When the Wind Blows

I’m laying in bed on day three of sickness. We missed our trip to see our adult children and as I lay here with a fever listening to the wind blow….hoping power stays on and my igloo does not blow away and end up in my neighbors yard.

I feel my anxiety is sky high….once again….things beyond my control.

I remember when a storm would blow in Dad would call me telling me a storm was coming. He would say “batton down the hatches!” As a kid I never worried….he would stand on the porch or by the window and watch the storm blow in….he would worry, just as I am now.

I think that’s the hardest part of losing my Dad….no matter how old I got….call me when you get home. Even when dementia came and he would go to the driveway to wave at me….he still said it….

When he would find out we were sick (even as adults) he would call us to see what was wrong….

Now the wind blows and I have a fever…and I am thinking about him and missing him.

Thankful for my husband who has had to take care of both my daughter and myself, trying hard to not get sick again himself….this year has been brutal for all of us.

Then, just for fun….we need a new AC unit and furnace….because….adulting….

I wish I was better at storms and when the wind blows….I wish I could trust….I wish I could be like the guy sleeping on the plane so hard with horrible turbulents that he almost landed in the aisle….blissfully unconcerned…..while I sat there with hands that went numb because I forget to breathe….each…..and…..every…..time.

Who are you when the wind blows…..do you rest in the comfort that you will get through it like the guy sleeping on the plane….or are you like me?

There hasn’t been one thing I haven’t gone through that God didn’t hold my hand through the fire….I didn’t always want to take His hand….I very much wanted to run….

I wanted to say….let someone else have this trial….I am not smart enough….I am not brave enough….You have asked too much of me already….why do you ask more…..

Then He does the most beautiful things with all the pieces….the torn up bits….the igloo in the neighbors yard….the broken HVAC….the torn off roof….the cheating husband…the uncaring Pastor and the so called “Christ followers” the back biting friends…the jealous people who spread lies….and He fixes it…:and never in the way we ever imagined.

The heartbreak is real…the pain is deep….and somedays I feel I cannot breathe with the enormity of it all….

I have walked through enormous tragedies….i have seen the modern versions of the Red Sea being parted….and walking through….I have seen absolute miracles…..

Still….as I walk through new trials, more hurdles, anxiety still attacks me….and my prayers are always like….”You’ve got this right God?” Just checking!!!! And I am sure that He must become so frustrated with me….because how many times has He proved that He can and He will???

Once I prayed for a miracle and the answer He gave is not what I wanted….and I did not understand…I could not comprehend the why….snd somedays I still cannot. I also know that there are many things I do not know….and will never know this side of heaven.

As I lay here tonight….listening to the wind…..praying for the electricity to stay on….the trees to stay upright….the igloo to remain grounded…the fever to leave….graduation party and college to go well for my daughter….my dogs to be well at the places they are staying right now….my store….. ALL of the things.

My chest is tight….anxiety is here….time to pray and let go…..so much harder than you can even imagine.