I Miss Him

Maybe it is the time of year…the changing seasons…that make my heart just completely shattered.

Somedays the grief takes me over and I just hurt. The man that loved me the most on the planet is no longer on the same planet with me.

In my dreams I hear his voice…his laugh…and I hear him say my name. I long for hearing him laugh or exclaim joy as I brought him the simplest of gifts. He loved donuts and would get so excited when I brought him one.

I drove home last night and my chest tightened and I could barely breathe as I thought about how we are no longer on the same planet and that makes me overwhelmingly sad. The man who loved me and fought for me when my first husband would not…is now in heaven with him….and that seems so unfair. I’m sure he told him about Trey and how he graduated from college and how well he is doing. I am sure he told him that in spite of him…I did just fine…

I am sure he ran to his mother who he couldn’t remember…and hugged his Dad. I am sure he laughed when he saw his great grandchild and hugged her again.

I know he ran and played baseball…I am sure he drank RC Cola. I bet he played some golf and enjoyed riding his motorcycle. I am sure he was surrounded by all the dogs we had growing up. I am sure that heaven was far more than any of us can imagine.

Selfishly, I want him here….I just want to tell him all the things I didn’t get to tell him when he was on this earth because he didn’t understand. I need a redo….I need him to know that I miss him so much and I am so grateful he was my Dad….

Grief is hard….it comes in waves…large waves wash over me that cause me to catch my breath and try to get through it as best I can.

I feel that life was bearable in 2018….but ever since 2019….life has been just one more punch each year.

I am tired of cancer….and being poked and prodded…I am tired of being strong….I want my Dad….I want him how he used to be before dementia came…I want one more conversation, one more hug, one more visit with him….but those wants will never be fulfilled this side of heaven….and I will just have to wait for that glorious day!

Someday Jesus will be there to greet me….and behind Him will be my earthly Father and I will never have to say goodbye again!

Until that glorious day.