Hi Momma

I’ve started a new tradition for myself on this road we call life. When I go to the nursing home to see my Mom I try to go in the morning. When I first walk in I say “Hi Momma.” I have never called her Momma except in my early childhood….but I know my time is short with my last parent on earth and I feel I must say it….even if it’s just for myself.

Today I helped her get dressed and at least no one had stolen her undergarments at night (this is a common theme she sings) she likes her new clothes with no buttons and great elastic…I must say that I’m becoming more fond of elastic myself these days.

My Ellie tried to paint with her today but instead Mom just wanted to watch Ellie. After Ellie had stayed and hugged her grandmother many times my Mom called me in a panic telling me that Ellie just left and never told her…. Which I knew was untrue.

She then called me and begged me to go get my Dad…she was desperate to see him….and this is when I want to scream to the heavens what I did to deserve not one but both parents suffering from this disease…

Everyone is talking about 4th of July celebrations but all I want is to read my books and do embroidery. I don’t need fireworks and crowds…I want to be alone. My heart and soul hurt…I am weary and I just have nothing left to give anymore.

Right now I just have enough love for those who have been my greatest supporters and I have no room for nonsense. I am just completely done.

Taking care of your elderly parents is so hard. You deal with horrible guilt….I feel like a game of dodgeball….everyday I try not to get out…

I am tired….but not the kind that you can get enough sleep from but the kind of tired that takes awhile to recover from. I have scars as many do…but lately the hits just don’t seem to be slowing down….

I remember when life was work and getting home and bathing my baby boy …making dinner and watching tv…all was well with the world to a certain level…and then….it wasn’t.

I remember always thinking what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. There is growing in this journey….I am almost up the mountain…I can almost see the top….I would hear terms like “refiners fire” …or even expressions like….”put your big girl panties on” but I would like to get off this ride is the mantra I’ve been saying….I no longer want to participate….0 Stars ….I do not recommend…..

Then I remember: