Namesake

I keep saying to myself that I’m gonna ask my Dad something….then I realize that’s not possible. The shock of that reality still scares me..still stops me in my tracks..as if I’m still processing the grief…trying to understand what is..it still hits me hard.

My Dad was the first one to love me…he was the first to hold my hand. The first to cry with me when I got stitches….the first one to ask my opinion on things.

My Dad loved my long blonde hair. During his last days on this earth he would look at a picture of me when I was little and not knowing it was me he would show it to me talking about how cute she was.

When I told him it was me he looked at me and then the picture trying to make the connection…then he just smiled at me…and that was enough for me.

When I am at the home visiting my Mother she says she sees my Dad sitting on the porch…. She says she misses him so much. Maybe the sightings help her cope. I believe sometimes we can smell those who have gone before us…we can hear their laughter in the wind….

My first husband who went before me plays a song on streaming that only comes on when I am alone or my son is with me by himself…no one else in the car but the two of us.

Today….a butterfly followed me into the garage and then kept flying around me almost attacking me until I started laughing…..a friend gave me a butterfly as an reminder of my Dad and now I love butterflies.

This weekend at the jewelry show Pepsi was everywhere….and they will always be a wink to my Dad.

Right now the world feels lonely…and a little scarier. When my world fell apart he always knew what to do. I never had to carry anything heavy…he always took care of everything. He taught me to be tough but he also taught me how a woman should be treated.

My Dad loved my children and cried when he first met each one…he would always say the famous line “he/or she, is a keeper.” He would always smile…new life and babies were always a soft spot for my Dad.

To my Dads last days he would see imaginary children. My daughter was cutting cake one day and Dad wanted to know why she didn’t cut all the little kids surrounding us a piece. My daughter responded with no hesitation that the kids had to go home right now…and then and only then…would he eat cake..::everyone had to have a piece…even if they were imaginary.

I miss him but I am so happy he is whole again….

I hope you all have a Dad that loved you like mine did.