So This is It

Today I went to my oncologist. I go every three months. He likes my labs done and he pays close attention to my liver etc. I’m doing hormone therapy and am on another drug because of the cancer drug preventer I am on.

I also see my surgeon and my Radiation Oncologist but only usually once a year.

Right now I am doing good….I am not sad….but my heart hurts….my parents are both in Retirement Homes. My father is not doing well and I am simply overwhelmed at living life without him. I am also irrationally mad because I feel we were all cheated. I didn’t know the last time he said my name and looked at me with recognition would be my last time. I didn’t know coffee and donuts and conversation would be my last. I didn’t know his April birthday where we ate cake together would be out last. I simply did not know.

I go through pictures and memories..::run my fingers through the grass….as I mulch my back flower garden I have a place where my pink bike and the door to my playhouse is in the flower garden. I regret nothing from my childhood my father did for me.

I can smell the inside of his lunchbox….the hard leather red and black plaid seat, the smell of aftershave and the sound of his Chevy truck. I can hear the silly songs and how his arm would be browner because he put it out the window and drove with the other.

I can still see his arm come across me as he had to brake hard….always there to catch me.

Now my phone rings several times a day as my Mother calls two of my sisters and I sometimes upwards to 12 times each. She’s confused….she doesn’t know why she is in a home….and begs us all to come get her….but there is no peace I can give her….she is in the safest place ….and those are words I have to say to myself daily.

Sometimes she says hateful words that she would never say to us if she was of her right mind…but she isn’t….and this is how it is.

I have made peace….but it still hurts. The suffering of watching your parents as their minds suffer is something I would never wish on the worst enemy.

My soul is sad…I laugh….I cry…but I am tired of hearing the word cancer and skin cancer and surgery.

My heart aches with the pain of this world and this life…

I know that heaven waits for me…I know that someday all tears will be wiped away and death will no longer win….but today….

I…..am….tired.

For now….I throw myself into reading….

And embroidery….