I Was Never Scared

Not sure how many of you have had to deal with parents with dementia. A happy day was when you are remembered. In December there was a beautiful day where Dad said my name and then when I asked him who I was he said my daughter! I then asked him who named me and he said he did! I cried! I can’t remember when he knew me and it was the best gift.

Walking him home has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Dementia is a nasty beast……it takes the ones you love and spins them with confusion but just enough sanity thet they know what they feel and think is wrong.

It’s like living in your dreams and never waking up. It’s almost impossible to know what’s real and what isn’t. Dad would have a dream about me and think I truly did these things he dreamed about and then wept with relief when he realized that they in fact did not occur.

Our family found him wandering the streets, going into peoples homes he thought were his…and falling as he would take walks alone even though we had asked him not to….

The last time I visited was the day before he turned 91…

He told me it would be soon….take care of Mom

Still, I thought I had more time…

That was the very last conversation I ever had with him….

The next time I was with him he was unconscious and I never got to talk to him again.

I will miss hearing the songs he would sing….I will miss seeing his excitement about donuts and lemon meringue pie.

I as with him Thursday and Saturday and Tuesday. Tuesday before I left I said to him….You are waiting until I leave aren’t you….and his eyebrows went up. I left at 6pm and at 11:38 pm he left this world and all the pain he has been in is gone…

When I was little….and Dad was there….I was never scared. As an adult….when Dad came and fixed it all…I was never scared….and now he is gone….and I am the one that now must keep everyone else from being scared….and I am not sure how to do it.

I miss him soo much.