it’s no longer fun…the food I want….I cannot have….so what is the point? I have less money and food was ok?

I am used to doing acts of service….in times that I have felt this way I have known that that is when my red nose should show up….

Honestly, right now, I don’t have the mental energy for even that.

I could list all the things that hurt my heart right now….but I fear that would cause more hurt and pain for others.

It’s the hurt that can’t be fixed….

Yesterday a client came in who used to be my son’s doctor….he has aged…his wife is dying….my heart hurt for him. So much pain and agony of all those around me….and my red nose can no longer fix it…I am weary with the hurt.

Social media has made us meaner. Attacks and lies of others are spread so quickly….people then take those lies as truth….reputations constantly having to be defended.

Those of us who spend so much time giving joy to others….have the hardest time.

We are rarely rescued….we are normally the ones who do the rescuing. We will not ever say we are hurting…we are going under….we will continue to make you smile…to make you laugh…because that’s what we do…we will never tell the heartache we have.

For now…I put one foot in front of the other….I keep moving….fill my days with either work or projects….try not to ever let my mind wander….because….I will never say….I am going under.